Negative Thoughts...

For four months I have been dedicated to getting healthier and stronger. Although the scale has been rather stagnant lately, I've dropped another size in both pants and shirts.  Despite not seeing a large fluctuation in my weight, I can't deny that I am getting smaller and stronger.

With limb pain and with obligations coming from both family and work, I've managed to carve out time in my schedule for the gym. Creating time to sweat has been a priority this summer even though it means I have to get up and start working on reports at 5 AM. Despite ample opportunities and excuses to quit, I haven't stopped.

Being a Mom, it is difficult for me to prioritize myself. I'm so used to doing things for everybody else that I feel guilty doing something for me. I should be proud of myself!

Instead of feeling pride when I'm at the gym, I realized that I do nothing but beat myself up. My internal dialog is toxic as messages of failure and inadequacy flood my thoughts. It's amazing I go to the gym at all with how much hate I spew towards myself when working-out!

While powering through a sweaty difficult work-out, instead of feeling proud of my accomplishment and patting myself on the back, my thoughts surge with destructive thoughts. "You're so weak. You're fat. You're ugly. You're a failure." These negative mantras repeat on a loop almost from the time I enter the gym until I leave to go home.

I'm not sure why that during the only time I dedicate to myself, I flood myself with such negative energy. Instead of thinking motivational thoughts, I lash myself with self-deprecating thoughts. It is particularly strange because I don't feel badly about myself. I'm proud of what I've accomplished so far and, although I'd like to be thinner, I know that this is a journey and that if I stick with it, I'll achieve great goals.

Recognizing the problem is the first step towards resolution. Now that I realize how toxic my thoughts are while working out, I'm going to make a conscious decision to change the way I think. Every time a negative thought flits into my mind I'm going to stop the work out and give myself a compliment. I'm hoping that, by being aware of my thoughts, I can change the way I think!