60

 We are on the brink of an exciting weekend. Tomorrow Scott is turning 60! Unlike other decade celebrations, this year we are keeping it simple. Scott asked for a steak dinner tomorrow, and tonight we are going to pick up Robby and go out to a restaurant as a family. 

I'm doing my best to respect Scott's wishes for a calmer celebration because he is increasingly depressed about his age. I'm sure that everything feels different as a cardiac survivor, including birthdays. I keep reminding him (and perhaps myself) that he is entering year 60 healthier than he entered 59. His blood pressure is under control, he has shed 15 pounds, he works out regularly and his diet has been completely transformed. By every measure he is physically better this year, but the weight of the 'event' continues to weigh him down.

There have been so many changes for both of us that I certainly understand Scott's desire for quiet and normalcy. I suspect that he will spend his birthday on the couch watching racing, which will allow him to zone out and unwind. Have a great weekend! 

 

Sad

 This has been a rough week. Work has been fine, but my emotions have been on the brink. We have lived in this state for a year now, yet Scott and I continue to feel like outsiders. The residents of this state just don't welcome outsiders. After a year of big smiles and outgoing conversation starts, I am simply tired of trying.

I've resigned myself to the fact that I probably won't form friendships with anybody in this state. I just can't break through, and the rejection is starting to wear me down. I'm starting to no longer give a f*ck, which is not a mentally healthy perspective to hold about coworkers and neighbors.

Thankfully the cold rain is supposed to dissipate today, leaving bright skies and warmer temperatures. I'm hopeful that resuming outdoor activities again will help to bolster my mood. I always feel happier walking in the sunshine. 

Nobody Cares

 Yesterday was emotionally and intellectually draining. The marathon meeting took almost five hours, but at the end the student is going to be served appropriately, which is a huge win. While I'm delighted for the outcome, the entire ordeal simply highlighted the fact that I do not fit in socially. While all of the administrators huddled before the meeting and during the break, I was relegated to standing against a wall by myself. Again.

I spend a lot of time wall hugging in this new job. I do not feel welcome into the teacher's lounges, so I try to respect their space and not infringe. Conversation attempts are either outright rebuffed or not reciprocated. Despite my efforts at every school, I have failed to make any social inroads. My conversations remain superficial at best and I'm tired of trying.

I came home from the meeting feeling happy for the student but deflated emotionally. Scott is right. It doesn't matter if I am working remotely or in person. At the end of the day, nobody cares about the contractor.

So, I've decided to abandon any aspirations of establishing friendships. If none of these individuals want to get to know me, so be it. It is there loss, because I'm delightful. (LOL)  Instead, I'm going to focus on my students, and be the best instructor that I can be for them. They deserve it.  

Park

 What a gorgeous weekend! 

I'm going to ignore the fact that we are supposed to receive more snow tonight by focusing on the fact that it was almost 70 degrees over the weekend. It was the perfect weekend for Robby's Pokemon Go event, which he thoroughly enjoyed both Friday and Saturday.

While Robby was busy at the park with his friends, Timmy took the opportunity to go jogging. He is registered for a Lucky 4 Miler with my sister in a few weeks and he has been training. I must admit that I am impressed with his dedication. I've always hated to run, but he seems to enjoy himself. We spent Friday evening meandering through the park, with him jogging and me walking. It was a fun and relaxing way to finish a very stressful week.

On Saturday we returned to the park so that Robby could continue his event. Again Timmy went for a long jog and seemed to thoroughly enjoy himself. After hibernating from the cold during the past few months, it was nice to be outside and breathing the fresh air again.

Unfortunately tonight we are supposed to get more snow. March snow never lasts long, but at this point I'm ready for Spring. Of course, I don't get a vote in the weather so my opinion is of no import. 

Today is going to be difficult with a contentious meeting scheduled. Please send me strength and good thoughts. It is going to be a very long day. 

Saved By the Bell

Yesterday, work was rough. The mental gymnastics necessary to navigate all of the interpersonal relationships within all of these schools is utterly exhausting. Sometimes I feel like I walked into a backwards episode of Saved By The Bell because of all of the petty comments and gossip that I overhear. 

I know that gossip is present in any workplace, and that in this regard the school communities are no different. I suppose one benefit of being primarily remote was my ability to glide above the personal relationship muck. In any case, yesterday the discord felt stronger and increasingly uncomfortable. Perhaps I'm not the only person who feels on edge from current events and societal anxiety is seeping into the workplace. 

In any case, I'm so glad that it is Friday. I don't know what I am going to do over the weekend, but I hope it involves a nap and no technology.  Have a good day! 

running

 After a classmate cast doubt on the authenticity of the medal Timmy earned doing the Turkey Trot this year, he has been on his own little medal quest. Not one to be told that he didn't really achieve something, he is doubling down on his 5k prowess. In order to prove his friend wrong, Timmy decided that he simply needs more medals. So he talked his Aunt Sheri into doing a St. Paddy's day race with him and he has begun training. 

Yesterday after school Timmy hopped onto his bike and mapped out a .1 mile route around the house. With Friend at his side, the pair dutifully jogged ten laps while I sat in my swing and cheered them on. (I am thoroughly enjoying the unseasonably warm weather.)   Friend was exhausted but delighted. Running with Timmy and string cheese are Friend's very favorite things.

 

 

Secret

 I love the fact that I have been working for five months yet only two co-workers know that I am a below knee amputee. I have worked hard to smooth my gait and I am proud of the fact that it is not noticeable. At the same time, I'm proud to be an amputee and I don't feel compelled to hide my disability. Confused?  I don't quite understand myself either.

 West Virginia is a miserable place to live with a disability. Immediately upon moving to the state I recognized an increase in verbal quips and sneers when I had my prosthesis visible. My decision to wear only pants at work was a proactive move against possible discrimination. I wanted the opportunity to meet my coworkers, and to do the job, without the bias of my being an amputee. 

Somehow, five months have passed and I now feel like I'm safeguarding a secret. I've decided to wear a skirt in April for Limb Loss Awareness Month. Until then, this is our little secret.