I was downstairs on the bicycle, sweating and hurting during my daily ride. My leg was throbbing, primarily because of the sore on my stump. But there I found myself, still riding, still pushing myself. I had an epiphany.
I should not have been riding. I should have been, if not relaxing, at least taking some pressure off of my stump so that it could heal. I know better! Why then, was I suffering on the bicycle?
After I finished my ride (because I won't stop in the middle of a workout), I took some time to reflect. I started my weight loss journey for a multitude of reasons. Most importantly, I wanted to be healthy--healthy for me and healthy for my family. My vanity also played a role because I wanted to be attractive again. I wanted to be desired. Quite simply, I wanted to be a MILF (google it if you don't know what it means).
I dedicated myself to working out and eating healthy. To say that I made a lifestyle change would be an understatement. Scott is probably the only person who truly understands the pain and sacrifices I have made in my battle against the scale. To date, I have lost over 100 pounds.
Lately, I have found my focus shifting from my weight to my limp. I have become sensitive about my walking style. I purchased a treadmill, and I have attacked my gait irregularities with the same venom that I used to battle the bulge.
Why is it that I simply cannot be happy with who I am? I am always trying to improve myself, to make another aspect of myself "perfect." After all, I know that perfection is an unattainable goal.
I have an amputation and I walk on a prosthetic. My gait, although slightly off form, is functional and does not contribute to any pain or discomfort. My quest for the complete elimination of my limp is purely vanity driven. I want to be perceived as 100% normal.
Maybe, instead of striving for perfection, I need to accept that my gimpy limp is just part me. It isn't a bad thing, merely a descriptor. I think I need to cut myself a break.
I need to halt my epic quest for perfection. If I eliminate my limp, I am sure that I will simply move on to another "imperfection." I need to work on accepting myself, imperfections and limp included. Why must I always try to change and improve?
I am hoping that I am not the only person to find themselves in this struggle. I feel both empowered and isolated by my epiphany. I think I am taking a first step, but I am unsure of the path to follow.
I am going to be less critical of myself. I would say that I won't be critical at all, but that would be a tall order, and I'm not sure it would be attainable right now. I need to stop putting myself down in casual conversation and through jokes. I will continue to watch my weight and to monitor my limp. I am going to try to relieve some of the pressure I put on myself and just enjoy who I am and where I am at this moment in time.