Friend

 I'm looking forward to this weekend when I will be hanging out with my dear friend from college. Scott and Robby scored tickets to a concert in her area, so we decided to make a weekend of it. Timmy and Friend are going to my Mom and Sister's house, where he will enjoy some St. Paddy's day festivities (and lots of spoiling, I'm sure).  I'm going to hang out with my friend while the boys are at the concert. I'm really looking forward to some quality friend time!

Not only will I be seeing my friend, but Robby will be coming home for his Spring Break. It is difficult to fathom that he is almost done with his sophomore year.  Time has moved so quickly, especially since I started back in the schools.  

Robby has already sent me the list of foods that he is looking forward to devouring over the next week. I guess I'll be spending all my free time in the kitchen.  I'm not going to complain though- I'm happy that he still wants to come home and eat at my kitchen table. I know that this won't always be the case, so I'll enjoy the moment. 

Have a great weekend! 

 

Grief

 Yesterday was strange. I woke up at my normal time but, as soon as I opened my eyes, I remembered the significance of the date. 28 years ago my foot was crushed. Most years the anniversary passes as a blip, sometimes I don't even remember at all. But for some reason, yesterday the memory hung heavy on my heart.

A literal lifetime has passed since I was injured and my life was derailed. Since that sad day I have worked through surgeries, pain, loss, frustrations and curve balls to rebuild a new life. In the past year, I've seen most of what I have professionally built dismantled because it was not singularly profitable. 28 years later, I am back working exclusively in my pre-injury profession having accepted that the prosthetics industry truly only values the monetary bottom line.  

Perhaps the anniversary felt more profound this year because I am no longer in the prosthetics industry. I don't know. I do know that I was glad when the sun finally set so that I could put the date behind me. Thankfully nothing of import has happened in my life on March 12, so today should be emotionally safer. 

Riding

 Yesterday I was running around all day putting out fires (figuratively, not literally), but I didn't really mind because the weather was gorgeous. Today is supposed to be even nicer. With bright skies and warm temperatures, I'm looking forward to resuming my outdoor lessons. I've been contained within walls for far too long.

After school Timmy hopped onto his electric bike and rode until the battery was dead. I know that he is delighted to be able to go outside for longer periods of time and to again be on two wheels. I resumed my perch on the swing, chatting with him as he rode by on his loop. After a rather stressful day, it was the perfect way to wind down.

The bike is charging and readying for another session tonight. Have a great day! 

Birthday Wrap Up

 Scott's birthday was a low-key, nearly non-existent affair. Per his request, I refrained from decorating and serenading him with Happy Birthday throughout the day. Instead, I made a nice steak dinner, gave him a gift and called it a day. I knew that this birthday was going to be difficult, but I suspect I underestimated the impact. Regardless, I think we are both happy that his birthday is over so that we can put being 60 in a box and forget about it for another year.

Robby spent the weekend on campus. On Saturday he joined his Spanish class for a field trip to DC. He had a fantastic time! In fact, we didn't hear from him until nearly 11pm.  It turns out that he and his friends decided to go to the Drag Show fundraiser on campus after they got back on campus, so he kept his phone off.  I was delighted to know that Robby was having fun and I was sure that he was safe and happy. Scott was nearly frantic as the evening passed, working himself into a near frenzy. At one point he wanted to drive by Robby's dorm to see if he made it back from the field trip.  Of course he was half joking, but his worry was visible.  His reaction was almost comical if it hadn't been rooted in concern.

Sunday I spent in the kitchen, cleaning and prepping for the week ahead. The weather is going to be gorgeous, which means that my students and I can resume our outdoor adventures.  The days are always happier when I can spend them outside! 

60

 We are on the brink of an exciting weekend. Tomorrow Scott is turning 60! Unlike other decade celebrations, this year we are keeping it simple. Scott asked for a steak dinner tomorrow, and tonight we are going to pick up Robby and go out to a restaurant as a family. 

I'm doing my best to respect Scott's wishes for a calmer celebration because he is increasingly depressed about his age. I'm sure that everything feels different as a cardiac survivor, including birthdays. I keep reminding him (and perhaps myself) that he is entering year 60 healthier than he entered 59. His blood pressure is under control, he has shed 15 pounds, he works out regularly and his diet has been completely transformed. By every measure he is physically better this year, but the weight of the 'event' continues to weigh him down.

There have been so many changes for both of us that I certainly understand Scott's desire for quiet and normalcy. I suspect that he will spend his birthday on the couch watching racing, which will allow him to zone out and unwind. Have a great weekend! 

 

Sad

 This has been a rough week. Work has been fine, but my emotions have been on the brink. We have lived in this state for a year now, yet Scott and I continue to feel like outsiders. The residents of this state just don't welcome outsiders. After a year of big smiles and outgoing conversation starts, I am simply tired of trying.

I've resigned myself to the fact that I probably won't form friendships with anybody in this state. I just can't break through, and the rejection is starting to wear me down. I'm starting to no longer give a f*ck, which is not a mentally healthy perspective to hold about coworkers and neighbors.

Thankfully the cold rain is supposed to dissipate today, leaving bright skies and warmer temperatures. I'm hopeful that resuming outdoor activities again will help to bolster my mood. I always feel happier walking in the sunshine. 

Nobody Cares

 Yesterday was emotionally and intellectually draining. The marathon meeting took almost five hours, but at the end the student is going to be served appropriately, which is a huge win. While I'm delighted for the outcome, the entire ordeal simply highlighted the fact that I do not fit in socially. While all of the administrators huddled before the meeting and during the break, I was relegated to standing against a wall by myself. Again.

I spend a lot of time wall hugging in this new job. I do not feel welcome into the teacher's lounges, so I try to respect their space and not infringe. Conversation attempts are either outright rebuffed or not reciprocated. Despite my efforts at every school, I have failed to make any social inroads. My conversations remain superficial at best and I'm tired of trying.

I came home from the meeting feeling happy for the student but deflated emotionally. Scott is right. It doesn't matter if I am working remotely or in person. At the end of the day, nobody cares about the contractor.

So, I've decided to abandon any aspirations of establishing friendships. If none of these individuals want to get to know me, so be it. It is there loss, because I'm delightful. (LOL)  Instead, I'm going to focus on my students, and be the best instructor that I can be for them. They deserve it.