Fun!

 Yesterday was busy but fun. After school was over for the day we grabbed the Halloween costume (and Timmy) and headed to Shepherd University. Robby, who is not thrilled with the dining hall offerings this year, was more than willing to join us for a family dinner out before the trick-or-treat event. It was really nice just hanging out and enjoying a slower paced meal together. Life has been so hectic since I started working, I have learned to relish these family moments.

After a delicious dinner (that I didn't have to cook) we took the boys back to campus for the event. Robby both delighted and surprised Timmy by donning his own food themed costume. (I must admit that the sight made me smile as well.) While the boys went to the Halloween party, Scott and I hung out on campus. 

Night routines were rushed because of the late outing, but that is par for the course for Halloween week. After all, it isn't everyday you are invited to your big brother's college campus!

 

 

Shep or Treat

 I have a brand new pair of Nike sneakers and OMG- the difference in my leg pain is overwhelming. Within a minute of donning the new sneakers the pain radiating up through my leg and into my hip started to dissipate. While I'm still sore from overusing muscles, the constant strain and pain is gone. 

Last night I realized that I am at an age where I cannot purchase shoes simply by their appearance. My need for a structured insole and support will not be swayed by fashion. I only have one biological foot remaining and I really do need to take better care of it. I'm thinking I need to explore socks with arch support next.

The socks will have to wait though because tonight's event has been on our calendar for weeks. Robby has invited Timmy to campus to participate in "Shep or Treat" with him. (Last year we didn't know what it was so Robby did not register in time.) Hamlet has hardly been able to contain his excitement. He is ecstatic to spend the evening with his big brother at his college. The fact that they will be trick-or-treating and getting candy makes it even better! 

Pics to follow! 

shoes

 The pain I feel through both of my legs has become increasingly problematic. Initially I just experienced the discomfort at night after a long day of walking. Now I wake up hurting and the pain only intensifies throughout the day. The pain is omnipresent and is becoming exhausting.

I don't believe that the pain is radiating from my prosthetic side. I have no socket discomfort (knock on everything lucky) and the skin is intact. I feel comfortable in my socket and I don't have any indication that the fit is wonky. Instead, I suspect that the pain is originating through my biological foot.

Trying to look at every variable, I have honed in on my shoes. My current shoes are cute and bright pink. Because I was working from home, those were the only two requirements I considered. Now that I am walking nearly 20k steps a day and climbing 10+ flights of stairs with students, my shoe needs have changed.

I wanted to buy a new pair of shoes after work yesterday but a flat tire stymied my plans. Instead I opted to remove an insole from an old shoe to create my own arch support. The pain did not go away but it definitely lessened. 

On tap for today- acquire a pair of working in the community shoes. I think my body will thank me. 

Email

I've often said that life can change so quickly. A phone call or an unsolicited email can push your life path in an entirely unexpected direction. Earlier this week, we had this experience again.

 So in the weirdest and most unpredictable turn of events, it seems that Scott will be leaving his current position to assume one for which he is incredibly qualified. He applied, interviewed and was denied this position two times already. The final denial was the last straw and the impetus for us to start evaluating other alternatives because getting roughed up on a daily basis was not sustainable for our family.

We spent the morning filling out applications online before Scott headed into work. As I was getting dressed I received a text message from him with a screen shot. Apparently the individual who had been selected for the coveted position is unable to accept it, and they wanted to know if Scott was interested.

I had to redo my make up because the news made me cry.

The thought of Scott in this position, interacting and impacting a wider population of students is amazing. He is going to rock this new role, and I couldn't be happier for him. Selfishly, I am also elated because I am counting on this new professional endeavor to lift the Eeyore mentality that has taken over my husband. 

 

Mom Unfiltered

I had intended to attend the No Kings protest on Saturday with my Mom, but a last minute decision changed my destination. My dear friend's dad has entered hospice and I really wanted to visit both my friend and her dad. Instead of going to the protest, I drove to Allentown to spend the day quietly visiting. (I did wear a protest shirt which garnered some attention, so I feel like my views were still communicated.)

After visiting in the hospital I drove to my Mom's house for the night. The visit was too short but enjoyable. I wish I could have stayed longer, but the whole 'job' thing certainly gets in the way. LOL 

Of course, just because I didn't protest does not mean that my mom did not. Undeterred, she grabbed her walker and went into Harrisburg to lend her voice to the collective. My sister sent my a photo of her at the protest. I could tell by the smile on her face that she was having an amazing time. But the words on her sign made me laugh aloud.  She is certainly embracing the 'unfiltered' stage of life.

 

 

One Month

 Today marks one month since I returned to my original career on a full-time basis. While my heart is lighter and I love my job, my body is hurting.  From the waist down, I feel like I've been beaten with bats. I anticipated my residual limb hurting, but I did not expect my bio leg, hips and back to be screaming as well. 

Yesterday was especially painful. I woke up this morning and my body hurts so much I want to cry. I keep thinking that maybe a massage would help, but my last experience was so unsavory I'm scared to go back. (There was a huge miscommunication where the masseuse thought he was securing an extra tip and I now know what it means if asked 'do you want to end with a smile.' ) At this point though, my muscles are so sore I might just give it another go.

