Yesterday I woke up not feeling well. I didn't feel sick, instead I felt an underlying fatigue, toxicity and sadness. Although I know that each sensation could be easily explained, the knowledge did nothing to minimize the impact. Fighting the urge to hide in bed, I struggled to complete even the simplest tasks.
My limb is
infected and, despite the fact that it is responding to the antibiotics,
my body is having a difficult time dealing with the latest bad bug
assault. It feels like I have been sick for the past six months,
probably because that statement isn't too far from reality. My doctor
has switched the antibiotics and I'm trying to remain optimistic that I
will finally lick the infections. I am to the point where I can barely
remember what it feels like to be well, without a fever and pain!
am also struggling with my own emotions, no doubt a result of
everything which has transpired recently. In the midst of a crying fit I
realized that, in the past two months I have had a premature (high
need) baby, a severe uterine infection, a liver contusion, a
re-amputation and my beloved Sophie Cat died. Add the diagnosis of cancer and the resurgence of the pituitary tumors and I suppose I have earned
the right to breakdown and cry Uncle.
I suffered with post-partum
depression after Robby was born. After Robby I
felt void of emotions, as if I was an empty shell just going through
the motions. I didn't realize the depths of the depression until it
began to lift nearly a year later. I have been extremely worried that I
would have the same reaction after giving birth to Timmy, but this
Right now I don't feel empty, just overwhelmed
and sad. I want to be an active Mom, but at the moment I am limited by
my body. I hate being limited and I find it utterly infuriating. Everything is harder right now, and I just want a
break. I want to be healthy and happy so badly that the fact that I am
healing and without my leg is making me feel useless, not empty.
the pain is quickly fading and I am seeing the light at the end of the
re-amputation tunnel. Within a few weeks I'll be able to get a new leg,
and this will be a memory. I just need to figure out a way to navigate
through the next few weeks without crying all the time. I want to deal
with this gracefully, but instead I have been reduced to a sad,
I know that after my leg heals I will be
facing additional surgeries for the cancer and pituitary tumors. The
thought of undergoing at least two more surgeries this summer paralyzes
me with fear and anxiety. I just want my life back!
The need to
heal, and adapt, will reemerge and I'm sure I'll struggle with the same
feelings and frustrations. I also know that the surgeries are
necessary, and that worrying about them is simply going to compound my
current emotional issues. I don't know how I'm going to handle
everything, but I hoping I figure out a way. In the meantime, I am
taking it day by day and, when Timmy is fussy, moment by moment. Right
now, that's really all I can do.