Getting Ready

In many ways this weekend feels like the calm before an approaching storm. Next week will be both busy and hectic because I'll be packing and heading to Tucson. I am excited to attend and work at the national amputee conference, but preparing to travel is always an exercise in frustration. I am amazed at the amount of preparation required for me to leave the house for just a few days! 

This is Scott's first time alone with both Robby and Timmy for an extended period of time. (Usually when I have traveled it has been during the school year and my Mom takes Hamlet.) I know that Scott is especially nervous about trying to balance everything on his own. I assume that I am going to spend the weekend cooking meals and setting him up for success as much as possible.   

I remember how much Scott and Robby cherished their trip to Tucson a few years ago. If it had been feasible, I would have loved to have them embark on another father/ son southwest adventure. Being back at their special hotel without them is going to be bittersweet. 

Even though I am going to miss my family, I'm looking forward to being reunited with my amputee friends. Conference is one of the rare occasions where I am not unique or an oddity. Instead, I am merely just another amputee in a sea of others. It is empowering to feel "normal," even if it is only for a few days.  

Laid Back

As anticipated, yesterday was an extremely laid back holiday. We had toyed with the idea of going to the pool for a few hours in the afternoon, but Scott and Timmy ended up taking long naps. It has been a long time since Timmy has taken a nap, so I took the opportunity to get some work done.  It was strange having the house so quiet in the middle of the afternoon, but I was grateful for the ability to concentrate without interruption.  

Robby, my little entrepreneur, decided to take advantage of the holiday traffic through our neighborhood by setting up a lemonade and cookie stand at the entrance to our development. He and his friend Rowan worked their business throughout the afternoon and each pocketed a nice little profit for their efforts. Spurred by their success, the pair are already planning other money making adventures for the summer and fall traffic.  

Having a holiday in the middle of a work week feels anti-climactic and odd. Maybe it is because we didn't do anything celebratory, but it was hard to distinguish that yesterday was anything special. With the exception of the constant bangs and flashes of fireworks through the sky all night, I might have forgotten it was the Fourth of July.

Happy Fourth of July

Happy Fourth of July!

With no real plans, this year we are having a laid back holiday. We will probably go to the pool for a few hours and throw some burgers on the grill for dinner. I'm sure that Robby and his friends will ride through the neighborhood this evening in search of neighbors blowing up fireworks. Other than that, we aren't doing a whole lot.  To be honest, not doing anything feels perfect right now!

Yesterday ended up being more emotional than I anticipated. I was fine until Scott surprised me by taking me to one of my favorite restaurants for dinner. It was also my Dad's favorite restaurant, and we have never been there without him.  Walking into the restaurant, filled with so many memories of my Dad, brought a wave of grief I wasn't anticipating.  

I was okay through dinner, but I broke down after I tucked Timmy into bed. I guess every once in awhile I still need a good cry.  I'm pretty sure I was crying more over my Dad than my leg, but by the time I went to bed my emotions were all jumbled. I was a mess! 

Needless to say, I'm glad that my Ampuversary is over.

Happy Ampuversary

The Fourth of July might be tomorrow, but today I'm celebrating my personal Independence Day. Fifteen years ago this morning I embarked on a journey that changed my life. In many ways it feels like a different lifetime, yet at the same time I remember the emotions as if it were yesterday.

I think about that day fifteen years ago and the fear, grief and confusion that I felt on that morning envelopes me. I feel sad, but probably not for the reasons that people expect. I no longer spend my Ampuversary mourning the loss of my limb. 

Instead of mourning, this morning I feel sad as I reflect upon the memories. I was so scared that morning fifteen years ago. Feeling lost, all I could do was to remind myself to keep breathing. I couldn't speak without crying, yet I knew in my heart that I needed to sacrifice my broken limb for a chance at a better life. I wish that I hadn't been as petrified, but I don't think I could have done anything to prevent my primal emotional response. 

It feels surreal that fifteen years have passed since that petrifying morning. I wish I could go back in time to reassure myself that I was going to be okay. (Of course, I probably wouldn't have believed myself!) 

So much has changed in the fifteen years since becoming an amputee. I hoped for a better life, yet reality has exceeded any hopes and wishes made so many years ago. I have a fantastic life.

Being an amputee is only one adjective that is used to define who I am. I have two wonderful kids who call my Momom. I never would have been able to be the mother they deserve when I was struggling to salvage my foot. I have a new career, and I am involved in an amazing community of peers. I am extremely blessed, and that is what I am choosing to celebrate today.  Happy Ampuversary to me!

Settling into Summer

It certainly took awhile, but it feels like summer has finally arrived. The temperatures have been hot and the sun has been shining bright, allowing us to escape to the pool each afternoon. Both boys are little water bugs and could stay splishing and splashing all day. I love our lazy summer afternoons!

Ten years ago, the idea of going to the pool would leave me angst ridden. As I'm growing older I'm adopting more of an "I don't give a damn" attitude. Several years ago it occurred to me that not one person is judging my jiggly bum and dimpled thighs when I walk by. In fact, not only are they not judging my flaws, I venture to say that they don't even notice. When I walk around the pool deck, eyes never seem to move beyond my prosthesis. I could walk around completely naked and I don't think anybody would notice.

I've decided to embrace the distraction instead of being frustrated by it. Because nobody is looking beyond my leg, I feel comfortable being myself without feeling insecure about my shape. I'm now able to play with the kids and have a great time without the constant worry that used to plague my swimsuit reveal. Talk about feeling empowered! I suppose this is an unlikely benefit of being an amputee woman.

This morning I was up early, knocking out some work before the sun comes up. The forecast is predicting more hot temperatures, so I'll be heading to the pool for a few hours this afternoon. I could get used to this summertime routine!