I'm glad that I start later in the morning because of my modified schedule. I originally wanted the time to help settle Timmy before school. It turns out I need it so that the ibuprofen has time to work so that my body can start moving again. 

Tomorrow is the NO KINGS protest. Pain or no pain, I will be there.  Between proposed tariffs on medical equipment (prosthetics), the gutting of IDEA (special ed) and ICE, I cannot and will not be silent. I'm so proud that we will be attending as a family.  

  

Reports

Yesterday was another wonky day because Robby came home for fall break! It feels like we just took him back to his dorm (spoiler alert- we did) and now he is home again. As much as I hate to admit it, his school is definitely designed for commuters. While he loves it and is thoroughly enjoying dorm life, everybody packs up and heads home on Friday afternoon. Even the cafeteria closes down shop and only serves a single meal over the weekend.  It's odd because I'm always delighted when he is home but I also feel sad that he isn't having the same carefree weekend college experience that I enjoyed. 

Alas, times are different and so are modern students. 

While Scott was picking up Robby for the beginning of his extended break, I logged into Timmy's parent-teacher conference. I am so incredibly proud of the progress that he has made over the past few years. His teachers were full of praise and describe him as a hard working student who naturally notices and helps others. To celebrate, we went out for Hibachi!

 

Stalking?

 a quick update, because I recognize I am being cyber stalked and my reaction is sought.  

 Pardon my vagueness, but in our family we know our worth. It's a shame that you do not.  My reaction? 

You will certainly read it soon enough. 

History

 Yesterday was an odd one at work because only one of my students showed up to school. I attribute the widespread absences to the Federal holiday. I'm not sure if parents did not look at the school calendar and made an assumption or if they decided to collectively overrule the school system and enjoy the holiday with their children. In reality, it is probably a combination of reasons that resulted in the majority of my caseload staying home. 

I grew up celebrating Christopher Columbus as a true hero without faults. I'm glad that my children know better. When I was growing up, historical figures were presented in lights of perfection. It is almost as if our teachers didn't feel we could handle the complicated value conflicts that emerge when one studies history. I've learned that we honor history by recognizing all aspects, both favorable and those that produce discomfort.  It wasn't until I was an adult that I learned that Columbus was a sadistic colonizing rapist and George Washington's teeth were actually extracted from slaves. 

History is ugly and complicated.  Not honoring Columbus and instead choosing to honor Indigenous Peoples' Day is our attempt to recognize the vast contributions from this underappreciated group of individuals.

Soul

 Another weekend has come and gone.  My goodness, between errands and obligations, the time certainly seems to slip by quickly. I'm adjusting to the 'work away from home' schedule, although I continue to hate having to wear real pants and a bra. Alas, you cannot have everything so sacrifices must be made. 

Last week Robby finished tackled his midterms. He was academically exhausted when Scott picked him up for the long weekend. The best part of successfully finishing midterms is being rewarded with a semester break and my Koopa is happily snoozing upstairs.

As luck would have it, Timmy is also home today for his fall break. He is ecstatic to have some time alone with Robby. (I don't think the hero status that Timmy has bestowed upon Robby will ever wane.) While Scott and I are at work, the boys will be playing video games and eating junk food at home.  

Although we were busy over the weekend, I did do a lot of walking. My legs were grateful for the break as I could barely walk by Friday night. This new job is touch on my body (but good for my soul). 

Pain

 After two fun-packed fire pit parties, last night we had to settle for the glow of a candle inside. Rain finally blew through the area, bringing wild winds and lightening. Unlike earlier storms, we did not sustain any damage this time. I'm hoping that I again will be able to enjoy a rain storm without fear of falling trees, but I suspect it is going to take awhile to get there. At least until the large stumps are removed from my side yard.

I'm waking up this morning in a lot of pain. Between the job and the weather, my legs are hurting. Hopefully the pain works out as I start moving through the day because right now I'm stumbling around like a confused hobbit. 

Sometimes I hate being an amputee.  Today is one of those days.   

Fire Pit

 Another weekend has come to a close. My goodness, weekends certainly take on a different feel when one has to return to an in-person job on Monday. After two decades of the freedom to work from the couch of my choice, being tethered to a locale is an odd adjustment.  

Saturday morning I woke early and went to visit my Mom and sister for the day. We went out for lunch, worked around the house and watched the Penn State game. To be specific, my sister watched the game while I was wildly entertained by watching her play by play reactions. She has definitely inherited my Dad's enthusiasm for Penn State football. 

I had to leave earlier than I would have preferred because I wanted to see Robby before he went back to school. I also needed time to do laundry and to get myself ready for the week ahead. I knew that the boys would be happy when I came home, but not because they were excited to see me. As soon as they saw the box in the car, I was going to become irrelevant. 

My Mom surprised us with an amazing new portable fire pit. All summer the boys have been inquiring about a fire pit. With the temperatures cooling, I started to miss it too. I didn't realize how much time the boys and I spent sitting a fire pit in the evenings. They were as excited as I anticipated when they saw the box. Within minutes the fire was crackling and their smiles were shining.

 Thanks Mom!

 

Icy Hot

 It's been a heck of a week.  I'm so glad it is Friday. 

