I can say with certainty that last night was the most painful of my life. The unrelenting throbbing, burning and cramping rendered me utterly helpless. At one point, during a particularly bad cramp which radiated from my stump to my hip, I ended up involuntarily screaming. Shortly after that I fainted.
I was surprised that this surgery has brought more pain than the amputation. Then I remembered that the surgeon removed one and a half inches of bone from the tip of my limb. Essentially, I underwent a re-amputation of my leg. Only this time I was not afforded the relief of hospital administered pain killers.
Right now I am miserable. I would probably break down crying if my leg pain would ease so that I can move. I have never experienced anything like this, and I hope I don't have to again.
About Me
- Peggy
- I am a below knee amputee. More importantly, I am also Mommy to two boys, a very active 10 year old (Robby) and an mischievous toddler (Timmy). I have learned that being a parent with a disability can create some unusual and sometimes humorous situations. This blogger is available for hire! Let's talk and learn how a blog can expand your business.
Friday, June 13, 2014
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Surgery Day
Today is the day I have been dreading for three years, ever since the surgeon first recommended a major revision surgery on my limb. I have managed to delay and postpone the inevitable, but the pain has simply become too much to bear. Motivated to be able to care for Timmy and Robby, I have decided to proceed with the surgery.
I am dreading the nightmarish pain that I will endure later today and tonight. I know that it will wane and that I will be more comfortable in the long run, but in the short term things are going to be rough. I am going to try to go into survival mode, just trying to get through the hours until the pain begins to dissipate.
My Mom is here to help take care of Timmy (Robby is fairly self-supporting) which is a huge relief. I know that I will still fuss and worry, but having her take the lead during the next few days will be a godsend. I know that he is in good hands!
I hate surgery, and I resent the fact that I have to undergo yet another procedure. In a few hours I can start to concentrate on healing and recovery. Hopefully neither will take as long as I fear.
I am dreading the nightmarish pain that I will endure later today and tonight. I know that it will wane and that I will be more comfortable in the long run, but in the short term things are going to be rough. I am going to try to go into survival mode, just trying to get through the hours until the pain begins to dissipate.
My Mom is here to help take care of Timmy (Robby is fairly self-supporting) which is a huge relief. I know that I will still fuss and worry, but having her take the lead during the next few days will be a godsend. I know that he is in good hands!
I hate surgery, and I resent the fact that I have to undergo yet another procedure. In a few hours I can start to concentrate on healing and recovery. Hopefully neither will take as long as I fear.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Getting Prepared
This past weekend was spent getting ready for my impending leg revision.
While I am still frustrated that I will be without my leg for the
majority of the summer, I know that this surgery is both necessary and
long overdue. Instead of moping, which in all honesty was my initial
inclination, I decided to be proactive and prepare. I am hoping to
minimize my aggravation during the recovery process.
Although
I love our house (with the exception of the black widow spiders, snakes
in the attic and leaky roof), it is not handicapped accessible. Between
the steep steps, narrow doorways and uneven parquet floor panels,
getting around is going to be difficult. Preparing for life with my knee
scooter for the next few weeks, I worked all day Saturday trying to
create clear pathways between the rooms. It wasn't particularly fun, but
it was absolutely necessary.
Timmy is a small baby,
but his equipment is disproportionately large. His swing cradle (which
he sleeps in because it is a better fit at the moment), bouncy chairs,
and changing table are all cluttering up the living room. Because the
room is the center of our home, it makes sense to keep the equipment in
place. I know that Martha Stewart would certainly never offer her
aesthetic seal of approval, but I doubt she would appreciate the ten
pound bag of tater tots that are monopolizing my freezer either. I tend
to opt for function over form especially when mobility is a concern. I
wasn't able to remove the baby clutter, but I did manage to create a
clear pathway through the room.
I'm not looking
forward to surgery tomorrow, and I am absolutely dreading the recovery.
However, I have found some solace knowing that I am prepared for my
non-ambulatory life. I keep reminding myself that this is just a
temporary setback, and that I can soon return to my cluttered life.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Crying
Yesterday
was not my best showing in the mom department. Both boys were extremely
needy, and by the end of the day I felt as if I had no more to give.
They both exhausted my already limited reserves, and it took all my
internal strength not to barricade myself in the treehouse with a box of Ho Ho's!
