Field Trip

 In a shift from the norm, yesterday I pulled Timmy from classes and took him on an impromptu adventure. (Before everybody comes at me, it was mostly educationally based.) True to tradition, Timmy did not know our destinations but he was delighted when I invited him to skip school with me. After jumping with delight, he dressed in record time so we could begin our adventures.

 I took him to the Udvar Hazy Space Museum, one of his favorite locations outside of Washington DC. He was delighted to return 'home' and was eager to check out his favorite exhibits. Because we arrived when the museum was opening, there were no lines for the simulators. Usually that section of the museum is very busy and I typically avoid it. But yesterday was special and I decided to include an experience in our adventure.

I let Timmy choose which simulator we were going to experience. He chose the fighter jet, which was the most complicated. I wasn't particularly worried because I can handle the jerky movements of virtual reality rides as long as I close my eyes.  So sure Timmy, let's be fighter pilots.

Crawling into the cock pit of our simulator plane, I was surprised by all of the straps we needed to utilize. I even commented to the attendant that the straps were a really nice touch. He looked at me and mumbled "You will go upside down." I assured him I would be fine because I'll simply close my eyes.

Again he warned me about going upside down before closing the cockpit door and locking us in. Strange warning I thought. But as the simulation began to rev to life I had a haunting realization- did he mean our capsule was going to go upside down?

Within 30 seconds of take off I had our virtual plane nosediving towards the ocean while Timmy and I were flipped upside down in our little capsule. Hanging like bats upside down frantically trying to figure out the controls to right ourselves. We crashed into the ocean.

The game reset, we were transported back to our normal alignment and took off again. Quickly we found ourselves again hanging upside down and laughing hysterically. The suction on my prosthesis broke and I could feel the leg start to shift. I told Timmy who was howling with laughter so much that he ended up farting, essentially hot boxing us with his noxious gas. 

We are terrible pilots but it was a lot of fun! I don't remember the last time we both laughed so much. 

 

Good report

 Yesterday Scott had an appointment with his cardiologist and received an excellent report. I immediately felt a weight of anxiety lift when the doctor said we didn't need to return for six months. It has been a difficult summer as we struggled with the medication, recovery, rehabilitation and a completely new diet. After months of change, I think we are finally settling into a quasi-comfortable post-cardiac event routine. 

Settling into a new normal has allowed me to start to relax and breath. I have spent months on high alert and my body is wearing down. I think I need to invest a little more effort into my own self-care or I won't be much good for anybody. I suppose this is an issue for most (probably all) moms. We, collectively, need to do a better job extending the same grace and courtesy to ourselves that we do to everybody else.

Here's to self-care! 

Wii

 This weekend was rough.  The constant coverage of the shooting in Utah has triggered my grief and anxiety over my brother.  Like Kirk, my brother was shot in the neck. Only when Jae was killed by gun violence, nobody cared. 

The shooting put Jae in my mind, but a series of coincidences over the weekend kept him omnipresent. Robby has been challenging his skills by 'jail breaking' previous gaming systems.  The most recent project has been reworking our old Wii, which hasn't been used in decades. Excited to test out his new features, he called us all into his room. The wind was knocked out of me when I looked at the television screen and saw our avatars from long ago. My brother's avatar was walking around the screen, animated and full of life.

The drama towards the end of Jae's life has made retrieving happier memories difficult. Seeing his avatar I was flooded with memories of the times he played with Robby. When he was healthy, he was a really good uncle. I'm so grateful that his avatar remained to remind me of those times. 

Sigh. I miss him. 

Today Scott has a cardiologist appointment. I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being scared. His blood pressure has been a struggle as of late. I'm hoping it will be a simple medication switch, but I think I will always be scared.

 

Rockets

 In a year of chaos and uncertainty, I am grateful that both Robby and Timmy have settled into their new school routines. Robby seems to love all of his classes, including Biology, and thoroughly enjoys having a room to himself. Timmy is delighted to be back with his 'homies' and has fallen back into a comfortable classroom routine. The peels of laughter that radiate through the upstairs of our house when he is collaborating with his friends brightens my days. 

Unfortunately, Scott is not nearly as happy in his new school. I don't know how to help him because he is using his words sparingly. I know that this has been a huge transition and I'm trying to be patient. Sigh. It's not easy always walking on eggshells. 

This weekend was spent building rockets with Timmy and riding bikes around the neighborhood. I wish I had a more exciting life to share!  Fingers crossed that we all have a good week.

 

Friday

 The second week of school is coming to a close. So far, Robby and Timmy are happy with their placements. Scott continues to be miserable but I am hoping that is starting to change. Slowly he is starting to reference coworkers and share stories about his day. I continue to hope that he will find a different placement within the school. He would be much happier if he were both physically safe and utilizing his 30+ years experience. At the moment, neither of those conditions has been met.

