My body has developed a horrible pattern of internalizing stress. For the past week, I have been clenching my teeth so strongly that it is both painful and difficult for me to move my jaw in the morning. In addition to my jaw, I have apparently been tensing my biceps during my sleep, leaving me with sore arms the next day. For good measure, my lower back has decided to join the party by developing a pinched nerve, rendering it painful for me to sit, move, and walk. It is safe to say that stress is making me fall apart!
This is a week wrought with anxiety. On Wednesday I have a court hearing where I must lobby (again) for prosthetic supplies and adequate limb care. Because my attorney has been unresponsive, I don't feel prepared for this hearing. I detest not being adequately prepared!
My only communication with my "advocate" was sent by form letter, announcing the hearing and reminding me that the preceding was "formal and that I should dress appropriately." I wanted to call his office and ask if my wedding dress was formal enough, but I decided that he probably wouldn't bother to listen to the message, so the joke would be lost. He has been markedly vague about the purpose of the hearing and why it is being held. I have been left guessing about what might transpire and my imagination has been conjuring some nightmare scenarios!
As if my fretting about the hearing hasn't caused enough worry, I have been stressing about my driving to the hearing. It is scheduled for 9:30 AM on the other side of the DC beltway. I am typically a comfortable driver, but I hate driving on the beltway at rush hour.
Wednesday morning I am going to have to wrangle with other rush hour commuters who are far more familiar and comfortable with the congested roads. I feel silly admitting that the prospect of my driving in rush hour DC traffic has been causing me to lose sleep. In the wee hours of the morning, I find myself worrying about getting lost or being in an accident, forcing the hearing to be cancelled and further delaying my treatment.
I am angry with my attorney for deliberately leaving me out of the loop on my own case despite my pleas for communication and information. Right now I don't have time for anger, but I know that I will deal with the situation after Wednesday. In the meantime, I am just going to try to gather my thoughts and jot down some ideas for tomorrow's hearing. Hopefully, my fears about the commute are unfounded and everything goes smoothly.
So much will be decided by the events of Wednesday. This is going to be an important milestone in my life, and I want to make sure that I represent myself competently and accurately. I really don't want my voice to quake when I speak! I'll be happy when Wednesday will be over because, either way, I'll be able to plan for the next few months. I'm also hoping that my stress will decrease and I'll be able to walk, move my jaw and use my arms again!