All I Can Do

Yesterday I woke up not feeling well. I didn't feel sick, instead I felt an underlying fatigue, toxicity and sadness. Although I know that each sensation could be easily explained, the knowledge did nothing to minimize the impact. Fighting the urge to hide in bed, I struggled to complete even the simplest tasks.

My limb is infected and, despite the fact that it is responding to the antibiotics, my body is having a difficult time dealing with the latest bad bug assault. It feels like I have been sick for the past six months, probably because that statement isn't too far from reality.  My doctor has switched the antibiotics and I'm trying to remain optimistic that I will finally lick the infections. I am to the point where I can barely remember what it feels like to be well, without a fever and pain!

I am also struggling with my own emotions, no doubt a result of everything which has transpired recently. In the midst of a crying fit I realized that, in the past two months I have had a premature (high need) baby, a severe uterine infection, a liver contusion, a re-amputation and my beloved Sophie Cat died. Add the diagnosis of cancer and the resurgence of the pituitary tumors and I suppose I have earned the right to breakdown and cry Uncle.

I suffered with post-partum depression after Robby was born. After Robby I felt void of emotions, as if I was an empty shell just going through the motions. I didn't realize the depths of the depression until it began to lift nearly a year later. I have been extremely worried that I would have the same reaction after giving birth to Timmy, but this feels different.

Right now I don't feel empty, just overwhelmed and sad. I want to be an active Mom, but at the moment I am limited by my body. I hate being limited and I find it utterly infuriating. Everything is harder right now, and I just want a break. I want to be healthy and happy so badly that the fact that I am healing and without my leg is making me feel useless, not empty.

Thankfully the pain is quickly fading and I am seeing the light at the end of the re-amputation tunnel. Within a few weeks I'll be able to get a new leg, and this will be a memory. I just need to figure out a way to navigate through the next few weeks without crying all the time. I want to deal with this gracefully, but instead I have been reduced to a sad, blubbering mess. 

I know that after my leg heals I will be facing additional surgeries for the cancer and pituitary tumors. The thought of undergoing at least two more surgeries this summer paralyzes me with fear and anxiety. I just want my life back! 

The need to heal, and adapt, will reemerge and I'm sure I'll struggle with the same feelings and frustrations. I also know that the surgeries are necessary, and that worrying about them is simply going to compound my current emotional issues. I don't know how I'm going to handle everything, but I hoping I figure out a way. In the meantime, I am taking it day by day and, when Timmy is fussy, moment by moment. Right now, that's really all I can do.