It is official. I am in a funk. I would like to contribute my emotional duldrum to the "post-vacation" blues. It could be my hormones. I suspect it is deeper than these simple explanations.
I feel like I am at a crossroads. Unfortunately, I am lost without a map and I don't know the names of the roads. Lately I've been feeling like I'm just existing, searching for something more.
I feel alone, although I know that I am not. I know that everybody faces these feelings at some point. The unfortunate reality is that we tend to keep these "negative emotions" in check and rarely share them with others. Concealing these feelings from others merely perpetuates the feeling of isolation. Intellectually, I know that this is true. Emotionally, it is still difficult.
I adore Robby and being his Mommy. I really can't imagine putting him in daycare full time and missing out on watching him grow and learn. I am not saying that being his Mommy is unfullfilling. I am afraid to publically admit this, but I feel incomplete.
Being a Mommy, I feel as if my talents are limited to changing dirty pants, wiping noses and doing the laundry. I know that being a loving parent is the best thing I can do for Robby. It isn't exactly cerebrally challenging. I feel as if I should be accomplishing more with my life.
I have always been a goal oriented individual. I graduated Summa Cum Laude from both my undergraduate and graduate programs. I knew when I was in the third grade that I wanted to teach blind people, and I never waivered from this plan.
After graduation, I immediately began my "dream job." My foot injury, the subsequent surgeries and the ultimately the amputation forced me to reshape my dreams and my goals. I was never lacking a target, until now.
My dreams are easy to define. In addition to raising Robby, I want to help other amputees deal with their adaptations and challenges. I would love to write a book someday, sharing my story and the struggles I faced both before and after my amputation. I want to help amputee parents by sharing my experiences.
I not only doubt that I have the ability to write a book, but I doubtful that others would be interested enough to read my book. After all, I haven't exactly done anything extraordinary with my life. I am really no different than a myriad of amputees who try to move forward with their lives to the best of their ability.
I suppose I feel lost because, for the first time in my life, I don't have a path between my dream and my goal. I have never dared to dream something so far beyond my realistic reach. Perhaps I am searching for a deeper purpose beyond "bad luck" for my amputation.
Like all emotional lows, I know that this too will pass. It is difficult to be too blue when taking care of the best little toddler in the world. I am more than a Mommy and a Wife. I need to change the parameters I use to define myself. In the meantime, I will continue searching.
- I am a below knee amputee. More importantly, I am also Mommy to two boys, a very active 10 year old (Robby) and an mischievous toddler (Timmy). I have learned that being a parent with a disability can create some unusual and sometimes humorous situations. This blogger is available for hire! Let's talk and learn how a blog can expand your business.