Last night I broke another 'old lady' benchmark when I sent Scott out to get Icy Hot for my knee.  At this point, my prosthetic is definitely holding up better than my biological side. I'm hopeful that the aches and pains will subside as my body gains strength through repetition. It's been a long time since I've logged 18,000 steps per day on a regular basis. Hopefully this weekend will help to reset my body because I'm exhausted and now I smell like my Nan because of the menthol rub.

Have a good weekend! 

Feedback

 In the past two days both Robby and Timmy have received unsolicited compliments from their teachers. Both boys were beaming with pride as they relayed the sentiments to us. I loved seeing the pride on their faces as they excitedly showed shared their stories with Scott and I. I'm glad that they value academic feedback so highly! Being back in the schools has provided me with an updated appreciation for the respect for education that my boys hold. I cannot imagine battling each day to simply go to school. 

Timmy absolutely adores his new school. Although the teachers and many of the students remained the same, the format and many of the programs have been adjusted for new platforms. I haven't seen him this enthusiastic about school and learning. He happily logs in each morning, excited to see his friends and continue the projects from the previous day.  It is hard to remember that this is the same kid who, just a few years ago, had me hiding in bathroom so that I could privately cry while stuffing my face with the contraband DoubleStuff Oreos.  

So far, everybody seems to be adjusting well to my new job.  Now if I could only figure out how to not be so exhausted at the end of each day... 

Walking Woman

 Work is going well. Yesterday I logged nearly 19,000 steps with my students. Although I was definitely tired by the end of the day, I also felt incredibly grateful that my leg is strong enough to keep me moving. I do not take the absence of sores and blisters for granted! Yesterday I impressed myself by going up and down now fewer than 10 flights of stairs with my students. 

Impressive feat for any 51 year old. As an amputee, I'm very proud of this accomplishment. Of course, I had to celebrate privately because my amputation is not visible at work. I really want the kids and my coworkers to get to know me and my abilities before they see 'what is missing.' Eventually I'll wear shorter pants or a skirt, but right now I'm sticking with pants. I know far too well how my prosthesis becomes my defining feature when people don't get to know me first.  

Although I'm busy, I find myself enjoying the drives between schools. It offers an opportunity to jam out to some music and unwind. Because I cover a total of 13 schools, I am driving across the county on a regular basis. I've discovered the cutest little shops and businesses along the routes. I can't wait to actually stop in sometime, but right now I'm far too busy playing catch up. Because I was hired 6 weeks into the school year, I'm pressed trying to provide all of the students with their promised time. It is definitely a challenge, but thankfully I'm up to it!

RISE UP

 

For every amputee who has ever felt like a number. This is for you. 

 

The government just announced an investigation that could lead to massive tariffs on prosthetics.

 

Let me translate what that really means for us.  What happens when the leg you walk on suddenly costs your prosthetist more to acquire than insurance will ever pay them?

 

Clinics close. Innovation STOPS. And we get left behind, fighting for outdated tech or facing impossible bills. As if battling insurance wasn't already a full-time job. 

 

So where is the outrage from the big patient organizations? Silence. 

Here’s the hard truth I’ve learned after two decades: The system isn't broken; it was built to work exactly this way.They don't tell you your 'local' clinic is secretly owned by a giant manufacturer. Why? Because you're not supposed to know who's really profiting from your body.  And the advocacy groups that claim to represent us? Their silence is deafening, bought and paid for by the same manufacturers writing their donation checks. 

 

To them, we're not people; we're purchase orders and patient quotas. Because of the incestuous relationship created when the manufacturer owns the clinician, the needs of the patient become secondary. They don't see our fight.

 

I'm done asking for a seat at their table. It’s time we build our own. 

I am creating a new channel for patient-led advocacy. No corporate cash. No hidden agendas. Just our voices, our power, our fight. We will share the information they hide and organize to protect our access to care.

Want in? Message me and follow this blog. I'll make sure you're on the list when we launch.

It’s time to rise up because we need to protect and empower ourselves. 

 

If you have read this far, thank you. I have heard this new venture described as AmputeeMommy gone Menopausal. Fairly apt description if it means I'm done dealing with the establishments.

Exhausted

 It's been an exhausting week as we settle into an entirely new routine. I knew that I would be tired coming home from work, but I did not anticipate the body aches that accompany this type of job. Squatting, getting on the floor and constant stair walking are not my favorite physical activities, yet they are all required heavily in my new job.

My students are all unique, entertaining and challenging. With ages ranging from preschool to high school, I get to be with kiddos from all ages. Although I've only worked with them once or twice so far, I am looking forward to our adventures this year. I really think I can make an impact, which I remind myself each evening when I'm hobbling around in pain. 

Physically I can do this job and eventually I won't be as sore. But these first few days have leveled me. Each night I've been grateful for my deep soaking tub. It is amazing how my muscles relax when they are encased in hot water. 

Timmy has done an amazing job by himself during the afternoons. He has been preparing his own lunch and making sure that he returns to class on time. I think he is enjoying the newfound freedom and responsibility because he certainly does not seem to miss me. 

Wrap Up

 Yesterday was a bit of a whirlwind as I met new students, staff and coworkers. Despite feeling out of sorts because I was in new places surrounded by new people, I quickly fell back into my O&M shoes. Situations and people may change, but the students remain unchanged. Each kiddo will present unique challenges and I think we are going to have a great year together. 

