Stubborn

I suspect that most and my friends and family would agree that I am stubborn. Sometimes this trait is an asset because I will push myself to achieve a goal to prove the naysayers wrong. Being stubborn has helped me adjust to using a prosthesis, deal with cancer, cultivate a new career which I adore, and regain an active lifestyle. I owe much of my success to being stubborn.

Unfortunately, stubbornness does have drawbacks. The most glaring at the moment is my reluctance to ask for help. I feel compelled to be completely independent  even when it is abundantly clear that I need assistance. Timmy's exhausting feeding regiment has completely worn me down. I am now operating in a perpetual daze which is making even the most mundane household tasks difficult. In addition to Timmy's needs, I am still contending with a uterine infection and liver injury. Neither condition seems to be healing (at least not at a pace I would appreciate) and the pain and fever are only exacerbating the issues. Despite these mounting obstacles, I have a hard time asking for and accepting help.

Yesterday I finally broke down and accepted my neighbor Sue's offer to watch Timmy so that I could take a nap. I felt a little awkward at first; it is a strange feeling lying down when you know that somebody is in your living room. Sue's husband has recently been diagnosed with ALS, and I felt guilty taking her up on her offer when she has so many pressing needs at home.  However, fatigue quickly consumed me, and before I knew it, I had slept for over an hour. When I finally emerged from my bedroom, my neighbor was still sitting on the couch holding Timmy. She had a beaming smile and seemed comfortable and relaxed helping me out. I realized that maybe helping me was an escape from her own daily stresses. (Holding a baby can be healing, especially when you can give them back after a few hours!) By allowing her to help me, she was also receiving something that she needed.

At my doctor's urging, Scott took off work today so that I could spend the day resting. My Mom is coming down this evening to take the night shift with Timmy. I feel guilty asking her to drive and give up sleep, but if the situation were reversed, I know that I would be frustrated if she didn't let me help.  

Although asking for and accepting help is probably going to continue to be difficult, I am actively working to overcome my "Superwomen" stubbornness. In this situation, the only way I am going to heal is if I figure out a way to take better care of myself. I am going to need to rely on my friends and family to help me through this situation. Instead of feeling weak because I need help, I am going to remind myself that I am incredibly blessed that I have so many people willing to lend a hand to help us out!