Yesterday morning Robby and I were bustling with excitement. The pool water was delivered ahead of schedule, and we were swimming before noon. We played for hours, basking in our new summer oasis. We were both exhausted and purely happy by the time we climbed out of the water in the afternoon.
drove into our driveway and, instead of seeing our beautiful new pool, I
saw nothing but aquatic destruction. A floor board came loose and broke
through the bottom of the pool. The 3700 gallons of water that was
delivered mere hours earlier had gushed down the hill towards the
stream. All of the hard work, all of my visions of us spending the
summer poolside were squelched.
I went for a walk down
the hill under the guise of inspecting the damage, and I screamed
before breaking down into a puddle of tears. I fully admit that my
reaction was extreme, but I felt angry, sad, and for some inexplicable
reason, lost. Between my inconsolable sobs it occurred to me that my
reaction was probably more a result of my AmpuVersary being today.
However, knowing the root cause did nothing to lessen the intensity of
For some reason my AmpuVersary is hitting
me hard this year. During the past few years I have flirted with sadness
on the anniversary, but I haven't experienced the raw emotion that I am
feeling today. I am feeling what I can only describe as a
strangulating sense of loss.
It's hard to fathom that 9
years ago I entered the hospital with two feet knowing that I would be leaving with
only one. I clearly remember looking down at my toes on
my left foot, trying to memorize every detail. On the operating table I
remember deliberately wiggling my toes as I was falling asleep, hoping I
would always remember what they felt like. I knew that when I woke up
my life would be different, and although it was the best medical option,
I was nearly paralyzed by fear.
My amputation has set my
life on a different path and has brought some truly remarkable people
into my life. I have pushed myself to live my best life despite using a
prosthesis. I don't live my life on the sidelines, and I am actively
engaged with my family and community. Every obstacle, every battle, and
every setback that I have overcome has done nothing but empower me to
push forward and be a better person.
I love my life! That being said, today I am profoundly sad. I
miss my foot, but not in the physical sense. I miss the simplicity of my
life when I didn't use a prosthetic. I miss being able just to get up
in the morning and walk, to hop into the stream without
changing legs, and not having to deal with copious amounts of sweat that
pool up in the bottom of my socket when it's hot.
I'm tired of being stared at and receiving second glances and hearing
not so subtle whispers about my prosthesis when I walk through the
grocery store aisles. I want people to look at my eyes instead of my
socket. I guess I am simply tired of always being different!
the pool destruction and my AmpuVersary, my mood is tender. I suspect
that I will shed a lot of tears as I reflect and think about my journey.
I am taking Robby to see Brave today, partly because he wants to see
the movie but primarily because I want to hide. I don't want to interact
with people and talk. I just want to retreat. I know that tomorrow I
will be okay and that this mood will lift. In the meantime, I am just
going to try to survive today.