I had a great day with the kids, but my leg was achy but the time I got home. I can't remember the last time I couldn't wait to pop off my prosthesis and sit on the couch for awhile. It wasn't pain but my limb was just sore and tired. Thankfully a long bath helped ease the aches away. This will also probably be part of my routine for the foreseeable future. 

While I was working, Timmy was logged into school and barely noticed my absence. Not only did he not miss me, but he is relishing the newfound responsibility and independence. It seems that we are all ready for this new phase in our family.  

Back To School

 I am up early this morning, readying to embark on a new professional adventure.  The past few weeks have been a whirlwind as this opportunity seemed to fall together perfectly. Although I wasn't looking to return to my roots, this morning I will begin working again as an Orientation and Mobility Instructor in the schools.

Two Mondays ago, after seeing Scott off for what was sure to be another miserable day, I settled onto the couch with my email and a fresh cup of coffee. I noticed an email with the subject "Orientation and Mobility" and hovered my finger over the delete button. The nod to my first professional love took over and I eventually opened what I was sure was spam.

It turns out the email was from a recruiter who had been contracted to locate an Orientation and Mobility instructor for a local area. I replied, confirming that I am indeed an Orientation and Mobility instructor and I would love to hear more about the job. I wasn't terribly hopeful because I knew that my requirement of not starting until after Timmy begins his school day would be a nonstarter for most, but I figured it was worth a conversation. 

I was gobsmacked when I learned that the employer was flexible with the hours, offering me a position that allows me to be home for Timmy in the morning and when he gets off of school. Honestly, the hours could not be more perfect!  I am so grateful because I recognize most employers would not accommodate a 3/4 employee. 

So, after a nearly 2 decade hiatus of working full time in the schools, this morning I am going back.

Yes, I am feeling overwhelmed, scared, excited and just about every other emotion imaginable. It has been a really long time since I've walked into a professional setting knowing nobody. I feel overwhelmed with a lonely anxiety as I am getting ready this morning, nervous about spending the day with complete strangers. I've been hiding behind the keyboard for so long I am concerned I've forgotten how to be with people in real life. 

Wish me luck and please send me good thoughts today and throughout the week as we all adjust to this new adventure. 

Field Trip

 In a shift from the norm, yesterday I pulled Timmy from classes and took him on an impromptu adventure. (Before everybody comes at me, it was mostly educationally based.) True to tradition, Timmy did not know our destinations but he was delighted when I invited him to skip school with me. After jumping with delight, he dressed in record time so we could begin our adventures.

 I took him to the Udvar Hazy Space Museum, one of his favorite locations outside of Washington DC. He was delighted to return 'home' and was eager to check out his favorite exhibits. Because we arrived when the museum was opening, there were no lines for the simulators. Usually that section of the museum is very busy and I typically avoid it. But yesterday was special and I decided to include an experience in our adventure.

I let Timmy choose which simulator we were going to experience. He chose the fighter jet, which was the most complicated. I wasn't particularly worried because I can handle the jerky movements of virtual reality rides as long as I close my eyes.  So sure Timmy, let's be fighter pilots.

Crawling into the cock pit of our simulator plane, I was surprised by all of the straps we needed to utilize. I even commented to the attendant that the straps were a really nice touch. He looked at me and mumbled "You will go upside down." I assured him I would be fine because I'll simply close my eyes.

Again he warned me about going upside down before closing the cockpit door and locking us in. Strange warning I thought. But as the simulation began to rev to life I had a haunting realization- did he mean our capsule was going to go upside down?

Within 30 seconds of take off I had our virtual plane nosediving towards the ocean while Timmy and I were flipped upside down in our little capsule. Hanging like bats upside down frantically trying to figure out the controls to right ourselves. We crashed into the ocean.

The game reset, we were transported back to our normal alignment and took off again. Quickly we found ourselves again hanging upside down and laughing hysterically. The suction on my prosthesis broke and I could feel the leg start to shift. I told Timmy who was howling with laughter so much that he ended up farting, essentially hot boxing us with his noxious gas. 

We are terrible pilots but it was a lot of fun! I don't remember the last time we both laughed so much. 

 

Good report

 Yesterday Scott had an appointment with his cardiologist and received an excellent report. I immediately felt a weight of anxiety lift when the doctor said we didn't need to return for six months. It has been a difficult summer as we struggled with the medication, recovery, rehabilitation and a completely new diet. After months of change, I think we are finally settling into a quasi-comfortable post-cardiac event routine. 

Settling into a new normal has allowed me to start to relax and breath. I have spent months on high alert and my body is wearing down. I think I need to invest a little more effort into my own self-care or I won't be much good for anybody. I suppose this is an issue for most (probably all) moms. We, collectively, need to do a better job extending the same grace and courtesy to ourselves that we do to everybody else.

Here's to self-care! 

Wii

 This weekend was rough.  The constant coverage of the shooting in Utah has triggered my grief and anxiety over my brother.  Like Kirk, my brother was shot in the neck. Only when Jae was killed by gun violence, nobody cared. 