I
don't know what was wrong with Timmy, but he was inconsolable all day.
He spent the majority of the day fussing and screaming. I desperately
tried to calm him down only to be reminded that my mothering abilities
were wholly inadequate. I am amazed that a little baby could go so long
without sleeping. A few times I thought I had lulled Timmy to sleep only
to fall for his "I'm not really asleep and when you put me down I'm
going to scream" ploy. Apparently I'm a slow learner, because I fell for
his little trick more times than I can count!
The
only moments Timmy was calm and comfortable were when I was walking with
him. According to my Fitbit, I logged over 13,000 steps trying to
soothe my little cranky cherub. Perhaps it was the fatigue meshing with
my limb pain, but I began to wonder if my sweet little baby has a
sadistic streak. Demanding that I walk constantly felt like cruel and
unusual punishment.
Fueled by the distress of his
baby brother, Robby took the opportunity to become a never ending pit of
need. I love my little Koopa. I really do. However, yesterday he pushed
me to my limits. He picked a heck of a time to reintroduce Robby
Rotten!
The highlight of my day was overhearing a
phone conversation between Robby and my Mom. After a particularly long
screaming fit in which Timmy was red faced and sounded like an wild
chimpanzee, Robby picked up the phone and called his Nana. I overheard
him ask why his baby brother hated his Mom, and then he proceeded to
tell her in great detail about Timmy being difficult. I would like to
believe that he was venting, but I am more inclined to think that he was
trying to get his little brother into trouble.
My
prosthetist called yesterday and between Timmy wailing and Robby
interrupting our conversation was cut short. Being a parent himself he
was able to laugh off the situation, and offered a sarcastic beacon of
hope. "Just think, in a few days you'll be in the hospital. It sucks,
but you will be able to sleep for several hours without being
disturbed." Unfortunately, he is correct. I am dreading
the surgery, but the prospect of nobody wanting or needing anything from me
for an afternoon is semi-appealing!
Monday, June 09, 2014
Releasing Guilt
I spent yesterday toiling around the house trying to keep busy. I felt
an ominous sense of stress all day, as if I were forgetting something
important. I chalked the emotions up to nerves about the impending
surgery and tried to keep my mind occupied. It wasn't until I was
holding Timmy in the late afternoon that the memories came flooding back
to me.
Twenty-one years ago yesterday I was on my
college break, working as a nanny when I was changed forever. A
neighborhood child, a 3 year old little girl who had chubby cheeks and a
devilish grin, was playing with my little charges in the pool. Her Mom
was chatting with me poolside when we noticed something awry. The child
had laid down on the side of the pool and wasn't moving. Although I
didn't know it at the time, she had a congenital heart defect and had
already undergone two cardiac surgeries.
I'll spare
the details and just state that the mom was of no help during the
crisis. I tried to block out her screams and called 911 before starting
CPR. In the midst of my breaths into her cold little mouth I remember
yelling at the other children I was watching to leave the room. In the
middle of all of the chaos, and over the frantic screams of the mom, I
didn't want them to witness their little friend dying. I can still feel
the flickering of her little pulse on my fingertips when I handed over
care to the paramedics.
Later that evening I received
the news that she didn't make it. In an afternoon my entire world had
been turned upside down. It was the first time I felt a devastating.
earth shattering grief. It was on this date that I learned sometimes
life isn't fair, and that bad things happen to good people. I was
changed forever.
Unlike other years, yesterday I did
not second guess my every move on that horrific afternoon. Looking into
little Timmy's eyes as I began to relive the memories, I felt a sense of
peace wafting over me. I finally accepted that her death wasn't my
fault.
I was able to look at that afternoon with an
objectivity which has been eluding me. Instead of feeling guilty and
ashamed about her death, I felt a sense of pride over the composure I
was able to muster during the crisis. Where the other adults were frozen
with fear and worry, I was able to act. I was 19 years old and
terrified, but I performed CPR correctly and managed to spare the other
children the haunting images of their friend lying on their kitchen
table.
Time and maturity are a marvelous and powerful
combination. I will always mourn her death, but I will no longer blame
myself. Releasing the guilt and shame I have been feeling for 21 years
is liberating. I've always known that I did everything right, and that
she didn't die because of me. Yesterday was the first time I actually
believed it.
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