The 'K' Word

Yesterday I spent the entire day cleaning and organizing. I went through all of Robby's toys, sorting out the ones that he has outgrown and making access to his favorites easier. After six hours, my house was organized and clean. I also ended up with three large boxes full of baby and toddler toys to sell on Craigslist.

Sitting down and needing a break, I called my Mom to say hi. I'm sure she didn't realize that I was staring at the boxes full of treasured toys that have been outgrown by my little boy when I called. If she had known that I was feeling sad about Robby growing up I'm sure that she wouldn't have broached the topic. She didn't know-- which is why she brought up "the k word."

It is common knowledge with many of my friends and family that I cannot talk about kindergarten without breaking into tears. My neighbors inquire about Robby going to school and I simply melt into a puddle. Tears form in my eyes and I can't speak because of the lump in my throat. I broke down in my prosthetist's office earlier this week when he inquired about Robby going to school. I am not dealing with this gracefully!

I look at the calendar and feel pangs of grief with each passing day. Some nights I feel like crying because every day that ends is simply another day closer to the beginning of September. (Of course, some nights I'm so exhausted from dealing with Robby Rotten that school doesn't seem like such a bad idea!)

I know it sounds foolish; I realize that I should want him to grow up and go to school. I may be selfish, but I don't want him to go. I like having him home.

Just thinking about his going to school, sitting at his little desk and eating lunch with somebody other than me and I find myself fighting back tears. He can't be ready for school yet. It feels like I just brought him home from the hospital! Yet, I have boxes full of outgrown toys and a calendar moving quickly towards "the k word."

Part of me just wants to take Robby and run away. I want to hide somewhere where he will always be little and nobody will tell me that I have to let him go. Somehow, I don't think avoidance will work.

My Mom brought up "the k word" and I had a difficult time answering her questions. Scott and I have already decided that, although full day kindergarten is offered, we want Robby to go for half days. We worry that the transition from being home all day to going to school full time will be too difficult--for all of us. I've received a lot of criticism from friends and family for this decision, but going half day just feels right.

I have been careful to shield Robby from my emotions and he is excited about going to school next year. I have a few more months to wrap my head (and heart) around the concept. Even though he will only be going for half days, I know that he will adapt and that our relationship will change once he starts going to school. Well, tears are now streaming down my cheeks, so I will stop writing about "the k word." Have I mentioned that I hate change?