Most days, I feel like I am a well-adjusted amputee. Most days, I don't lament the loss of my foot. Most days, I'm happy with my life just the way it is and I don't wish I could reverse time. This is not one of those days.
I hesitate to admit this, but I miss my foot today. I know the reason I'm feeling the loss, but knowing the cause has not lessened the intensity. Thirteen years ago this morning my foot was crushed, setting my life on a different course which ultimately included the amputation of my limb.
I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was 23 years old, fresh out of graduate school and excitedly looking forward to participating in my first professional conference. Getting dressed that morning, I was completely unaware that I would be putting my left shoe on my foot for the very last time.
My foot was crushed by a computer monitor that was improperly secured on a cart. In a moment my life changed. At first we thought that I suffered only a few broken bones. Within months it became clear that the injury was more substantive.
I wish I didn't feel this way today, but I would be dishonest if I claimed I was not sad. My 20's were spent recovering from surgeries and living in constant pain. I resent that I was not able to live the carefree lifestyle of my friends!
I realize that I have a life abundant with blessings. I typically don't dwell on the past, accepting what has happened and trying to make the best life possible as I move forward. Sometimes, that is more difficult than at other times.
Today, I am going to let myself feel sad and angry as I mourn what was lost 13 years ago. I am sure I will curse my prosthetic and my life as an amputee. This was certainly not part of my life path when I was a wide-eyed optimistic newbie from college.
Sometimes, I have learned, it is okay to cry (even after all these years). In fact, I think that it is important to allow myself to feel my emotions- as long as I don't visit those dark places for too long. Saturday morning I will wake up, put on my leg, and be happy with all that is wonderful in my life. But today, I think I'll grab another cup of coffee, crawl into bed and hide- at least until Robby wakes up.
About Me
- Peggy
- I am a below knee amputee. More importantly, I am also Mommy to two boys, a very active 10 year old (Robby) and an mischievous toddler (Timmy). I have learned that being a parent with a disability can create some unusual and sometimes humorous situations. This blogger is available for hire! Let's talk and learn how a blog can expand your business.
Oh, Peggy, you are so wise to feel those sad feelings, they will make some room in your heart for the joy!
ReplyDeletePeggy,
ReplyDeleteI know this probably doesn't help much because you don't know me from Adam but I think you are an amazing lady. You are so strong and courageous. You are an inspiration to all that know you. When I found out about your blog I started reading a few new postings here and there, got a chuckle at your way of describing the things that happen in your day to day life.... then I went back. I didn't know much about you but I found myself laughing when you were laughing, angry when you were angry and sad when you were sad. We went to high school together but never crossed paths for some reason and I regret that. I read your blog from beginning to end and I check it out several times a week just to catch up and see what else you having gotten yourself into and I really enjoy getting to know you thru your blog. We all go thru some bad stuff in our lives but its what we do with it that makes us who we are and you have done an amazing thing with your life. There are days that I let myself cry too for the things I have lost (my marriage) but then I pick myself up and realize that its okay and I will be okay and so will you because we are strong women. I hope that someday we will meet and maybe become friends. Thank you for writing this blog. I enjoy it very much. Unhappy Anniversary. :( Bake some cookies or a cake or brownies or something.... I know that doesn't solve the issues at hand but it always puts a little smile on my face.
Peggy, Embrace your tears and grief today, it is so important in the long run.
ReplyDeleteNot that is matters, but one of my pet peeves is when people suffer a horrendous loss then go about life as if everything is unicorns and rainbows. To me, that is not acceptance.
I feel a true inspriation from you with your honesty on both the good and the bad.
Cry your eyes out, scream and mourn if you need to...then get out the ice packs to reduce the swelling in your eyes and prepare to face another day. Hugs to you.
I want to thank everybody for their kind comments and support on Friday. It was a rough day, but I'm doing much better now.
ReplyDeleteKathy, would love to get together sometime... maybe when I come to Ohio, or if you ever make it back to PA.
:)