The shooting put Jae in my mind, but a series of coincidences over the weekend kept him omnipresent. Robby has been challenging his skills by 'jail breaking' previous gaming systems.  The most recent project has been reworking our old Wii, which hasn't been used in decades. Excited to test out his new features, he called us all into his room. The wind was knocked out of me when I looked at the television screen and saw our avatars from long ago. My brother's avatar was walking around the screen, animated and full of life.

The drama towards the end of Jae's life has made retrieving happier memories difficult. Seeing his avatar I was flooded with memories of the times he played with Robby. When he was healthy, he was a really good uncle. I'm so grateful that his avatar remained to remind me of those times. 

Sigh. I miss him. 

Today Scott has a cardiologist appointment. I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being scared. His blood pressure has been a struggle as of late. I'm hoping it will be a simple medication switch, but I think I will always be scared.

 

Rockets

 In a year of chaos and uncertainty, I am grateful that both Robby and Timmy have settled into their new school routines. Robby seems to love all of his classes, including Biology, and thoroughly enjoys having a room to himself. Timmy is delighted to be back with his 'homies' and has fallen back into a comfortable classroom routine. The peels of laughter that radiate through the upstairs of our house when he is collaborating with his friends brightens my days. 

Unfortunately, Scott is not nearly as happy in his new school. I don't know how to help him because he is using his words sparingly. I know that this has been a huge transition and I'm trying to be patient. Sigh. It's not easy always walking on eggshells. 

This weekend was spent building rockets with Timmy and riding bikes around the neighborhood. I wish I had a more exciting life to share!  Fingers crossed that we all have a good week.

 

Friday

 The second week of school is coming to a close. So far, Robby and Timmy are happy with their placements. Scott continues to be miserable but I am hoping that is starting to change. Slowly he is starting to reference coworkers and share stories about his day. I continue to hope that he will find a different placement within the school. He would be much happier if he were both physically safe and utilizing his 30+ years experience. At the moment, neither of those conditions has been met.

This weekend's Space Fair has been circled on our calendar for about 4 months. Timmy has been eagerly counting down and is beyond excited that the time has finally arrived. Fingers crossed that the weather holds out to allow for clear viewing through the telescopes. My little star gazer is very excited to peak at the planets. We don't have a lot of luck with clear weather and space themed activities but I am optimistic that we are due for some good luck. 

Have a great weekend! 

Gutted

 I've been trying to remain optimistic, but it is a struggle. It feels like we get the rug pulled out from us every time we dare to hope. Although I still love the house, it feels like West Virginia is where happiness goes to die. Despite all of his qualifications, Scott did not receive the coveted position and he is gutted. 

We were really hoping that this position would materialize so Scott could transfer from his current role. With this option being taken off the table, we have both been trying to sort through different scenarios. The one thing we know for certain is that we cannot continue in the current situation. Scott will end up getting physically hurt. I'm optimistic about the results of my interview but I'm almost too nervous to hope at this point.  

 Adulting is hard!

Progress? Maybe!

 Things are moving along in our little family.  On Friday Scott graduated from cardiac rehabilitation, marking the end of his 'recovery' period. Now we are in maintenance and monitoring, which feels like such progress. I am so happy to not have to go to the cardiac care center three times a week. Although I wasn't working out like Scott, I dreaded going because it was a concrete reminder of our vulnerability. It will be nice to ease into our healthier lifestyle.

Robby came home for the holiday weekend. Although he has only been away for a few days, I have missed him and it was nice to see his face. It turns out that he is incredibly lucky because the roommate he was assigned never materialized. My kiddo has a double dorm room to himself! We spent the weekend gathering supplies so that he could transform the spare bed into a lounge area. (This is precisely what I would have done in the same situation.)

This morning Scott woke early and logged into an interview before heading to work. He is being considered for a position that would, in my opinion, be perfect for his skill set. Please send good thoughts. He has been utterly miserable in his current role. 

 

Happy News

 After a summer of schlepping to and from the hospital, today is Scott's final cardio rehab session. He has been giving the therapy his all and the results are showing his efforts. He has dropped both weight and cholesterol levels and gained strength and endurance. He plans on continuing his fitness routine at a local gym that is much closer to our house (and not affiliated with a hospital.)  While I know that we will continue to live with cardiac issues and the omnipresent threat of another event, graduating from cardiac rehab is a huge step in his recovery.  

In more good news (which has been in short supply), Scott finally received the much anticipated call for an interview for the new position. He will interview Tuesday morning at 7:30. I am hoping that he is selected for the role. Not only will the students benefit from his experience, but he will be so much happier. Have I mentioned the depths of his misery in his current role?

 

Happy and Sad

 Timmy had an amazing first day of school. For the first time in his educational career, neither of us shed tears on the first day of school. Talk about an accomplishment! After the obligatory "I don't want to go to school" laments, Timmy and Friend happily settled into their school day routine. Within moments of his logging on I heard laughter and giggles coming from the classroom. Compared to the wailing and tears from previous years, I felt victorious.

Unfortunately Scott continues to struggle to reach 'tolerable' when describing his new job. The details are scant simply because he refuses to communicate about the school or his new charge. I'm at a loss, but I know that we can't go the entire school year with him this miserable. I'm still holding onto hope for the other position, but at this point I need to start considering alternatives.  

Adulting is not fun!

