Spring Cleaning

I was a Girl Scout when I was younger. Although I never fully embraced the "scouting lifestyle," I did thoroughly enjoy many of the opportunities that being a Girl Scout provided. In particular, I loved selling cookies (no surprise there), making crafts and socializing.

Thankfully, the members of my troop were relaxed. We were into socializing more than earning merit badges. I was in the Brownies and Girl Scouts for a total of eight years. I never earned a badge. I did leave Scouts with a lot of friends and quite a few hand painted ceramic figurines!

My favorite "Scouting" song is known to Girl Scouts worldwide. "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other's gold." In many ways, this song sums up my philosophy towards friendship. That is, it was an apt description until recently.

When I was younger, anybody who liked to play outside or bake with an Easy Bake Oven was considered a friend. In college, making friends was easy. With so many people of a similar age living in close proximity, opportunities to socialize were readily available.

I have discovered that "work" friends quickly fizzle as soon as I became a stay-at-home mom. When I had my amputation I was dismayed and heartbroken by the abandonment of my "friends." Scott and I were left to our own devices with limited contact and little support throughout the majority of the healing. It was a difficult time for both of us, and it is still a bitter pill to swallow.

As soon as I became mobile, these individuals resurfaced. They offered cheers of support when I learned to step. Part of me was resentful that they took part in my victories when they were noticeably absent for the grief and pain.

I am starting to realize that my definition of a friend may be too broad. I expect more of my friends now that I am an adult. Merely having a common interest is not enough to sustain a meaningful friendship. A willingness to support and listen, mutual respect and a sense of reciprocity are also required.

It has dawned on me that many of my "friends" are missing some of these traits. I find myself feeling hurt and let down more frequently than I would like to admit. I try to be generous with my time and resources when I have a friend in need. I have spent hours on the phone with a friend who is crying or trying to work through an issue. When I need a shoulder to cry on or when I need to vent, I am often left talking to my cat!

I have a friend who, although she means well, always leaves me feeling deflated after our visits. She doesn't like my hair color, or my clothes, or my make-up. She is the first to tell me when I am putting on a little weight or when she thinks my limp is prominent. After seeing her the other day and listening to her well-meaning critique of my hair, I had a revelation. A friend will tell you when they don't like your hair. A good friend recognize that you are feeling worthless and ugly, and will compliment your shirt.

I am going to concentrate on fostering relationships with my good friends. I do have a few strong friendships which I value. These individuals have seen me through hell and back. They have celebrated my victories and have held my hand during my deepest hours. They know who they are, and they know how much I love them. I am blessed that they are in my life!

One of the unanticipated benefits of my blog is the number of friendships I have been able to create with people whom I've never physically met. Through shared common experiences, a bond has been formed. It is easy to talk about grief over the loss of a limb, even though the amputation was months or years ago, with somebody who can relate through experience. We share common hardships and celebrate victories which can only be appreciated by a fellow amputee. I am lucky to have formed these relationships, and it is my hope that someday we can all get together to meet in person. Perhaps an Amputee Mommy picnic?

On the converse side, my cell phone contact list is brimming with emails and phone numbers of friends who don't return my messages. I send emails that, although I know are read, have not been returned. I don't hear from many of these individuals until they need a friend, and it seems that I am always available to lend a hand. I am done.

I am starting my spring cleaning, but this year I'm starting with my cell phone. I have deleted emails and phone numbers from "friends" who constantly leave me feeling bad about myself or hurt by their comments. My cell phone list will be smaller, but it will be reflective of who I can truly call when I need a friend!