Undecided

I remain undecided about my run on Saturday. Whether I run, jog, walk, or perhaps a combination, I know that I will complete the full 3.2 miles Saturday morning! I am hoping and planning for a full running experience, but I am not sure if my leg will cooperate with my plans.

Physically following through with running the race is perhaps not the most prudent choice. I may be exacerbating the bursa/ bone spur. I worry that I will be causing more damage by continuing to run.

Strange as it sounds, I think that it would be more detrimental for me to abandon my 5k dreams. I have made a commitment, and I am determined to follow through. Emotionally, the blow that would be dealt by quitting would be significant. Quitting would mean that I failed myself, my friends and my family. I worry that Robby would view his Mommy as a quitter, somebody who gives up whenever the situation becomes difficult. I do not want to be that kind of role model.

I received my jerry-rigged prosthetic this afternoon. Elliot and his staff invested a lot of time and resources into creating a more comfortable running experience. He put a series of wedges behind the components so that I am no longer rubbing in the front of the socket. After I slipped on the leg, I was optimistic about the prospects of running.

After dinner, I went for my evening run. I started out slowly, unsure of how my stump was going to react to the impact. It was sore, and I could feel the knot rubbing and start to throb. Thankfully, my pain level never increased to an intolerable level. I only had to stop to readjust the socket 3 times!

I jogged the entire 3.2 miles, and I was elated. Scott and Robby came to pick me up from the 7-11 and they found me jogging home. Shamelessly seeking a compliment, I asked Scott how I looked running. His response was short, "Miserable." Gee honey, thanks.

My time is nothing to brag about, but for a novice one-legged runner I think that it is acceptable. I ran the entire 5k in 51 minutes. No, that is not going to break any records, but I am proud of that time. I worked and pushed through every stride. I bragged about my speed to Scott, who responded "When I was 18 I ran the 5k in 21 minutes. You're in your 30's. What do you expect, you're not 18." Again, thanks sweetheart.

So I look miserable when I run, which I am. I run slow, and I am certainly not 18. I am a 36 year old amputee who is trying something new. I've discovered that sometimes, when I am seeking a compliment, they are nearly impossible to elicit. Perhaps I should give one to myself instead.

I'm trying, and that counts for a lot. I am discouraged by the pain in my socket, but I am not letting it hold me back. I am going to finish the 5k. If I'm not able to run the whole time, I will be disappointed.

Right now I am feeling the affects of my efforts. My stump is sore and the bursa/ bone spur is swollen and painful. I have a few more days to adjust my running style and to continue to tweak the prosthetic. Hopefully we'll find the magic combination that allows me to run without pain.

I hope that Robby sees that I'm not giving up. I want him to know that you don't have to be the first person across the line to be a true winner. I am becoming depressed because the pain and difficulty persists. Instead of dwelling on the negative, I think I'll celebrate how far my running skills have come. Perhaps I'll have some cake, but I think I'll walk to the kitchen instead of sprinting.