This weekend's Space Fair has been circled on our calendar for about 4 months. Timmy has been eagerly counting down and is beyond excited that the time has finally arrived. Fingers crossed that the weather holds out to allow for clear viewing through the telescopes. My little star gazer is very excited to peak at the planets. We don't have a lot of luck with clear weather and space themed activities but I am optimistic that we are due for some good luck. 

Have a great weekend! 

Gutted

 I've been trying to remain optimistic, but it is a struggle. It feels like we get the rug pulled out from us every time we dare to hope. Although I still love the house, it feels like West Virginia is where happiness goes to die. Despite all of his qualifications, Scott did not receive the coveted position and he is gutted. 

We were really hoping that this position would materialize so Scott could transfer from his current role. With this option being taken off the table, we have both been trying to sort through different scenarios. The one thing we know for certain is that we cannot continue in the current situation. Scott will end up getting physically hurt. I'm optimistic about the results of my interview but I'm almost too nervous to hope at this point.  

 Adulting is hard!

Progress? Maybe!

 Things are moving along in our little family.  On Friday Scott graduated from cardiac rehabilitation, marking the end of his 'recovery' period. Now we are in maintenance and monitoring, which feels like such progress. I am so happy to not have to go to the cardiac care center three times a week. Although I wasn't working out like Scott, I dreaded going because it was a concrete reminder of our vulnerability. It will be nice to ease into our healthier lifestyle.

Robby came home for the holiday weekend. Although he has only been away for a few days, I have missed him and it was nice to see his face. It turns out that he is incredibly lucky because the roommate he was assigned never materialized. My kiddo has a double dorm room to himself! We spent the weekend gathering supplies so that he could transform the spare bed into a lounge area. (This is precisely what I would have done in the same situation.)

This morning Scott woke early and logged into an interview before heading to work. He is being considered for a position that would, in my opinion, be perfect for his skill set. Please send good thoughts. He has been utterly miserable in his current role. 

 

Happy News

 After a summer of schlepping to and from the hospital, today is Scott's final cardio rehab session. He has been giving the therapy his all and the results are showing his efforts. He has dropped both weight and cholesterol levels and gained strength and endurance. He plans on continuing his fitness routine at a local gym that is much closer to our house (and not affiliated with a hospital.)  While I know that we will continue to live with cardiac issues and the omnipresent threat of another event, graduating from cardiac rehab is a huge step in his recovery.  

In more good news (which has been in short supply), Scott finally received the much anticipated call for an interview for the new position. He will interview Tuesday morning at 7:30. I am hoping that he is selected for the role. Not only will the students benefit from his experience, but he will be so much happier. Have I mentioned the depths of his misery in his current role?

 

Happy and Sad

 Timmy had an amazing first day of school. For the first time in his educational career, neither of us shed tears on the first day of school. Talk about an accomplishment! After the obligatory "I don't want to go to school" laments, Timmy and Friend happily settled into their school day routine. Within moments of his logging on I heard laughter and giggles coming from the classroom. Compared to the wailing and tears from previous years, I felt victorious.

Unfortunately Scott continues to struggle to reach 'tolerable' when describing his new job. The details are scant simply because he refuses to communicate about the school or his new charge. I'm at a loss, but I know that we can't go the entire school year with him this miserable. I'm still holding onto hope for the other position, but at this point I need to start considering alternatives.  

Adulting is not fun!

 

Cheering

 I spent the entire day cleaning and prepping the 'school' room for the new academic year. I wanted Timmy to have a completely fresh start in a new space curated especially for him. It took me all afternoon, but I am proud of the results and excited for him to use it in the coming months. This is the first time has a completely decorated room just for school, and I think he is going to love the autonomy!

 Unfortunately, the desk that I needed for his room was still in the basement. Undeterred, I set out to move the it myself. Timmy, eager to help, asked what he could do to assist. I asked him to help me steer the desk as I pull it up the stairs. It took me about 30 seconds to realize that Timmy had misheard me. Instead of steering the desk, he set out to cheer me on. He began to clap, laud praise and encouragement as he watched me schlep his desk up two flights of stairs.  He was the best little cheerleader, offering the highest praise as being "almost as strong as Aunt Sheri." 

Today Timmy begins his new academic adventure. The teachers and many classmates remain the same, but the technology and the name of the school have changed. He is nervous but I know that he is going to thrive. Out of all of our 'first days' so far, this one has me the least stressed.

While I'm not worried about Timmy or Robby, my heart continues to hurt for Scott. He is absolutely miserable at his job. We haven't heard about the other positions, so we are trying to remain optimistic. 

Fingers crossed!

 

 

School

Robby is settling into his room and the new school year. His roommate never materialized, allowing him more room to spread out. Talk about a lucky kid! He has a double room all to himself. I think we are going to make another run to visit him this weekend to take him shopping for supplies to turn the spare bed into a study zone/ lounge. 