 

Cheering

 I spent the entire day cleaning and prepping the 'school' room for the new academic year. I wanted Timmy to have a completely fresh start in a new space curated especially for him. It took me all afternoon, but I am proud of the results and excited for him to use it in the coming months. This is the first time has a completely decorated room just for school, and I think he is going to love the autonomy!

 Unfortunately, the desk that I needed for his room was still in the basement. Undeterred, I set out to move the it myself. Timmy, eager to help, asked what he could do to assist. I asked him to help me steer the desk as I pull it up the stairs. It took me about 30 seconds to realize that Timmy had misheard me. Instead of steering the desk, he set out to cheer me on. He began to clap, laud praise and encouragement as he watched me schlep his desk up two flights of stairs.  He was the best little cheerleader, offering the highest praise as being "almost as strong as Aunt Sheri." 

Today Timmy begins his new academic adventure. The teachers and many classmates remain the same, but the technology and the name of the school have changed. He is nervous but I know that he is going to thrive. Out of all of our 'first days' so far, this one has me the least stressed.

While I'm not worried about Timmy or Robby, my heart continues to hurt for Scott. He is absolutely miserable at his job. We haven't heard about the other positions, so we are trying to remain optimistic. 

Fingers crossed!

 

 

School

Robby is settling into his room and the new school year. His roommate never materialized, allowing him more room to spread out. Talk about a lucky kid! He has a double room all to himself. I think we are going to make another run to visit him this weekend to take him shopping for supplies to turn the spare bed into a study zone/ lounge. 

While Robby is enjoying school, Scott is definitely struggling. Returning to work after retirement is difficult and exhausting. Everything is compounding because he is still working through his cardio rehab program and recovering. He is swirling in a whirlpool of misery, and I am helpless to lend any assistance or help. I am hoping beyond hope that he is selected for a position he was approached about last week. ( I recognize that this is cryptic, and I apologize.) If he were to be offered the other position, I believe that his mood would instantly shift. 

Today Timmy and I are focusing on cleaning up his classroom for the upcoming year. It is going to be a herculean task. Thankfully I have a new audio book and hours of time.  Wish me luck!

 

Updates

 The past few weeks have been difficult. While Scott is doing well in cardio rehab, the more practical and emotional sides of living with a cardiac issue became all consuming. After much thoughtful deliberation and a lot of tears, the decision was made for Scott to return to work in an aide position at the local high school.  We need to maintain good health insurance and the easiest way to accomplish this is to work for the school system.

Returning to work, in a part time capacity for insurance, was always the plan after his official retirement. The heart attack and move have delayed our plans, but it is time to get back on track. He began his new position last week. While it isn't teaching so he does not have the paperwork requirements, the change in schedule has been a difficult adjustment.  

Scott does not love his current placement. He is working one-on-one with an autistic boy whom the school promised was not aggressive.  The bruises covering Scott's arms tell another story. Hopefully there is an opportunity for him to change his placement into a position that is much more suited for his skill set. He would be so much happier in the other job, so please send good wishes and all the luck you can afford.

Scott started his job last week and over the weekend we moved Robby into his college dorm. Year number 2 starts today! This summer has been difficult and stressful. I know that he is happy to be back with his friends and away from the cardio chaos that has consumed our summer.  A huge thank you to my sister who came down to help us move him into the dorm. I really don't know how we would have managed without her!

I also want to thank everybody for sticking by me over the past few months. I am going to get back to blogging because it is good for my mental health. I need to remain connected despite my desire to hide under my bed from the world. 

Badges

 Yesterday was the National Night Out, a police led initiative to integrate and ingratiate into their communities. The boys look forward to the event each year because it is littered with freebies, games and activities. This is our first year in West Virginia and we weren't sure what to expect, but we were pleasantly surprised by the event.  

While the boys had a blast trolling through the booths for freebies and food, I felt uncomfortable from the moment we arrived. The police presence, which was expected because they were hosting, immediately triggered my anxiety. With every badge I saw my brother being shot. I don't know if I will ever be able to disassociate all badges from my anxiety, but I do know that I am not there yet.

Even though I struggled with the badges, it was nice doing something 'normal' as a family again. This is the first event we have resumed post-heart attack. It is definitely time for us to start returning to our lives again. Scott is healthier and we need to figure out a new way ahead. 

Trees

 When we returned from Ohio we discovered an 80 foot tree fell down in our side yard. Thankful that it didn't harm a structure or encroach too severely on our neighbors' property line, I arranged to have my nephew and his tree-trimming friends to come down on Saturday to help. Although we were all frustrated by the damage, we were able to forget about it until the weekend.

In preparation for our merry band of chain-saw wielding young men, Scott and I went to the ATM Saturday morning to grab some cash. The skies and weather were beautiful, and we were both feeling optimistic that the job should be easy for 'the boys.' We had just returned to the house and were turning our attention to debating between chicken or pizza for lunch when we heard a crash. 

Crash does not adequately describe the sound that we heard. The house shook with a violence that was unsettling. After confirming that nobody was hurt inside, I went outside to check for the culprit. I was shocked by the sight before me.

Two 100+ poplar trees were laying across my yard, driveway and front yard. Leaves and branches were everywhere. Somehow, these massive trunks managed to miss the house and the SUV, for which we are grateful and astounded. 

