Happier

 The temperatures are rising and there is no doubt that Spring has sprung. I am loving spending the hours outside with my students, exploring neighborhoods and the school campus. After being indoors throughout the winter, it is nice to be working outside again. The minutes pass so much quicker in the fresh air and sunshine!

As the temperatures are rising, I find myself struggling with my wardrobe. I will not wear shorts to work, but I need to find lighter weight pants or capris. The heavy denim pants that I have been wearing are becoming very hot throughout the day. It is a strange situation because I don't know if I just should stay on trend and keep with longer pants that are lighter in weight, or do I just go with capris and let it known that I'm an amputee.

At this point, only a few select individuals know that I am living with prosthesis. It is kind of fun to be walking with a 'secret,' but perhaps it is time to just reveal and be comfortable. I was initially concerned about being able to make my own impression. The school year is almost done, so I believe that goal has been achieved. Before the end of the month, I will host my own personal celebration of limb loss awareness month by revealing my prosthesis at work. It should be fun! 

In the meantime, we are settling into the end of the school year with our eyes on summer. Robby has two more weeks of classes before finals. The rest of us have work until the end of May and Timmy continues for another week or two beyond that. Before I know it, we will all be home and waking up late on lazy summer mornings! It has been another year of adjustments and I cannot wait to just totally unwind.

 

Better Day

 I'm not going to lie, yesterday was rough. Hopefully today will be better.

Although it was a difficult day, it was an absolutely beautiful evening. Timmy, recognizing that I was upset, took it upon himself to prep the firepit. After it was lit he invited me to come outside to enjoy it because "even the worst days end better when you have a firepit."

He wasn't wrong. There was something soothing about just sitting next to the firepit and letting my mind unwind. I realized that I have been taking unprofessional exchanges personally. In reality, these interactions are simply a reflection of a different professional code of conduct which is probably regionally based.  The rules are supposed to be the same yet I often feel as if I am trying to learn an entirely different game. 

As this contract winds down with the school year I am starting to open myself up to new adventures. I am not sure what I am going to do next school year. The prospect of starting over feels overwhelming but I am reassured by the knowledge that I have already done it several times. 

Here's hoping that today is a better day. Wish me luck as I struggle to keep my face calm and my voice quiet. 

Rough start

 I was told to be clear and concise.

Is "bite me" clear enough?  It's been a rough start to the week.... 

I'm back

 My apologies for not posting last week. Because we were on Spring Break, I wanted to disconnect and just enjoy the time with the family so I opted to avoid the computer. I realize, in retrospect, that I should have posted my intentions. If you are still with me, I thank you!

My week off-line was just what my mind and heart needed to recenter and get ready for the weeks ahead. I spent the beginning of my week off by hanging out with Scott and Timmy (when he wasn't in school).  On Wednesday I headed up to visit my Mom and to accompany her to a doctor's appointment. While I was in PA my very dearest friend made to trip to hang out with me at my Mom's. It was so wonderful to have some friend time! I have missed those types of connections, especially since moving to WV.

Friday afternoon I packed up and headed back home for the remainder of our break. I spent the weekend deep cleaning the house. It hasn't looked this clean since we moved in, but I'm not overly optimistic that it will remain this way. I'm going to try to enjoy it while I can.

Today is back to work for everybody.  It is going to be hot. Wish me luck!

Easter

 Our Easter was uneventful but enjoyable. On Saturday night our yard was 'egged' as part of a local fundraiser.  Timmy (with an obedient Robby in tow) spent an hour running around the yard with flashlights, trying to locate each egg before the rain rolled into the area. Although the egg hunt was supposed to occur during daylight, the nighttime search was perfect fun. I loved hearing Timmy squeal with egg greedy delight with each plastic discovery.

The majority of Sunday was spent in the kitchen, working on a dinner that highlighted a favorite side from each family member. It took me 4.5 hours and three loads of dishes to prepare a meal that took about 20 minutes to consume. After dinner I packed up all the leftovers for Robby and we returned him to his dorm to finish out the school year.

This week I'm off, which brings me so much relief and happiness. My goodness I need a break! I'm looking forward to days of quiet time where I have few to no demands placed upon me.  Hopefully my dreams manifest into reality, because I suspect I'll be working around the house and finishing every project that has been put off. 

Holiday

 Two more days until Spring Break!  My goodness, I'm fairly certain that I am more excited than my students. At this point, the prospect of a solid week without obligations or expectations feels like a luxury vacation. Of course, I'm sure I will fill the time with household tasks and finishing projects that have been waiting, but for the next few days I will continue to dream of relaxation.

While our break is next week, Timmy is enjoying his holiday this week. Yesterday I surprised him by taking him to Red Robin for a late lunch. My goodness that kid loves his cheeseburgers! I feel quasi-guilty about him being home alone all day without the stimulation of his schoolwork, but he has been happy as can be by himself. He has thoroughly enjoyed riding his bike, watching television and eating snacks without supervision, and has been living his best life.  

With today being April 2, I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge that April is Limb Loss/ Limb Difference Awareness Month. This year the efforts to highlight the issues faced by amputees feels insignificant. Progress is slow and sometimes battles stall. I definitely feel like the limb loss community is floating adrift without a clear direction. In the current political climate, it is difficult to make headway towards true progress.

Although Spring Break is on the horizon, I still have a few days of work left. The next two days will be busy and chaotic, especially because of the added energy of the approaching holiday.  Hopefully I will have the energy to keep up with these kiddos!  

 

 

 

Happy Mask

 I feel like I am teetering on the edge of a frustration meltdown. My emotions have been held so tightly for so long that, instead of healing, I have become a tinderbox ready to blow. Something has got to give, because I don't want to continue living life on the emotional edge. It isn't fun for anybody.

I'm beyond frustrated with my prosthesis. Last night I had to dismantle it (again) to create some makeshift buffers to stop the squeaking. Each time I have to take it apart I feel twangs of emotions that leave me feeling uncomfortable. I am angry that I am in a situation where I am dependent upon the device that isn't functioning properly. I recognize that I could start the process for a new leg, but I also don't have access to endless leave time to accommodate the fittings and appointments. From a practical standpoint, I need to hold steady until summer break. It stinks!

Although it isn't his fault, I find myself increasingly frustrated with the new cardiac lifestyle. There are so many variables to manage, and Scott seems to slip between which he feels is most important. I never really know if he is overly concerned with sodium, fiber or saturated fat. I know that this is new to him and that he is struggling to acclimate, but the changes in dietary focus are leaving me with whiplash. 

I also realized that I'm angry that we are a cardiac family. I know that this isn't anybody's fault and I certainly do not blame Scott for having a heart attack. I am just angry that our family now has to manage these risk factors and medical reality. I want our old carefree lives back, but I know that that life stage is over.  

Today I just want to scream and hide. Fortunately I have to work and my students deserve my best, so I'll have another great excuse to put on a happy mask. Right now, life feels very hard.