While Robby is enjoying school, Scott is definitely struggling. Returning to work after retirement is difficult and exhausting. Everything is compounding because he is still working through his cardio rehab program and recovering. He is swirling in a whirlpool of misery, and I am helpless to lend any assistance or help. I am hoping beyond hope that he is selected for a position he was approached about last week. ( I recognize that this is cryptic, and I apologize.) If he were to be offered the other position, I believe that his mood would instantly shift. 

Today Timmy and I are focusing on cleaning up his classroom for the upcoming year. It is going to be a herculean task. Thankfully I have a new audio book and hours of time.  Wish me luck!

 

Updates

 The past few weeks have been difficult. While Scott is doing well in cardio rehab, the more practical and emotional sides of living with a cardiac issue became all consuming. After much thoughtful deliberation and a lot of tears, the decision was made for Scott to return to work in an aide position at the local high school.  We need to maintain good health insurance and the easiest way to accomplish this is to work for the school system.

Returning to work, in a part time capacity for insurance, was always the plan after his official retirement. The heart attack and move have delayed our plans, but it is time to get back on track. He began his new position last week. While it isn't teaching so he does not have the paperwork requirements, the change in schedule has been a difficult adjustment.  

Scott does not love his current placement. He is working one-on-one with an autistic boy whom the school promised was not aggressive.  The bruises covering Scott's arms tell another story. Hopefully there is an opportunity for him to change his placement into a position that is much more suited for his skill set. He would be so much happier in the other job, so please send good wishes and all the luck you can afford.

Scott started his job last week and over the weekend we moved Robby into his college dorm. Year number 2 starts today! This summer has been difficult and stressful. I know that he is happy to be back with his friends and away from the cardio chaos that has consumed our summer.  A huge thank you to my sister who came down to help us move him into the dorm. I really don't know how we would have managed without her!

I also want to thank everybody for sticking by me over the past few months. I am going to get back to blogging because it is good for my mental health. I need to remain connected despite my desire to hide under my bed from the world. 

Badges

 Yesterday was the National Night Out, a police led initiative to integrate and ingratiate into their communities. The boys look forward to the event each year because it is littered with freebies, games and activities. This is our first year in West Virginia and we weren't sure what to expect, but we were pleasantly surprised by the event.  

While the boys had a blast trolling through the booths for freebies and food, I felt uncomfortable from the moment we arrived. The police presence, which was expected because they were hosting, immediately triggered my anxiety. With every badge I saw my brother being shot. I don't know if I will ever be able to disassociate all badges from my anxiety, but I do know that I am not there yet.

Even though I struggled with the badges, it was nice doing something 'normal' as a family again. This is the first event we have resumed post-heart attack. It is definitely time for us to start returning to our lives again. Scott is healthier and we need to figure out a new way ahead. 

Trees

 When we returned from Ohio we discovered an 80 foot tree fell down in our side yard. Thankful that it didn't harm a structure or encroach too severely on our neighbors' property line, I arranged to have my nephew and his tree-trimming friends to come down on Saturday to help. Although we were all frustrated by the damage, we were able to forget about it until the weekend.

In preparation for our merry band of chain-saw wielding young men, Scott and I went to the ATM Saturday morning to grab some cash. The skies and weather were beautiful, and we were both feeling optimistic that the job should be easy for 'the boys.' We had just returned to the house and were turning our attention to debating between chicken or pizza for lunch when we heard a crash. 

Crash does not adequately describe the sound that we heard. The house shook with a violence that was unsettling. After confirming that nobody was hurt inside, I went outside to check for the culprit. I was shocked by the sight before me.

Two 100+ poplar trees were laying across my yard, driveway and front yard. Leaves and branches were everywhere. Somehow, these massive trunks managed to miss the house and the SUV, for which we are grateful and astounded. 

Because the two trees that fell were attached to another two 125 foot poplars, we knew that we needed to call in some professionals above my nephew. Precariously perched atop rotten roots, we were frightened that an obese squirrel could jump onto the trunk and topple the entire thing. Thankfully our neighbors helped us locate a local tree company who was more than willing to come out on a Saturday for an emergency job. 

While the professional company was working in our front and side yard, my nephew and his buddies were in the back chopping up the original felled tree into firewood. Needless to say, the yard was certainly abuzz with excitement. 

 

Separation

 Yesterday was our 21st wedding anniversary. Some years we celebrate by going out to dinner or making grand gestures, while other years we quietly wish each other a Happy Anniversary over whatever dinner I'm making that night. This year's celebration was laid back and relatively non-eventful.  After the year we have endured, quiet and calm was right up my alley!

Scott is halfway through his cardiac rehab program and I think we are beginning to settle into our new lifestyle. It has been quite an adjustment for everybody! I think that doctors and the entire medical establishment fails to acknowledge the impact of a cardiac event on the entire family unit. Of course, our medical system is not set up to care about people as individuals, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. 

