No News Zone

The news of the shooting in the Connecticut elementary school shook me to my core. Scott came home from work to find Robby napping in bed and me crying uncontrollably on the couch. I just cannot wrap my head around why somebody would do something so evil. I cannot fathom the earth shattering pain that these parents must be experiencing.

Robby is the same age as the majority of these young victims. Looking into his eyes, seeing his youthful innocence, I feel a compulsion to create a fortress to keep him safe. It takes a special strength to grieve the passing of a child. I know, with every bit of my being, that I am not that strong.

Last week I was criticized by an acquaintance for writing about Robby's Dengue fever on Facebook.  I was accused of coddling him while he was sick, with the promise that Robby will resent me when he is a teenager. This man's comments made little sense to me at the time, and I still do not fully comprehend his point. At the time of the post, Robby had a fever of nearly 105 degrees, was experiencing seizures and was intermittently incoherent. I felt like I was watching my vibrant little boy melt in front of my eyes.  To then accuse me of being a bad parent simply because I admitted to my friends that I was scared, was the epitome of insensitivity.  It took only a moment for me to remove this man from my life and I have no regrets about breaking the link.

I will never apologize for loving Robby. He is a wonderful boy, full of curiosity, compassion and an accepting spirit. Without a doubt, he is my greatest accomplishment. Right now, parents are living through my greatest nightmare- the death of their precious child. That is a torturous pain that should never be felt!

Friday evening and Saturday I was glued to the television, thirsty for any and all information about the massacre. Eventually, Scott insisted that I turn off the news. I found myself feeling guilty while watching a Christmas movie with Robby. How could I enjoy something so festive when so many people are going through hell? In a strange way, turning off the news felt disrespectful. Yet again, I was hit with the enormity of what happened, and I felt lost with how to deal with it.

It has been more than 24 hours since I have watched the news. I still feel pain for all of those victims and an overwhelming fear about how to protect Robby from evil in this world. I am beginning to accept that I cannot keep Robby protected from all evil. Most acts of carnage are nonsensical and can never be predicted. I know that he will never be 100% safe because as much as I hate to admit it, I cannot control every variable in his life. All I can do is love him beyond words and try to keep him as safe as possible.

Friday afternoon, as the news of the massacre was dominating our thoughts, Robby's high fever finally broke. After a week of Dengue hell, he has moved out of the crisis portion of the illness. His recovery is expected to be long and we anticipate frustrations as he struggles to regain his strength and ability to concentrate. Despite the unexpected obstacle, I know that he will be okay. 

Out of a sense of gratitude for Robby's improving health and to honor those young children who were murdered at school, we have made a donation to Children's Hospital. I have come to realize that doing something is always better than simply crying and wishing that I could help. There is a lot of evil in this world, but there is also a lot of love. I choose to concentrate on the positive. I won't be turning on the news for awhile.