My fitness quest was sidelined by my fall in November which resulted in injuries to both my residual limb and my ankle. True to the prediction of my doctors, it took months to heal and to walk without pain. Just as I was feeling normal, the verrous hyperplasia decided to rear its ugly purple head reintroducing pain and limiting my activities again.
my limb is still not fully recovered and healed, I am well enough to
resume some level of exercise. I have to avoid high impact activities
such as running (which isn't difficult to avoid because I detest it),
but I am cleared to walk. My first jaunt through the neighborhood left
me sore, winded and discouraged. It is horribly ironic that it can take
so much time and effort to become conditioned but getting out of shape
is so easy!
True to form, I began to mentally berate myself for
my lack of strength. I hate that my internal dialog is so negative! I
have really been working on recognizing this unsavory trait and trying
to change the message to one which is more uplifting. So many people in
this world are more than willing to point out my negative flaws that I
really don't need to keep doing it for myself.
It has occurred to
me that I have spent an inordinate amount of time and energy beating
myself up. I am highly critical of my weight (especially my hips and
bum), my mediocre housekeeping skills (I would never win the Good
Housekeeping Seal of Approval), and my parenting abilities (thankfully
I'm not a candidate for Nanny 911- yet). I wish I could figure out how
to accept myself, strengths and weaknesses, without going through a long
dialog of self-condemnation.
I take solace in the knowledge
that I am not alone with this struggle. So many of my friends have
confided to similar themed self-destructive thought processes. Why do we
invest so much time and mental energy striving towards an unattainable
version of perfection?
In an effort to change my thinking, I am
trying to embrace my muscle pain instead of berating the soreness. I was
not able to exercise because of a series of injuries, not because I was
unmotivated or unwilling. Setbacks happen; life happens. I am now
trying to reestablish my fitness and that is a good thing. It would be
easy to give up and surrender to the fatigue and negativity. Instead,
I'm going to keep plugging away, knowing that I'll have both successes
By consciously providing myself with a positive
spin, I'm hoping to be able to minimize my negative thought processes.
I'm tired of beating myself up! I'm going to be 40 sooner than I would
like to admit, and I want to be able to accept myself for who I am, not
punish myself for who I am not.