Today Scott is going to venture to rehab by himself, which is a big step for both of us. He has been well enough to drive home after the sessions for several weeks, and my being there has become a crutch. If we are going to resume an somewhat normal lifestyle, we will need to separate at some point.  We are both a bit anxious but we realize it is time. 

Wish us luck!

 

Back Home

 This past week has been hot and exhausting. Scott's aunt was hospitalized and it seemed like a good opportunity for a visit with his mom. Scott hasn't been home since his heart attack and I know he has been struggling with feeling homesick. I've learned that it doesn't matter how old you are, you always want your mom when you don't feel well.  I was worried that the trip was going to be too much for him but the emotional needs overruled my concerns.

We borrowed my Mom's car which has fantastic air conditioning and more room. We split the drive and took frequent rests. Despite our efforts, Scott was not feeling well when we arrived in Ohio. The heat in the house certainly did not help. Although we had a small air conditioner delivered to Ohio, the house itself was often overwhelming with heat. When the living room heats up to 101, there is little that can be done to cool it down quickly and comfortably.

Our visit was quicker than normal because of the heat and Scott's cardio rehab appointments. Because of my health concerns for Scott the visit was more stressful than normal. But seeing Scott so relaxed with his mom made it all worth while.

That being said, I'm very happy to be home where every since room is habitable and cool.

 

Swimming

 This summer has been difficult, however watching Robby assume some of the 'entertainment' load for Timmy has been wonderful. Timmy loves doing anything that includes his big brother and Robby has been more than eager to lap up the adoration.  Last week the boys went to our little local water park twice. Seeing their sun-kissed cheeks walking through the door made my heart smile.

 The age difference between the boys has made entertaining both of them difficult. Breaking up summer boredom has become even more complicated by the hot temperatures and seemingly constant storms. I'm glad that we were able to break up the week and take full advantage of the non-rain hours.  When the boys aren't swimming together they are usually playing video games. Timmy has been working hard and practicing so that he can play with his brother during online games. The screams of attack plans and hoots of joy radiate through the house when they are playing.

Today is an off day for Scott's cardiac rehab.  He has officially reached the halfway point in the program. Hopefully soon everything won't feel as different and hard.  

Over analyzing

 Last week I struggled emotionally.  I found myself stuck in my own spiraling thoughts as I attempted to weave through nearly 2 decades of friendship to determine if it was built upon truth or manipulation. I tried to stop overthinking but I just got caught in the cycle of remembering, analyzing, and wondering.  Has this ever happened to you?

It is terribly painful to realize that a friendship that you have valued may not be perceived with the same esteem by your friend.  Overvaluing a friendship is one thing. But feeling like it may have been ultimately all a manipulation is something else entirely.  Let me tell you, this one really hurts.

On Saturday, overwhelmed by all of the feelings and emotions in my head, I did what I knew would help to recenter me. I went to visit my Mom. No matter how old I get, her hugs and her presence always recenter me.  It was a quick getaway, just one night because Scott has to resume cardio rehab this morning, but it was enough for me to feel normal, or at least as normal as possible again.  

Here's to a better week for everybody!

 

Veggie Slicer

The past few months have had a strong heart and health focus. Between managing medication and cardiac rehabilitation, this has definitely been the summer of focusing on Scott's health and needs. I have had to reform the way in which I cook, trying to focus on heart healthy foods while still making the kids happy. Needless to say, it has been a difficult balance.  

Many days I feel like a short order cook. The kids have been relatively low maintenance this summer and have not complained, but I still feel guilty about being tethered home instead of pursuing adventures. Because of my guilt, I'm compensating in the kitchen. We've developed a habit of my cooking separate meals for everybody in an attempt to make them happy. Unfortunately, it is running me ragged in the process.

In an attempt to simplify the seemingly endless cutting and chopping of veggies, we purchased a food slicer.  Excited to try it out, I called the kids into the kitchen to show them my new 'toy' and to talk to them about the need to ALWAYS use the food guard when slicing. Demonstrating with a tomato, I began to tell them how you should never slice a food without the guard because...

OUCH! Yep. I cut the tip of my thumb off while showing the kids.  The bleeding was significant and the bandage required for my thumb kept me from typing for nearly a week.  Hence the lack of blogs.

Needless to say, I don't think anybody will be using the new veggie slicer again anytime soon. 

Timmy's Great Adventure

 I know I promised to write today about my cousin Bobby. Although as I sat down to write this morning I find my eyes flooded with tears. Alas. I think I need to wait to share until my heart is a little less tender.  Instead, today I will share how Timmy spent his 4th of July. While ours was deliberately non-eventful, Timmy managed to cram in enough adventures for all of us.

On Wednesday, when I was feeling ill from the throws of Covid, grief, fear, exhaustion and anxiety, I broke down crying to my Mom. Timmy was bored and there wasn't anything I could do. Everybody else was having wonderful holiday adventures and we were stuck inside because I was too sick to do anything fun with him. I felt overwhelmed and I felt like I was failing as a Mom.

