Badges

 Yesterday was the National Night Out, a police led initiative to integrate and ingratiate into their communities. The boys look forward to the event each year because it is littered with freebies, games and activities. This is our first year in West Virginia and we weren't sure what to expect, but we were pleasantly surprised by the event.  

While the boys had a blast trolling through the booths for freebies and food, I felt uncomfortable from the moment we arrived. The police presence, which was expected because they were hosting, immediately triggered my anxiety. With every badge I saw my brother being shot. I don't know if I will ever be able to disassociate all badges from my anxiety, but I do know that I am not there yet.

Even though I struggled with the badges, it was nice doing something 'normal' as a family again. This is the first event we have resumed post-heart attack. It is definitely time for us to start returning to our lives again. Scott is healthier and we need to figure out a new way ahead. 

Trees

 When we returned from Ohio we discovered an 80 foot tree fell down in our side yard. Thankful that it didn't harm a structure or encroach too severely on our neighbors' property line, I arranged to have my nephew and his tree-trimming friends to come down on Saturday to help. Although we were all frustrated by the damage, we were able to forget about it until the weekend.

In preparation for our merry band of chain-saw wielding young men, Scott and I went to the ATM Saturday morning to grab some cash. The skies and weather were beautiful, and we were both feeling optimistic that the job should be easy for 'the boys.' We had just returned to the house and were turning our attention to debating between chicken or pizza for lunch when we heard a crash. 

Crash does not adequately describe the sound that we heard. The house shook with a violence that was unsettling. After confirming that nobody was hurt inside, I went outside to check for the culprit. I was shocked by the sight before me.

Two 100+ poplar trees were laying across my yard, driveway and front yard. Leaves and branches were everywhere. Somehow, these massive trunks managed to miss the house and the SUV, for which we are grateful and astounded. 

Because the two trees that fell were attached to another two 125 foot poplars, we knew that we needed to call in some professionals above my nephew. Precariously perched atop rotten roots, we were frightened that an obese squirrel could jump onto the trunk and topple the entire thing. Thankfully our neighbors helped us locate a local tree company who was more than willing to come out on a Saturday for an emergency job. 

While the professional company was working in our front and side yard, my nephew and his buddies were in the back chopping up the original felled tree into firewood. Needless to say, the yard was certainly abuzz with excitement. 

 

Separation

 Yesterday was our 21st wedding anniversary. Some years we celebrate by going out to dinner or making grand gestures, while other years we quietly wish each other a Happy Anniversary over whatever dinner I'm making that night. This year's celebration was laid back and relatively non-eventful.  After the year we have endured, quiet and calm was right up my alley!

Scott is halfway through his cardiac rehab program and I think we are beginning to settle into our new lifestyle. It has been quite an adjustment for everybody! I think that doctors and the entire medical establishment fails to acknowledge the impact of a cardiac event on the entire family unit. Of course, our medical system is not set up to care about people as individuals, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. 

Today Scott is going to venture to rehab by himself, which is a big step for both of us. He has been well enough to drive home after the sessions for several weeks, and my being there has become a crutch. If we are going to resume an somewhat normal lifestyle, we will need to separate at some point.  We are both a bit anxious but we realize it is time. 

Wish us luck!

 

Back Home

 This past week has been hot and exhausting. Scott's aunt was hospitalized and it seemed like a good opportunity for a visit with his mom. Scott hasn't been home since his heart attack and I know he has been struggling with feeling homesick. I've learned that it doesn't matter how old you are, you always want your mom when you don't feel well.  I was worried that the trip was going to be too much for him but the emotional needs overruled my concerns.

We borrowed my Mom's car which has fantastic air conditioning and more room. We split the drive and took frequent rests. Despite our efforts, Scott was not feeling well when we arrived in Ohio. The heat in the house certainly did not help. Although we had a small air conditioner delivered to Ohio, the house itself was often overwhelming with heat. When the living room heats up to 101, there is little that can be done to cool it down quickly and comfortably.

Our visit was quicker than normal because of the heat and Scott's cardio rehab appointments. Because of my health concerns for Scott the visit was more stressful than normal. But seeing Scott so relaxed with his mom made it all worth while.

That being said, I'm very happy to be home where every since room is habitable and cool.

 

Swimming

 This summer has been difficult, however watching Robby assume some of the 'entertainment' load for Timmy has been wonderful. Timmy loves doing anything that includes his big brother and Robby has been more than eager to lap up the adoration.  Last week the boys went to our little local water park twice. Seeing their sun-kissed cheeks walking through the door made my heart smile.

 The age difference between the boys has made entertaining both of them difficult. Breaking up summer boredom has become even more complicated by the hot temperatures and seemingly constant storms. I'm glad that we were able to break up the week and take full advantage of the non-rain hours.  When the boys aren't swimming together they are usually playing video games. Timmy has been working hard and practicing so that he can play with his brother during online games. The screams of attack plans and hoots of joy radiate through the house when they are playing.

Today is an off day for Scott's cardiac rehab.  He has officially reached the halfway point in the program. Hopefully soon everything won't feel as different and hard.  

Over analyzing

 Last week I struggled emotionally.  I found myself stuck in my own spiraling thoughts as I attempted to weave through nearly 2 decades of friendship to determine if it was built upon truth or manipulation. I tried to stop overthinking but I just got caught in the cycle of remembering, analyzing, and wondering.  Has this ever happened to you?

It is terribly painful to realize that a friendship that you have valued may not be perceived with the same esteem by your friend.  Overvaluing a friendship is one thing. But feeling like it may have been ultimately all a manipulation is something else entirely.  Let me tell you, this one really hurts.

On Saturday, overwhelmed by all of the feelings and emotions in my head, I did what I knew would help to recenter me. I went to visit my Mom. No matter how old I get, her hugs and her presence always recenter me.  It was a quick getaway, just one night because Scott has to resume cardio rehab this morning, but it was enough for me to feel normal, or at least as normal as possible again.  

Here's to a better week for everybody!

 

Veggie Slicer

The past few months have had a strong heart and health focus. Between managing medication and cardiac rehabilitation, this has definitely been the summer of focusing on Scott's health and needs. I have had to reform the way in which I cook, trying to focus on heart healthy foods while still making the kids happy. Needless to say, it has been a difficult balance.  

Many days I feel like a short order cook. The kids have been relatively low maintenance this summer and have not complained, but I still feel guilty about being tethered home instead of pursuing adventures. Because of my guilt, I'm compensating in the kitchen. We've developed a habit of my cooking separate meals for everybody in an attempt to make them happy. Unfortunately, it is running me ragged in the process.

In an attempt to simplify the seemingly endless cutting and chopping of veggies, we purchased a food slicer.  Excited to try it out, I called the kids into the kitchen to show them my new 'toy' and to talk to them about the need to ALWAYS use the food guard when slicing. Demonstrating with a tomato, I began to tell them how you should never slice a food without the guard because...

OUCH! Yep. I cut the tip of my thumb off while showing the kids.  The bleeding was significant and the bandage required for my thumb kept me from typing for nearly a week.  Hence the lack of blogs.

Needless to say, I don't think anybody will be using the new veggie slicer again anytime soon.