I try to not spend a lot of time on wishes and "what if" questions. I become depressed if I dwell on what has been lost or what can never become a reality. Every once in awhile I can't help but reflect on "what ifs" in my life. This morning I was thinking, if I could have my foot back for just one day,what would I do?
Perhaps it is the warm weather or watching Robby running around outside, carefree and happy. In any case, it didn't take me long to decide what I would do if I had my foot again. I would spend the day walking on the grass barefoot.
In the summertime as a child, I rarely wore shoes outside. I'm sure that I left rings around the bathtub each night because of my blackened feet. To me, the feeling of the earth under my feet reminds me of childhood. A stress free time when deciding what game to play or what flavor ice cream I wanted was the most taxing decision of the day.
Before my surgery, I tried to memorize the sensations coming from my foot. I was in a lot of pain, so this was difficult. I wanted to freeze time. I tried to soak in every feeling so that I would always remember what it felt like to have two feet.
As my surgery approached, I made an increasing effort to capture each moment. It almost became an obsession. I remember lying in the bathtub the night before my amputation trying to memorize the feeling of my foot in the water.
I guess one cannot commit a feeling to memory. I can't remember normal sensations from my amputated leg. I no longer remember what walking barefoot with both feet feels like. This makes me sad.
My dream is that someday a prosthetic will be developed that allows me to feel these ordinary sensations. It would be wonderful to put on a foot that allowed me to feel the cool soil, warm sand or the hot asphalt. They are making huge strides with prosthetic development, but I'm sure that incorporating these sensations is not yet a priority. Perhaps, one day, it will become a reality.