About an hour after venting I received a call. My Mom and my sister got together and came up with a plan. My Mom, who had arranged to go to a hotel on the 4th in anticipation of the Memorial Service, cancelled her room and started to set up "Camp Nana."  My sister drove down after work and picked up Timmy for his grand adventure.  I went back to bed, feeling grateful that I have such a wonderful family but still guilty about needing help.

I woke up on the 4th to a video from my Mom. Sheri and Timmy stopped for fireworks on the way home. At the end of her small street she let him hold long sparklers out of the top of the jeep while screaming "Happy Fourth of July." He was delighted, and I knew all was well. 

Early on the 4th my sister and Timmy woke up to a hearty breakfast before hiking the Appalachian Trail. Timmy adores hiking with Sheri and takes the opportunity to talk nonstop. Exhausted but proud, he was delighted to reach their summit for the day.  In the afternoon they went to a food truck rally because hiking the Appalachian Trail works up quite an appetite. They spent the evening at a neighborhood party, playing in the pool and eating a lot of popcicles.

As if the day were not fun enough, at night my nephew arrived (along with his friend) with a truckload of fireworks. Jared had originally planned to shoot off the fireworks at a later time but adjusted his plans because of Timmy. I really appreciate him doing that, and Timmy had a blast.

I may not have provided Timmy with a good holiday, but my family certainly did!

 

Covid for me

 Sigh.

Thank you for sticking with me.  Despite my best intentions, life continues to throw roadblocks into my plan of daily blogging.  Last Wednesday morning I woke up early- extremely ill.  I will spare you the details.  I have not been that ill in years.

Unable to get out of bed without intense vertigo and vomiting, I was miserable. Watching TV made me queasy. Reading and writing was not even on my radar. Thankfully, like Scott's experience with Covid, it was relatively short lived.  After two days of misery, I was out of bed. Fatigued and sore, but functional.

Thursday I remembered my Ampuversary, but I was too sick to care. The math confused me as I attempted to calculate my post-amputation year so I quickly gave up. I'll celebrate next year. 

I spent the 4th of July sleeping and resting. We did not celebrate the holiday this year. Honestly, there just doesn't feel like a lot to celebrate in our country right now. I don't think we deserved a parade and fireworks this year after passing such a detrimental bill targeted towards the disability community.  My heart breaks for the devastation that I fear is ahead.

On Saturday I was well enough to attend my cousin's memorial. I think I will pause this blog here.  He deserves his own post tomorrow.  

Bobby

 Sometimes a message comes through that changes the fabric of a family. Last week I received such a text. My beloved older cousin Bob- Bobby to his family- suffered a heart attack and suddenly died. I really don't have the words to process this loss.

Bobby was among my first heroes. He was raised by my grandparents so we saw him frequently when we were growing up. We were the loud and excited little kids who infringed on a teenagers space, toys and newly released video games. We thought he was the coolest person ever.

I had a chance to travel with Bobby as an adult. It was fun to redefine our relationship as adult cousins. I went to visit Bobby in Phoenix exactly one month before my foot was crushed. He was my last bi-ped adventure, and I will always cherish those memories.

My heart is broken. My mom's heart is shattered. Bobby held a special place in my heart, but he was her first nephew. Her first experience with the unconditional love that only an adult can feel for a child.  There is so much more I could write, but for now the words lay too heavy.

 

Scott has Covid

 This is definitely the season of the unexpected. 

Scott woke up early Wednesday complaining of a headache. After checking his bp and fever, we decided to run a Covid test. Surprise! He has Covid.

His other bouts with Covid have leaned towards the mild. This time, what Scott is experiencing reminds me more of the flu than a mild cold. He has been knocked down with a fever, cough and general malaise. Perhaps the most frustrating is that his completion of the cardio rehab program has been delayed because he must skip sessions while he is sick.

I know that missing a few sessions is not catastrophic, but it is certainly a frustration. I've been diligent about making sure that everything is on schedule and appropriate to set Scott up for the best chance for recovery from the heart attack. Now stupid Covid infected him and messed up my calendar.  (LOL).

The past 48 hours have been about Covid control and containment. The boys have been staying in the game room (primarily), venturing down to visit with me and to obtain more food. Scott has taken over the bedroom because it is so much cooler than the rest of the house.  I get the living room, which is the only area of the house that struggles to remain cool.  At this point I'll gladly accept the added heat over getting infected by Scott.  

Another day in paradise begins....

 

Cheeseburgers!

 

The cooling zones in this house are bizarre but, in my opinion, amazingly awesome. The heat wave has been oppressive with temperatures rising above 100 degrees. While our living room and upstairs bedrooms hovered around 80 degrees, our back bedroom stayed a comfy and cool 70 (with that unit turned off entirely).  I'm so used to melting and being miserable in the summer. Being comfortable in this heatwave has been amazing!

