Television Images

 The decision to stop watching the news was made for me by Timmy.  Last night the news was on and I had to leave the room to help Scott with something.  I didn't have a second thought about walking away from the television and I was gone for about five minutes. I would have been gone for longer but I heard Timmy screaming and I went running to me.

I found him on the couch, staring at the television with horror. I quickly shooed him out of the room, hugged him and tried to get him to tell me what he saw. When it became clear that he wasn't going to be able to completely describe the scene I left him with Robby (Scott is sick) and returned to rewind and watch the segment myself.  

I cannot blame him for screaming! I had no idea that the images that were shown would become increasingly graphic as the night went on. I will spare the graphic details, but I know that Timmy will never forget seeing that murdered little baby.  

My heart broke for him because I know how difficult it will be to process that image. When I was his age I saw a suicide live on television. I was home for a snow day and the government official called a press conference in the middle of the afternoon. I was watching The Price is Right when the show was interrupted for a news conference. About 30 seconds into the conference the man pulled out a gun, put it in his mouth and pulled the trigger. I can still see the reel in my mind.

I know that Timmy will never forget that little baby. He was nearly inconsolable and terribly confused by the war. I am not going to risk him seeing those images going forward, so from now on I'll have to get my news when he is asleep or out of the house.  

Israel

 Yesterday I was paralyzed by the horrific reports emerging from Israel. I knew it would be better for my mental health to turn off the television and to focus on something happier, but doing so felt incredibly disrespectful. I realize it makes absolutely no sense and I am done trying to analyze it. I know from experience that I will stay stuck until I figure out something actionable. When I can focus my devastation towards functional outrage I will be able to disengage from the constant stream of horrible news. 

I have been functioning under a veil of outrage and grief. I am quick to tear and, despite my best efforts, I find myself back in front of the television. I just cannot imagine the terror that is being felt.

The problem is that there is nothing that I can do to help. Like so many others around the world, I feel utterly helpless. I want to reach through the television screen and rescue those little children and mothers, to dry the tears that are falling and to help bandage wounds. Lacking those opportunities, I have made donations to the Red Cross and UN, and I am hugging my kids tighter.

Happy Walks

After the Milky Way Meltdown and the ensuing drama our family is slowly starting to return to normal.  The past few weeks have been littered with schedule changes and random vacation days. This week our schedule is 'normal' which should allow all of us a little breathing room. Too much change inevitably leads to chaos.

The temperatures are cooling which seem to call to Friend throughout the day. He loves chasing the leaves as they flutter along the breeze. I'm still struggling with socket fit but thankfully my limb sores have completely healed. It takes me awhile each morning to perfect the padding for the day but once I do I am (mostly) comfortable.

Being able to resume my longer walks with Friend is something that we are both thoroughly enjoying. Being outside and moving is good for not only my physical health but also for my soul. I am a better mom when I am relaxed and happy, so as far as I'm concerned everybody benefits by my mini-escapes.

Today is a rare day when I don't have to drive anywhere. Nobody has any activities and I don't have any appointments, so I'll be able to stay in my jammy bottoms and comfortable all day. After all, working from home has some benefits!

The Great Milky Way Meltdown

 This weekend was supposed to be Timmy's wish come true. He has been pining to see the Milky Way for several years. On Friday and Saturday the astronomers predicted a celestial show sure to awe. With the Milky Way, Venus, Mars and Saturn all visible and because a meteor shower was also occurring simultaneously, I knew it was the perfect activity for my little stargazer. I secured admission to a stargazing party led by astronomers and former astronauts and I was confident in the knowledge that this was going to be an amazing night. 

The star even has been on our calendar for several months with Timmy counting down daily in anticipation. He was upset on Friday when we woke to rain but was quickly reassured that the event could still proceed on Saturday. We woke up Saturday to beautiful clear skies and I knew it was going to go as planned.

Saturday afternoon we piled into the car and headed into the mountains. After stopping by 7-11 for treats, we settled in for the gorgeous drive along Skyline Drive. The leaves are starting to change and the contrasting colors were breathtaking. By the time we rolled into the parking lot in front of the designated field, dusk was just beginning to settle.

Unfortunately, the only clouds we saw all day were also floating across the horizon. An imposing black cloud settled directly over our field, blocking the view completely. We had gone from visibility to 120 miles to not being able to see the moon above our heads within minutes. 

Devastated does not even come close to expressing the emotions that Timmy felt when we were driving away from the field under the dark clouds. I felt horrible but there was literally nothing I could do to better the situation. If I could have moved the clouds myself I would have without hesitation. \

A weekend that was supposed to overflow with memories and dreams come true was replaced by days of crying and disappointment. At this point, I wish I had not even tried because the disappointment just isn't worth it. I'm sharing two photos from when the trip was exciting and pleasant- hoping that these are the memories that will remain.