I despise leaving things undone. Whether it be a project or a friendship, when I commit I try to stick with it through completion. I hate when I am forced to step away from a project before it is finished, and I often feel haunted by friendships that have ended without closure.
Closure, I am told, is a good thing. Both Dr. Phil and Oprah have dedicated countless hours of not-so-riveting TV to this issue. Both celebrity "experts" touted the healing benefits that come from making amends with those who have caused you pain in the past.
A few weeks ago I was presented with an opportunity to achieve "closure." In a diluted moment of strength, I extended an olive branch, by means of an invitation to lunch, to somebody who at one time meant a great deal to me. Our friendship ended abruptly and left me fragmented with pain and unanswered questions. Channeling my inner Oprah, I decided it was time to conquer the past.
I should have known better than to take sage advice from a talk show host! Our meeting, although pleasant, failed to provide the eureka closure moment I was seeking. Instead, I left feeling deflated and saddened by the confirmation that somebody who was once a friend has become a stranger. Oprah never mentioned this on her show.
Confrontation does not come easily for me, so I am giving myself credit for providing a voice to the pain that I experienced. I wish I had said more, but I was able to relay that I felt alone, lost, and discarded during a time I desperately needed support and love. Last night I felt disengaged and in a funk as I reflected on those memories.
I don't know if true closure was achieved during yesterday's lunch. I do know that I am beginning to feel a sense of relief that came from my acknowledging my pain. The nagging thought of "I hope (fill in the blank) isn't here because I don't know what to say to him" will no longer be in the back of my mind when we travel to his neck of the woods. I didn't achieve resolution nor did I feel the all-encompassing peaceful embrace I had hoped for, but I did find some comfort in seeing my lost friend and bringing the issues to light. For now, that's enough.