 When it becomes this hot it is difficult to find anything to do with the boys. If I were totally honest, I'd admit that I'm bored as well.  Yesterday, in an attempt to break up the monotony of the heatwave, we surprised the boys with a trip to their favorite restaurant du jour- Red Robin. The quick outing was exactly what we all needed to brighten up an otherwise sweltering day.  

The heat will persist today and through the week. I'm hoping it breaks enough to be able to explore a local splash pad in the evening.  Fingers crossed!

 

Back at It

 This past weekend has been our most normal since Scott's cardiac event. Yesterday he and I packed up and headed to the mall to sell FlexyFriends while Robby and Timmy stayed home and out of the heat. This was the first time we have been selling together since the event, and Scott's first foray back into the public and some physical work. 

For a few hours at the mall, I forgot that we were now a cardiac family. I recognize this as a milestone because I remember how my amputation was omnipresent at the beginning. Eventually I didn't think about it during every moment of the day. Yesterday I experienced the same when I managed to 'forget' about my heart fears. I'm calling this progress!

The heat is oppressive, so we are staying inside (with the exception of Cardiac Rehab). With the heat index in excess of 110 degrees, I know that the chances of my leg staying in place are minimal. The last thing this family needs is for me to slip out of my leg, fall and get hurt. Between the captive sweat and the heat condensing socket, these temperatures make my amputee life miserable.  

Thank goodness for great a/c. Our unit at our previous home was antiquated and definitely destined for retirement. There is no way that that unit will cool our old home in this heat. We would have been at a hotel or my Mom's house if we were still living in Virginia. We weren't sure about the robustness of the unit at our current home, but I am incredibly impressed with the comfort that is being pumped into these walls. With everything else in the world going crazy, at least I can stay cool. 

Nutrition

 Oh my goodness, this summer's weather has been as miserable as our moods. Between the stagnant air, the grey skies and the constant storms, our yard has turned into an overgrown jungle brimming with bugs and other unsavory critters. It is the end of June and we still haven't had a day nice enough to try out the neighborhood pool. I suppose I shouldn't complain since parts of this state suffered severe flooding.  I know we are lucky but none of us are feeling particularly jovial. 

Yesterday while Scott was in heart rehab I attended a cardio nutrition class. Finally!  After six weeks, I finally found somebody who could provide concrete guidelines for our new diet. I felt feeling empowered with information and a diet plan that is not too far off the way that we ate preheart attack.   

Today is an 'off' day because we don't have any rehab or medical appointments. We are really hoping that the rain holds off so that Timmy and I can launch some rockets. Fingers crossed, because the odds are not in our favor. 

 

I'm Back

 The past few weeks have been difficult. I feel like my life has been turned in a snow globe of medical confusion and chaos. As the pieces start to float into place I am starting to see my way through into a different future than we envisioned, but one that is now our reality. I think I just needed time to process everything. Time to cry alone and mourn our carefree cardiac ignorant lives.  Thank you for returning to read.

Timmy has been basking in his summer vacation. Last week Tiffany took him on his own personal adventure. Dubbed "T and T Adventures," the pair went to Hershey Park, Red Robin and launched fireworks at night. Timmy's excitement and joy was positively radiant. I also must admit that I am so proud of Tiffany for coordinating her first adventure. She did an amazing job! 

Scott is settling into Cardiac Rehab. We are beginning week three and he is becoming stronger by the day. Thank you for your support and prayers.

I'll be back tomorrow!

 

Happy Birthday Robby

 Friday was a big day in our family- it was the day Robby turned 19!  I can't believe he is almost out of his teens. I could not be prouder of the man he that is emerging. Over the past month he has stepped up and helped both care of his dad and the house. Of course, he has always been and will always be a hero to Timmy.

19 years has passed since I first held him, although when I look into his eyes I still see a glint of the little pirate I used to battle with Nerf foam swords. When I think that his official childhood is over I become overwhelmed with sadness. With so much else sparking my tears, I am not going to invite this abyss. Instead, I'm choosing to focus on the amazing adventures that will unfold with my grown-up son. 

Like most holidays this year, Robby's birthday celebration was low-key. I made his requested cake (vanilla) and we took him to Texas Roadhouse for dinner. He spent the evening playing a video game with Timmy which absolutely delighted Hamlet.  

Today we start the final week of school and the first week of cardiac rehab.  Sigh.  Wish me luck with both!

 

No Starting Quite Yet

 Its seems we were a bit too enthusiastic about the start of Scott's cardiac rehabilitation. While we did attend the first appointment on Tuesday, him wearing his sneakers and ready to work out and me with my notebook in hand, eager to take notes to help him at home, nothing of import occurred. We filled out forms and watched a PowerPoint presentation about the importance of completing Cardiac Rehabilitation. We were instructed to return next Tuesday to formally begin the program. 

