The "F" Word

The past few days have been a struggle. I've been lethargic, feeling ugly, and in a downright funk. I've also been on the verge of tears and overly emotional. In all fairness to my seemingly fragile psyche, I suspect that many of my emotions are due to the Prednisone that I am currently taking to treat the hornet sting reaction from last week. Whether or not my mood is steroid enhanced, I have been the equivalent of an emotional basket case!

Back to School commercials have merely exacerbated my anxieties. Remembering the angst ridden days before Robby started the dreaded "K" word last year, my friends have been asking about my adjustment to First Grade. The answer is simple: not well!

I can't seem to fathom the fact that my little baby is now a first grader. He is changing and, although I love the person that he is becoming, I miss my little boy. He is going to be in school all day, and I am concerned that I haven't done enough during the past six years to prepare him. I worry that I've failed him.

While I'll miss him during the day, in my heart I know that he will adjust to the new schedule. We will both sync into a routine and create a new "normal." Knowing that we will adjust hasn't stopped me from fretting in the middle of the night. Will he make friends? Will he be picked on? Will he succeed? Will he be happy? Have I prepared him enough to take on school? These questions haunt me and keep me from sleeping. I guess it's apparent that I am worrying about everything right now!

Robby is such a sensitive child, and seeing him hurt and disappointed is heartbreaking to witness. I know that all of these experiences are a natural part of growing up, but as a Mom I want to hide and protect him.

I'm trying to talk about school with as much enthusiasm as possible because I want Robby to be excited about this new adventure. He doesn't need to know that I feel like I'm losing my little boy when I send him off to school for the first day. Pathetic and trite as it may sound, I smile during the day and shed my tears quietly at night.

Soon I will be off the Prednisone and hopefully my pharmaceutical intensified emotions will calm. In the meantime, I am going to ignore the Back to School ads and the fact that we are entering the last few weeks of summer. Although probably not the healthiest approach, I've found avoidance and denial to be an acceptable coping method!