I used to wake up every morning and instinctively curse both my amputation and my reliance on a prosthetic. As time went on and I learned to adjust, my lamenting slowly went away. Most days I don't even think about my amputation because it has become such an engrained part of my life.
That being said, there are times when I simply hate being an amputee. Yesterday morning I woke up happy and refreshed after my successful trip to San Antonio. I went to bed with a tear stained face, frustrated with the obstacles that arise for many amputees. Sometimes, being an amputee who is reliant upon a prosthetic simply stinks!
I have been having trouble with the skin flap over my residual limb for almost a year. To my chagrin, I was prepared to have surgery this past summer to correct the issue. I was delighted when a new socket and liner seemed to fix the issue, at least buying me more time before the inevitable revision surgery.
Yesterday I learned that not only do I need to have the revision surgery on my limb, but also I have to have 1/2 to 1 inch of bone amputated as well. Re-amputation. I felt like I was being kicked in the chest when I heard the news.
I wanted to scream and cry simultaneously. Why me? I've already lost my foot and ankle. Why now do I have to undergo another extremely painful surgery? I'm a good person. It simply isn't fair. What makes it worse is that I'm angry but I'm not sure who to direct these feelings towards. I can't be mad at any person in particular, just the situation in general. It would be easier if I could blame somebody!
During the next few weeks I'll learn the specifics about the procedure. Right now, I simply don't want to think about it. I wish that being an amputee was easier or that life was somehow fair. I know that I will eventually come to terms with the situation and that I will be okay. But for this moment, I really hate being an amputee!