Beginning of the End

 Yesterday Timmy returned to school for the first time since Spring Break. He was delighted to see his friends again which I take as a good sign that I have made the correct school decisions for him. With him occupied in class I feel like I can tiptoe back into my life. The past few weeks have been difficult and chaotic. Returning to 'normal' feels like a vacation.

Of course, there is nothing normal about the weeks to come. Birthdays, a trip to New Orleans, a graduation and a retirement are all on the horizon in the next six weeks. What an exciting time in our family! I suspect that I'm going to need to double down on my coffee intake in order to keep up with the excitement in our house.

Robby's graduation announcements arrived yesterday, heralding the beginning of the end of his high school career. Time has moved so quickly that the memories are making my heart hurt. I also realize that I am not in an emotional place where reflecting is beneficial. Right now, it is best to shove every memory and reflection into the corner until I can process them properly. 

Again, avoidance is my go-to coping mechanism.

No Cast

I was optimistic that Timmy would be waking up in a hard cast this morning. Unfortunately my optimism did not pan out. The doctor did not yet want to proceed to the hard cast, which was disappointing, but he also did not recommend surgery-yet. After examining a new round of x-rays it was decided to give Timmy's arm another week for the bones to settle down. If they continue to shift, surgery will be scheduled after his appointment next week. If the bones stay in place and do not move more, they will put him into a cast. 

While part of me would like to just make a decision and go with it, I understand the need to proceed with caution. I think I spent so many years of my life in orthopedic limbo that the thought of my son riding this roller coaster, even for a short period of time, saddens me. He is ready to ditch the sling and get back to moving. Waiting is hard, even when you know it is the right thing to do.

After Timmy's appointment I spent the afternoon working and cleaning up around the house. I gathered up all of the scraps of paper that were used to plan my brother's memorial service. Seeing the constant reminders of his death has become overwhelming. I think the only way I can maintain my composure will be through utilizing my favorite go to coping strategy: avoidance. I am going to try to focus on my day-to-day activities because thinking about Jae's death.

Today is another step towards normalcy. Timmy is going to return to school after an extended Spring Break. I know that he is missing his friends and resuming his schedule will be good for everybody.

Home

 The past few days have been exhausting, heartbreaking and cathartic. Memorializing my brother has been among the hardest things I've ever attempted. I quickly discovered that it is simply impossible to encapsulate somebody's life in a few words and moments on a random Sunday afternoon. I will continue to hold my brother's memory close to my heart and I will miss him terribly. 

While last week was about grieving and helping my mom, this week I am turning my efforts towards obtaining answers. We would like to know why a blind amputee was shot in the neck when he called for assistance. I have zero confidence in an internal investigation being conducted among the "brotherhood." As expected, we are being met with a wall when we reach out.Thankfully I am versed at chipping away at walls and calling in the cavalry when necessary. I know that nothing will bring Jae back, but I plan on pushing for both accountability and change.

While I'm readying myself for the battle to come, this morning I am focusing on Timmy. We are returning to the ortho for another round of xrays on his arm. Hopefully his bones did not shift and the doctor is able to put Timmy into a hard cast. If the bones moved or or if they are somehow misaligned, we will be preparing for surgery.