A Very Difficult Week...

I find myself fighting to remain upbeat this week, but has been a battle that I am not sure I am winning. Perhaps it is because this week marks the sixth year since my amputation. Normally I do not dwell on being an amputee during the course of my day. The last few days I have found myself hating being an amputee.

Every morning this week as I rolled on my liner and stepped into my leg, I have heard myself muttering, "I hate this thing." I didn't realize I was saying it out loud until Robby pointed to my leg this morning and said, "Mama hate leg." That made me sad.

I typically don't spend a lot of time dwelling on the limitations of being an amputee. This week I haven't been able to escape these thoughts. I am tired of having to depend on an artificial device to walk. I am tired of insurance companies and their politics. I am tired of the cricket leg I have been living with since the surgery. I am tired of being vigilant about sores and scratches on my residual limb. I am tired of people staring. I am tired of being different. I guess I am just plain tired of being an amputee.

I never envisioned the vast changes that would occur in my daily routine to accommodate my amputation. From the bathroom rails that have been installed to the well thought-out placement of Robby's swing set, I find myself feeling resentful. I never wanted to be an amputee. I know nobody really does.

So many of the decisions in my life have been influenced by my being an amputee. I quickly look at the landscape before I walk in grass or on trails. I am constantly scanning the ground when I walk so that I don't trip. I diligently wipe my prosthetic foot before entering stores after a rain to prevent slipping and falling. This week, I am angry about these adaptations.

I know that I need to allow myself these feelings, however unpleasant they may be. I keep reminding myself that it is normal to have the "amputation blues" close to the anniversary date. My close friends and family know that this is a difficult week and have shown increased patience and understanding. Their support is paramount.

Every person gets into a funk occassionally, and I am no exception. I think it is important to aknowledge the blues and then to move forward. I may hate putting on my leg this week, but I am still putting it on and walking through the day. Next week I know that these feelings will subside. But this is a difficult week.