It's OKAY to Grieve!

I remember my emotions being frayed in the days leading up to the first anniversary of my amputation. I was proud of my accomplishments yet, despite my efforts, I couldn't feel completely happy. It seemed wrong to celebrate the loss of a part of my body, albeit broken and causing me pain.

On my first anniversary I refused to talk about the significance of the date. I maintained my stoic I'm-doing-great facade, refusing to admit to the pain that I was feeling. I am not a good role model for how to deal with the first anniversary. I would have been better off dealing with my emotions rather than bottling them up.

I've written before about spending the first few years of my amputation in denial. While I knew that my limb loss was real, I refused to admit to the emotional toll that the amputation had taken. I felt compelled to remain upbeat and optimistic, accepting and "just fine" for everybody around me. I knew that they had been through hell and back with me and never wavered in their support or love. Because of this, I didn't want to add to their stress burden by admitting that I was anything but well-adjusted and happy.

It took me a long time to admit to myself and to my family and friends that I mourned my foot. While I never regretted the decision to amputate, I grieved for the person that I was before the accident. My life was forever changed, and it took me years to realize that it was okay to miss being a normal limbed, pain free young adult.

One of the benefits that my blog has brought me lies in the people who have entered my life. I have had the opportunity to meet so many caring, compassionate, quirky and wonderful people. Although not all of my readers are amputees, most who contact me are dealing with their own limb loss.

A friend of mine, who happens to read this blog, recently marked her first year as an amputee. She was in a situation similar to mine. She sustained an injury and, despite years of limb salvaging surgeries, finally concluded that her best quality of life would result from amputating part of her leg.

During the past year I have watched her grow and flourish. She has let me experience her triumphs and joys. I regret the circumstances that led to our friendship, but I consider myself fortunate that she entered my life.

Anniversaries are difficult. I try to use the date as an opportunity to look back on my accomplishments and achievements during the year that passed. Of course, if that doesn't work having a slice of cake might help too!