Thanksgiving

 This past Thanksgiving was difficult. Between navigating the move, the sudden change in my employment status and the first holiday after Jae was killed by Lt. John Ellen in Austin Texas on April 3, joy was elusive. It is no secret that I am struggling this year to tap into the holiday spirit. At this point, I'm thinking of throwing up the white flag and calling it a minimalist Christmas.

I spent Friday and Saturday with Scott selling at the mall. Yesterday I stayed home and packed while Robby and Scott handled the sales. After the mall closed Rob was ferried back to his dorm to finish out the semester. It is hard to believe that his semester finishes in two weeks. In many ways it feels like I just dropped him off at school, but so much as transpired it also feels like a lifetime ago. 

This week is all about packing. We go to settlement in one week from today (yikes) and the movers arrive next Tuesday. It is hard to believe that this is all going to happen. Of course, I keep waiting for a wrench to hijack the process. After the year that I've had, nothing would surprise me anymore.

Tired

 This year has left me feeling completely gutted. The past few weeks have been especially difficult.  I’ve tried to push through, but the weight of it all feels overwhelming, leaving me raw and drained. I am fighting the overwhelming urge to hide under my covers in a dark room, but the house needs to be packed and life must proceed. 

So I am packing, listening to audio books and trying to keep my mind as busy as possible. When I feel like I'm going to cry, I pack downstairs so the boys don't hear. We have been transparent about the situation, but want to shield them from my emotions as much as possible. Timmy in particular becomes upset when I cry and I want to spare him from this pain. 

Today I'm going to pack a few more boxes, pack up my bag and head to visit my Mom for Thanksgiving. I'm not feeling particularly thankful or holidayish this year, but I know that time marches. Despite the turmoil that is swirling around us, the boys deserve and expect a holiday season.  I'm going to do my best to fake my way through.

Broken

 Friday afternoon I logged into a scheduled meeting with my boss. I have been working at the organization for four years and was feeling confident. My performance and my numbers are solid, my feedback has been extremely positive and I know that my efforts have significantly been helping people. Things have been going so well in fact that I thought the meeting might be to broach the idea of transitioning from contractual to full-time employee. 

Imagine my shock when, after exchanging pleasantries for 10 minutes, the tone immediately shifted. The love the program and the community that I have built. Unfortunately, due to the current transitions within the company, they don't feel like they have the resources necessary to grow. Therefore, they have decided to shelf the program.

My dream job would come to an end at the conclusion of 2024. 

I am not quite certain what happened during the rest of the meeting because I was in shock. I spent the weekend reeling, trying to make heads of tails out of what has just become of my life. In an instant, everything has changed.  Again.

2024 is the year that broke me. I know I will regroup and we will move forward. But right now, I feel gutted and defeated. I feel like the universe is working overtime to demonstrate that it truly doesn't care. 

 

Uncomfortable

 Hopefully (fingers crossed) our septic will be repaired today. I was overly optimistic yesterday with my expectation that we were done. Apparently yesterday the electrician's repairs were completed. They also pumped the septic in preparation for the pump installation. Unfortunately, they failed to verify that they had the necessary pump in stock. It turns out that they do not, so project completion was bumped to this afternoon.

Because they already pumped the septic, we are under a strict 'no water waste' restriction. I filled our sinks up with boxes and put signs on each toilet to warn against flushing. Hopefully we will be able to resume water use this afternoon. Our bathrooms are becoming odoriferous and the dishes are piling up on my countertops. At this point in the move, living in this house has become unpleasant.

While Scott is dealing with the septic issues and repairmen, I will be picking up Robby from school. It is hard to believe that we are already at Thanksgiving break! I'm so excited to have him home for an entire week. The timing is perfect because I plan on using the time to prioritize and complete packing this house.

Septic

 Sigh.  

Our yard is filled with holes and my house is overflowing with boxes. Everywhere I turn I see more boxes, moved furniture and items waiting to be boxed. I can't watch television anymore because of the anxiety that it causes. No matter what I do, I cannot seem to escape the physical and mental chaos surrounding me at the moment. 

In order to sell our house we need to provide an inspection certificate stating that the septic system is in operational order. I have been worried about the state of our septic system because every neighbor has experienced catastrophic failures. After much digging and deliberation, it was determined that the majority of our septic system is just fine, with the exception of the blown pump. 

About 9 years ago we experienced a lightening strike which resulted in a mixture of damage, including blown electronics. Because the pump was covered, we had no reason to suspect that it was impacted by the strike. But the burnt marks on the nonfunctional pump is a pretty good indicator of the cause of damage. Regardless of the cause, a new pump has been ordered and will hopefully be installed today. Once the system is cleared, the holes and be filled and there will be no more barriers to our move.

Fingers crossed!

Still Hate Texas

 Perhaps in what ultimately became an act of grace, I have been so busy that it has been relatively easy for my mind to become distracted from the pain I feel over the decision to not indict the officer who killed my brother. Lt. John Ellen received the news that he would return to his life without consequence.  When I think about it I become so angry and upset that I cannot focus. At this time, I need to keep the pain contained and out of my consciousness because I would not be able to focus if I allowed myself to ride the wave.

Because the weather was gorgeous on Saturday we all put on gloves and worked in the garage. Within three hours the structure was purged, cleaned and organized. My home is being transformed into a maze of boxes and furniture. It is hard to believe that we are going to be in a new home in three weeks! 

Today I am back to work, organizing and packing. Right now, I'm so grateful for the distraction to keep my mind from Texas.

Broken

 Yesterday we heard that the State of Texas will not indict Officer Ellen (at least I have a name) for shooting Jae Friedman in the neck during a mental health check on April 3, 2023. Blind and in a wheelchair because of an above knee amputation which was the result of prisoner medical mismanagement, Jae's killing was condoned as appropriate.  This will never be okay.

I'd say God help us all, but I no longer believe in a higher power.