Tired

 This year has left me feeling completely gutted. The past few weeks have been especially difficult.  I’ve tried to push through, but the weight of it all feels overwhelming, leaving me raw and drained. I am fighting the overwhelming urge to hide under my covers in a dark room, but the house needs to be packed and life must proceed. 

So I am packing, listening to audio books and trying to keep my mind as busy as possible. When I feel like I'm going to cry, I pack downstairs so the boys don't hear. We have been transparent about the situation, but want to shield them from my emotions as much as possible. Timmy in particular becomes upset when I cry and I want to spare him from this pain. 

Today I'm going to pack a few more boxes, pack up my bag and head to visit my Mom for Thanksgiving. I'm not feeling particularly thankful or holidayish this year, but I know that time marches. Despite the turmoil that is swirling around us, the boys deserve and expect a holiday season.  I'm going to do my best to fake my way through.

Broken

 Friday afternoon I logged into a scheduled meeting with my boss. I have been working at the organization for four years and was feeling confident. My performance and my numbers are solid, my feedback has been extremely positive and I know that my efforts have significantly been helping people. Things have been going so well in fact that I thought the meeting might be to broach the idea of transitioning from contractual to full-time employee. 

Imagine my shock when, after exchanging pleasantries for 10 minutes, the tone immediately shifted. The love the program and the community that I have built. Unfortunately, due to the current transitions within the company, they don't feel like they have the resources necessary to grow. Therefore, they have decided to shelf the program.

My dream job would come to an end at the conclusion of 2024. 

I am not quite certain what happened during the rest of the meeting because I was in shock. I spent the weekend reeling, trying to make heads of tails out of what has just become of my life. In an instant, everything has changed.  Again.

2024 is the year that broke me. I know I will regroup and we will move forward. But right now, I feel gutted and defeated. I feel like the universe is working overtime to demonstrate that it truly doesn't care.