Disappointed that we weren't starting that day, it was difficult to keep Scott's spirits up. He is feeling deflated and useless around the house. I am acutely aware of his frustrations because, while I have never had issues with my heart, I have experienced a life-changing medical event. Thus far I have refrained from offering this reminder as support because I fear it would come off as dismissive when that is the last thing I want to do.  

Yesterday we received a phone call from the cardiac rehab informing us that our insurance has summarily denied care. Ugh! I spent the afternoon working the phone and trying to come to a resolution.  It took me nearly 3 hours but I believe everything should be ready go for next Tuesday. 

Fighting insurance enraged me. Why is healthcare always such a battle in this country? Nobody should ever look at their spouse and wonder if they are going to have the financial means to maintain their medical needs! 

Memorial Day wrap up

 Timmy did a fabulous job presenting his Science Fair project. In a room full of moon phases and bean growth, uranium glass presentation was unique and unusual. His increased comfort level speaking publicly was on full display as he confidently taught everybody and fielded questions about his glass. I am so proud of him!

On Saturday we met my Mom at a local creamery for the afternoon. It was nice to sit outside in a different location and chat face to face for awhile. I know that it is going to be awhile before I can leave Scott overnight, but it is nice to know that my Mom is always willing to drive a little further for some ice cream.

Sunday was (and always has been) Scott's special "Day of Racing." He rises early and begins his day with F1 before the flag drops at his beloved Indianapolis 500. In the evening another Nascar race finishes out the night, logging another 600 miles. I don't get it, but I have learned to understand that this marathon day of car racing is one of his favorites.  

Monday we decided to take the boys to the local Go-Cart track to break up the day. They had a blast. I have a feeling that Go-Carting will become a regular part of our summer rotation.  

Today Scott reports for orientation for Cardiac Rehabilitation. To say that he is nervous would be an understatement. While I'm excited to learn his true limits and to have him begin the process of recovery, he is scared that it will trigger another event.  (The fact that Mr. Bill called and regaled us with a story of his own cardiac rehabilitation, which did indeed trigger a second heart attack, did not help!) While I know that Scott will be safe, I know that he is scared.  Fingers crossed!

 

Science Fair

 It is a big day in our house, and for the first time in a long time it has nothing to do with health! After working and planning for weeks, today Timmy will present his science fair project. He is extraordinarily proud of his topic, Uranium Glass, because it is both unique and heavily influenced by his big brother. (On a side note, everybody should be as fortunate as Robby to be perpetually viewed as a hero by at least one person in their life.)

As soon as the science fair concludes we will be officially celebrating Memorial Day weekend. Unfortunately this year we won't be traveling to visit my mom. I haven't been able to go to the local craft fair with her for several years and I was really hoping to go this time. But Scott isn't cleared to travel and he can't be alone, so we're going to settle in for the weekend. 

Don't worry though- I have some plans.

:)

 

Still Adjusting

 Adjusting to life as a cardiac family is difficult yet, in many ways, the emotions remind me of the summer of my amputation. Scott and I were both scared, frustrated and lost in our own ways. This summer those same emotions are again rising, but it is more difficult because our kids are involved. Watching them struggle to accept and adjust to life after their Dad's heart attack has been really hard.

Robby continues to blame himself for his dad's coronary event. While he understands that his dad suffers from coronary artery disease, the timing of the heart attack remains most unfortunate. I don't think it will matter how many times I tell Robby that it was not his fault, I fear he will always harbor a little guilt. (Scott's heart attack began as he was moving Robby out of the dormitory for the summer.)

While Timmy does not assume any guilt, which is good, he seems to have trouble accepting the changes within his dad. Until Scott completes cardiac rehab, there are a lot of restrictions on activities. There could be restrictions after rehab as well, but I keep trying to push that worry can down the road. Robby and I are trying to fill the void, but it is not easy!

 I've been so lucky that my leg has cooperated throughout this ordeal. The past two days have greeted us with heavy rains and cooler air. I woke up this morning and my leg is angry and does not want to be confined in a prosthesis.  I think today will be one for the couch and crutches.

 

Birthday Recap

 My birthday was both laid back and quiet, both of which our family needed as we continue to heal from Scott's heart attack. The weather was gorgeous so I made a reservation for us to all go strawberry picking. Timmy was especially excited to return to the farm, albeit a completely different farm, to resume a familiar and comforting tradition. Witnessing his excitement to pick strawberries showed me that I need to provide more familiar experiences for him during this summer. His world has also been turned upside down and I think he is finding comfort through familiarity. 

We had a great time at the strawberry farm which looked and felt very familiar to our old family stomping grounds. I'm going to check into the prices for their CSA and playpasses. If affordable, I think may be a fantastic option for our family, especially Timmy, this summer. We are going to be rather tethered to WV and I'm trying to find local activities that will spark joy.

