The Birthday Blues

Typically I look forward to my birthday with the eagerness of a child. Perhaps the excitement of the past week caught up with me, but this year I felt humdrum about the entire day. I didn't feel excited or happy about turning a year older, rather I found myself feeling disconnected. Instead of enjoying my special day, I spent the hours waiting for it to be over.

I'm not upset about turning 39, although to be completely honest the prospect of turning 40 does not amuse me. I have accepted that I am middle aged, but I also believe that my best is yet to come. My 20's were spent in and out of the hospital as I battled constant pain. My 30's were spent adjusting to living life as an amputee and navigating the minefields of motherhood. I feel like I am now beginning to know myself and I look forward to the adventures that will come my way.

With two trips into Washington DC and an appearance on a nationally syndicated radio show, last week was exceptionally busy. I was running on adrenaline and it was a matter of time before I came crashing down. Unfortunately, I began the descent on Saturday and by Sunday morning, I had thoroughly crash landed into reality.

Between balancing my new professional adventures and trying to handle several personal family issues, my birthday was less than climactic. It felt disingenuous to feign excitement when I was overwhelmed with sadness and worry. I tried to feel festive, but the mood never materialized.

I assembled a lasagna on Saturday night so that I had minimal cooking on my birthday. Robby and his friend baked me a cake which looked odd but tasted better than anything that I could have bought at a bakery. The highlight of my day was reading all of the birthday wishes that were posted to my Facebook and Twitter accounts. It warmed my heart to know that so many people were thinking of me and wishing me happiness, even though I pretended that it was just another Sunday at home.