Because the two trees that fell were attached to another two 125 foot poplars, we knew that we needed to call in some professionals above my nephew. Precariously perched atop rotten roots, we were frightened that an obese squirrel could jump onto the trunk and topple the entire thing. Thankfully our neighbors helped us locate a local tree company who was more than willing to come out on a Saturday for an emergency job. 

While the professional company was working in our front and side yard, my nephew and his buddies were in the back chopping up the original felled tree into firewood. Needless to say, the yard was certainly abuzz with excitement. 

 

Separation

 Yesterday was our 21st wedding anniversary. Some years we celebrate by going out to dinner or making grand gestures, while other years we quietly wish each other a Happy Anniversary over whatever dinner I'm making that night. This year's celebration was laid back and relatively non-eventful.  After the year we have endured, quiet and calm was right up my alley!

Scott is halfway through his cardiac rehab program and I think we are beginning to settle into our new lifestyle. It has been quite an adjustment for everybody! I think that doctors and the entire medical establishment fails to acknowledge the impact of a cardiac event on the entire family unit. Of course, our medical system is not set up to care about people as individuals, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. 

Today Scott is going to venture to rehab by himself, which is a big step for both of us. He has been well enough to drive home after the sessions for several weeks, and my being there has become a crutch. If we are going to resume an somewhat normal lifestyle, we will need to separate at some point.  We are both a bit anxious but we realize it is time. 

Wish us luck!

 

Back Home

 This past week has been hot and exhausting. Scott's aunt was hospitalized and it seemed like a good opportunity for a visit with his mom. Scott hasn't been home since his heart attack and I know he has been struggling with feeling homesick. I've learned that it doesn't matter how old you are, you always want your mom when you don't feel well.  I was worried that the trip was going to be too much for him but the emotional needs overruled my concerns.

We borrowed my Mom's car which has fantastic air conditioning and more room. We split the drive and took frequent rests. Despite our efforts, Scott was not feeling well when we arrived in Ohio. The heat in the house certainly did not help. Although we had a small air conditioner delivered to Ohio, the house itself was often overwhelming with heat. When the living room heats up to 101, there is little that can be done to cool it down quickly and comfortably.

Our visit was quicker than normal because of the heat and Scott's cardio rehab appointments. Because of my health concerns for Scott the visit was more stressful than normal. But seeing Scott so relaxed with his mom made it all worth while.

That being said, I'm very happy to be home where every since room is habitable and cool.

 

Swimming

 This summer has been difficult, however watching Robby assume some of the 'entertainment' load for Timmy has been wonderful. Timmy loves doing anything that includes his big brother and Robby has been more than eager to lap up the adoration.  Last week the boys went to our little local water park twice. Seeing their sun-kissed cheeks walking through the door made my heart smile.

 The age difference between the boys has made entertaining both of them difficult. Breaking up summer boredom has become even more complicated by the hot temperatures and seemingly constant storms. I'm glad that we were able to break up the week and take full advantage of the non-rain hours.  When the boys aren't swimming together they are usually playing video games. Timmy has been working hard and practicing so that he can play with his brother during online games. The screams of attack plans and hoots of joy radiate through the house when they are playing.

Today is an off day for Scott's cardiac rehab.  He has officially reached the halfway point in the program. Hopefully soon everything won't feel as different and hard.  

Over analyzing

 Last week I struggled emotionally.  I found myself stuck in my own spiraling thoughts as I attempted to weave through nearly 2 decades of friendship to determine if it was built upon truth or manipulation. I tried to stop overthinking but I just got caught in the cycle of remembering, analyzing, and wondering.  Has this ever happened to you?

It is terribly painful to realize that a friendship that you have valued may not be perceived with the same esteem by your friend.  Overvaluing a friendship is one thing. But feeling like it may have been ultimately all a manipulation is something else entirely.  Let me tell you, this one really hurts.

On Saturday, overwhelmed by all of the feelings and emotions in my head, I did what I knew would help to recenter me. I went to visit my Mom. No matter how old I get, her hugs and her presence always recenter me.  It was a quick getaway, just one night because Scott has to resume cardio rehab this morning, but it was enough for me to feel normal, or at least as normal as possible again.  

Here's to a better week for everybody!

 

Veggie Slicer

The past few months have had a strong heart and health focus. Between managing medication and cardiac rehabilitation, this has definitely been the summer of focusing on Scott's health and needs. I have had to reform the way in which I cook, trying to focus on heart healthy foods while still making the kids happy. Needless to say, it has been a difficult balance.  

Many days I feel like a short order cook. The kids have been relatively low maintenance this summer and have not complained, but I still feel guilty about being tethered home instead of pursuing adventures. Because of my guilt, I'm compensating in the kitchen. We've developed a habit of my cooking separate meals for everybody in an attempt to make them happy. Unfortunately, it is running me ragged in the process.

In an attempt to simplify the seemingly endless cutting and chopping of veggies, we purchased a food slicer.  Excited to try it out, I called the kids into the kitchen to show them my new 'toy' and to talk to them about the need to ALWAYS use the food guard when slicing. Demonstrating with a tomato, I began to tell them how you should never slice a food without the guard because...

OUCH! Yep. I cut the tip of my thumb off while showing the kids.  The bleeding was significant and the bandage required for my thumb kept me from typing for nearly a week.  Hence the lack of blogs.

