Invisible

I am so glad that this weekend is over and I am looking forward to trying to get back to a semblance of a schedule. I'm really hoping that returning to some version of normalcy, or as close as I can come to achieving such a thing, will help to lift me out of the funk which plagued me over the past few days.

I felt so overwhelmed and sad this weekend that  I spent more time wiping tears from my eyes than doing anything productive. No matter what I did, from trying to write to taking Robby to a movie, I couldn't shake the sense that everything was spiraling out of control. I wanted to just pack up and run away. Then I became even depressed when I realized that I had no where I could go! 

I realize that much of this emotional turmoil can be attributed to the various hormone surges occurring throughout my body. Between the pregnancy and pituitary clusters, I am ripe for a hormonal catastrophe. Of course, knowing the culprit doesn't ease the feelings which I was experiencing, but it did help to keep me somewhat centered during my emotional breakdown.

Between family issues, work responsibilities, and my health and hormonal issues, I finally succumbed to the stress and anxiety. It is not easy for me to show weakness, but sometimes allowing the time to grieve, wallow or feel the emotions is the only cure. I guess I just didn't expect the release to be so profound or for it to remain so long. 

When I sense weakness encroaching, I typically respond by withdrawing. I justify this reaction by reminding myself that nobody likes to be around somebody who is crying constantly and feeling blue. Rather than subject my friends to my dark emotions, I would rather be by myself.  Unfortunately, being solitary does not help the feelings of isolation that comes from thinking that nobody is really invested. Simply put, I threw myself into a tornado of self-doubt, anxiety and isolation which proceeded to spin out of control over the past 48 hours. 

Today Scott and Robby will go to work, and I will have a chance to return to the sanctuary of my schedule. I have work projects to finish and a doctors appointment scheduled. I'm confident that my thyroid medication will be adjusted (again) but optimistic that this will help ease some of my emotional issues.  I'm going to be busy, but in this situation it is probably a good thing. I've wallowed enough, and I know that I need to snap out of it. I've purged all the negative this weekend, so it is time to start focusing on the positives!