I'm still sore from my tumble down the pumpkin hill on Wednesday. I know that nothing is broken because I'm not feeling a lot of pain, just soreness. It feels as if I have been in a car accident, and I'm miserable.
It is moments like this, when it hurts to walk, that I feel disabled. I must say, I despise feeling disabled! Now not only am I sore, I'm sad as well.
I know that I shouldn't be this hard on myself. The entrance to the slide was steep and difficult for able bodied parents to mount. I realize that I didn't fall because I am an amputee or because of any balance issues. Still, logic isn't helping me navigate through this emotional quagmire. I'm sore, sad and frustrated.
Several months ago I heard it said that 50% of all amputees live in fear of falling. When asked about the last time that they fell, these amputees were not able to pinpoint the date or the situation. The other 50% of amputees, those who were not fearful of falling, all admitted that they had fallen within the past two months.
The fear of falling can be a powerful force for the amputee. The fear of falling can keep us from engaging in life and trying new activities. In many ways, the fear itself becomes more debilitating than the limb loss.
I hate falling, but I am not fearful of it. Heaven knows I certainly have enough experience! In the past 18 months I have broken my wrist, twisted my back and sustained multiple road rashes from falls. I have also learned to run and to compete in a race, started to play on the equipment at the park with Robby and gone down some really fast hay slides.
I am currently paying the physical price of falling. Despite being sore, Robby and I have wonderful memories from Pumpkinville. He has come to expect that I will be there, by his side, as he plays and explores. The fear of falling is not going to keep me from engaging in what I consider to be safe activities.
This morning, after my ibuprofen kicks in, I am going to try to shake off my "disability blues." I slid and I fell, but I'm not hurt. I think I need to give myself a break and props for trying!