Needless to say, I don't think anybody will be using the new veggie slicer again anytime soon. 

Timmy's Great Adventure

 I know I promised to write today about my cousin Bobby. Although as I sat down to write this morning I find my eyes flooded with tears. Alas. I think I need to wait to share until my heart is a little less tender.  Instead, today I will share how Timmy spent his 4th of July. While ours was deliberately non-eventful, Timmy managed to cram in enough adventures for all of us.

On Wednesday, when I was feeling ill from the throws of Covid, grief, fear, exhaustion and anxiety, I broke down crying to my Mom. Timmy was bored and there wasn't anything I could do. Everybody else was having wonderful holiday adventures and we were stuck inside because I was too sick to do anything fun with him. I felt overwhelmed and I felt like I was failing as a Mom.

About an hour after venting I received a call. My Mom and my sister got together and came up with a plan. My Mom, who had arranged to go to a hotel on the 4th in anticipation of the Memorial Service, cancelled her room and started to set up "Camp Nana."  My sister drove down after work and picked up Timmy for his grand adventure.  I went back to bed, feeling grateful that I have such a wonderful family but still guilty about needing help.

I woke up on the 4th to a video from my Mom. Sheri and Timmy stopped for fireworks on the way home. At the end of her small street she let him hold long sparklers out of the top of the jeep while screaming "Happy Fourth of July." He was delighted, and I knew all was well. 

Early on the 4th my sister and Timmy woke up to a hearty breakfast before hiking the Appalachian Trail. Timmy adores hiking with Sheri and takes the opportunity to talk nonstop. Exhausted but proud, he was delighted to reach their summit for the day.  In the afternoon they went to a food truck rally because hiking the Appalachian Trail works up quite an appetite. They spent the evening at a neighborhood party, playing in the pool and eating a lot of popcicles.

As if the day were not fun enough, at night my nephew arrived (along with his friend) with a truckload of fireworks. Jared had originally planned to shoot off the fireworks at a later time but adjusted his plans because of Timmy. I really appreciate him doing that, and Timmy had a blast.

I may not have provided Timmy with a good holiday, but my family certainly did!

 

Covid for me

 Sigh.

Thank you for sticking with me.  Despite my best intentions, life continues to throw roadblocks into my plan of daily blogging.  Last Wednesday morning I woke up early- extremely ill.  I will spare you the details.  I have not been that ill in years.

Unable to get out of bed without intense vertigo and vomiting, I was miserable. Watching TV made me queasy. Reading and writing was not even on my radar. Thankfully, like Scott's experience with Covid, it was relatively short lived.  After two days of misery, I was out of bed. Fatigued and sore, but functional.

Thursday I remembered my Ampuversary, but I was too sick to care. The math confused me as I attempted to calculate my post-amputation year so I quickly gave up. I'll celebrate next year. 

I spent the 4th of July sleeping and resting. We did not celebrate the holiday this year. Honestly, there just doesn't feel like a lot to celebrate in our country right now. I don't think we deserved a parade and fireworks this year after passing such a detrimental bill targeted towards the disability community.  My heart breaks for the devastation that I fear is ahead.

On Saturday I was well enough to attend my cousin's memorial. I think I will pause this blog here.  He deserves his own post tomorrow.  

Bobby

 Sometimes a message comes through that changes the fabric of a family. Last week I received such a text. My beloved older cousin Bob- Bobby to his family- suffered a heart attack and suddenly died. I really don't have the words to process this loss.

Bobby was among my first heroes. He was raised by my grandparents so we saw him frequently when we were growing up. We were the loud and excited little kids who infringed on a teenagers space, toys and newly released video games. We thought he was the coolest person ever.

I had a chance to travel with Bobby as an adult. It was fun to redefine our relationship as adult cousins. I went to visit Bobby in Phoenix exactly one month before my foot was crushed. He was my last bi-ped adventure, and I will always cherish those memories.

My heart is broken. My mom's heart is shattered. Bobby held a special place in my heart, but he was her first nephew. Her first experience with the unconditional love that only an adult can feel for a child.  There is so much more I could write, but for now the words lay too heavy.

 

Scott has Covid

 This is definitely the season of the unexpected. 

Scott woke up early Wednesday complaining of a headache. After checking his bp and fever, we decided to run a Covid test. Surprise! He has Covid.

His other bouts with Covid have leaned towards the mild. This time, what Scott is experiencing reminds me more of the flu than a mild cold. He has been knocked down with a fever, cough and general malaise. Perhaps the most frustrating is that his completion of the cardio rehab program has been delayed because he must skip sessions while he is sick.

I know that missing a few sessions is not catastrophic, but it is certainly a frustration. I've been diligent about making sure that everything is on schedule and appropriate to set Scott up for the best chance for recovery from the heart attack. Now stupid Covid infected him and messed up my calendar.  (LOL).

The past 48 hours have been about Covid control and containment. The boys have been staying in the game room (primarily), venturing down to visit with me and to obtain more food. Scott has taken over the bedroom because it is so much cooler than the rest of the house.  I get the living room, which is the only area of the house that struggles to remain cool.  At this point I'll gladly accept the added heat over getting infected by Scott.  

Another day in paradise begins....