Weekend

This is the final Friday before Robby returns to his enrichment classes and, while I am enjoying not spending my day in the car, I know he is counting down until his courses resume. He can't wait to return, to see his friends and to continue to plot world domination in his 3d history games. (I still don't understand the games, but I have accepted that he does and that he thoroughly enjoys every moment.)

Today's rain is going to be annoying enough to keep Friend and I inside for most of the morning and early afternoon. He is not a foul weather pup and is going to need to be forced to step his little paws onto the wet pavement. Looking on the bright side, I'll have an excuse for being a little more sedentary today. Friend has been ringing his little dog bell to go outside on an obnoxiously frequent basis. I've logged an average 14k steps each day this week because of my little Friend. 

This weekend Robby has a band performance, so Saturday will be spent cheering him on as he takes the stage. Timmy has new light-up skates and he has been begging to go back to the rink. After dedicating Saturday to Robby's activity, I have no doubt mom guilt will compel me to pack up the skates on Sunday.

Insecure

 Yesterday I attended a mandatory group parent meeting at Timmy's school. I dread these meetings because I am not great at socializing and schmoozing. I always feel awkward and insecure as soon as I walk into a large group of new people. I try to feign confidence hoping that it is believed, but I am not sure I am successful. Knowing that I am mingling with the parents of Timmy's classmates only increases my anxiety. I don't want to end up embarrassing him!

Pulling our 300,000 mile worn work-horse of a Highlander into a parking lot filled with Teslas, Mercedes and Cadillac Minivans, it is diffficult to mask the different priorities of our lifestyles. Despite my best efforts, I am never as stylish or put together as the other mothers. My "good" sweater pales in comparison to their stylized looks. I really don't want to care, but I do.

At my core, I wish that I didn't care about the impression that I am making. I wish that I had the natural tenacity to walk into new situations like a boss. Instead, I often find myself slinking into the back of the room, hoping to be noticed but not really seen. The level of inadequacy I feel during these parent meetings astounds me.

Almost-Adult

My flashbacks have stopped and everybody has acclimated from vacation mode to the workday schedule. Life is returning to normal and, after a rather tumultuous and exhausting week, I'm delighted. Christmas vacation was extraordinarily long this year, causing everybody to teeter into their summertime schedule. The sleep battles last week were epic, leaving everybody battle weary and frazzled.

While the boys are busy with school I'm trudging through a massive project. Sometimes Robby meanders out of his room for a snack and we talk about the work that I'm doing. It is nice having an almost-adult to speak with during the day (when Scott is at work.) Sometimes I look at him and I'm astounded that he is nearly an adult. Wasn't he just starting kindergarten?

While I struggle to grasp Robby's maturity, I am amazed by Timmy's emerging interests. He has tapped into a new passion for art. Over the past few months, his bedroom has been transformed into an art studio/gallery. From copying the great masterpieces to his own compositions, he happily spends hours working at his art desk while singing Never Going to Give You Up by Rick Astley. (The scene is adorable!)

Nightmare Flashbacks

I spent much of the weekend feeling icky. I wasn't sick, but I certainly wasn't feeling well. Lacking the motivation to do much, I spent a lot of time meandering through chores and resting on the couch. Medication, sleep and hydration worked their magic and I'm feeling 80% better this morning. Fingers crossed that I am the only infected individual in the house. 

Last week was rough on numerous levels and I'm optimistic that this week will be better. I've had flashback nightmares since the cardiac arrest incident during the Monday Night Football game. The constant news coverage, detailing the heart issues and the CPR response, all brought me back to 30 years ago to my personal CPR trauma. 

It has taken me a long time to feel comfortable referring to the incident as traumatizing. I have struggled with feeling guilty about the flashbacks for two decades out of embarrassment and shame. When I was 19 years old I worked as a nanny during the summer break from college. Early in the season a neighborhood child suffered a cardiac arrest. I performed CPR on her until medical personnel arrived but, unfortunately, she did not survive. It was singularly the worst moment of my life, and it left me fundamentally changed.

The constant news coverage about Damar has triggered memories that I have buried and tried to hide. Last week I was plagued with nightmares and flashbacks at the most unassuming times. I'm so glad that he survived and is on the road to recovery. Hopefully soon the news coverage will die down and I can work towards rehiding those horrific memories.