In the meantime, we need to get through the rest of this school year. Timmy has two weeks left and then he is officially done. After some drama about school for next year, his teachers have worked tirelessly to create their won school based upon the current technology being used. In other words, despite the fears of the school closing, Timmy's education will continue without pause. Talk about a relief!

 

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

 Today is my birthday.  Traditionally I love my birthday as I I aist upon being doted upon by everybody in my family.  For a single day of the year I aspire to avoid preparing dinners, lunches or breakfasts.  (Well, in an ideal world I would love to opt out entirely from all adult responsibilities, but it never really happens.)

This year the anticipation of my birthday has only brought tears.  Our family is healing and is still too traumatized from the heart attack and scared of the future to enjoy a birthday, especially mine. 

50 has not been kind to us.  I want to hide from 51.

Returning

 I am going to do my best to returning to writing on a regular basis. My life has been crazy but I realized that I need the outlet for my emotions. Thank you for sticking by me.

Scott continues to recover at home. After four stent placements and the diagnosis of another artery blocked, our family lifestyle has been overhauled. While the kids are onboard and have not complained, I must admit that I discovered that a "family healthy lifestyle" is quite laborious! I feel like I am spending hours in the kitchen each day carefully prepping each meal. I'm hoping it eases with time because it is exhausting.

As a mercy, my leg seems to be complying beautifully. I despite spending considerably more time on my legs each day, I have been able to avoid skin issues and breakdown.  Now if my emotional meltdowns were as easy to avoid.

It's hard. It's really really hard. I don't want to be a cardiac family. I want to turn back the clock 15 months to when I was happy any and felt valued. But that isn't possible, so right now I'm in survival mode.

Getting through the hours until the days are easier. We've done this type of trip before and we know we will make it to the other side. But this summer is not going to be a lot of fun.

 

Home on Cardiac Recovery

 The past week has been among one of the most difficult in my life. I am eternally  grateful that Scott is home and on the road to recovery. Our lives as cardiac families is already very sufficient, but we will figure it out.  

Although things are different, it is nice to have everybody home. Timmy finally returned home, reuniting the family under a single roof.  With the days lost in the hospital I completely forgot Mother's Day.  Thankfully my Mom surprised me with a lunch visit.

Things are hard.  I feel like I'm treading water wearing a ball gown and weights.  

But we will be okay 

Heart Attack

 I'm sorry for the delay in posting.  

I never made it to Bernie.  Scott called and asked me to come home because he wasn't feeling well. By the time I arrived, it was obvious we needed to go to the hospital.  

He is recovering from a heart attack.  Yesterday they put in four stents and today we will start our new life as a heart attack survivor family.

 

Bernie

 Greetings from Pennsylvania!  I came up to visit my mom for a few days so that I could accompany her to a few appointments, relax and go to a Bernie Sanders rally tonight. While I'm in PA, Scott stayed behind to help move Robby home from college.  After a 9 am virtual final, Robby is officially done with his freshman year in college!

Today I am going to hang out with my Mom before heading to the Bernie rally with her. My mom loves Bernie and was ecstatic when she learned that he was bringing his rally to Harrisburg. She rarely asks for anything, so when she asked if we would take her to the rally, there was no way I could say no. My thoughts on Bernie are complicated and complex, but fulfilling my Mom's request was simple.

Tomorrow I'll head back home and help Robby unpack and organize his college gear. It will be so nice to have him home for the summer!

Better

 I'm still struggling, but the sunshine definitely helps to keep my moods lighter. Scott and I have been having a lot of fun working in the yard, removing old vines and uncovering flowers and plants that have been struggling to bloom. We've planted a vegetable garden in flower pots and blueberry bushes next to the house. From the way that the plants are responding, we should have a bumper crop!

The temperatures are turning and the trees are finally starting to green. I am shocked at how long it has taken this area of West Virginia to emerge from winter. It feels like we are about four weeks behind the blooms around us.  Regardless of the timing, I'm delighted to finally see green and flowers again.  

Today we are heading back to Shepherd to pick up more of Robby's dorm room belongings. I am looking forward to having him home for summer, but I'm not eager for the move and the sudden reintroduction of so much 'stuff' into the house. I'm hoping to spend some time this afternoon carving out a nice space in the basement for all of his dorm supplies.  

 

I'm Back!

 My apologies for not writing at all last week. To say that I was in a bad headspace would be an understatement. It was a rough week with several bright spots that I am trying to focus upon. Thankfully the cloud is beginning to lift and I am feeling more like myself.

The constant barrage of bad news has been overwhelming. Last week I learned that funding for the National Limb Loss Resource Center, the primary source of unbiased information for patients after an amputation. Why is unbiased important? Because every single manufacturer wants nothing more than to have first crack at the newbies.  The resource center stood to provide information and support without marketing. Apparently eliminating this resource is a necessary step towards making us great.

I mentioned bright spots last week. The best was Timmy's 11th birthday. Robby's classes were cancelled and he was able to surprise Timmy by coming home for the night to celebrate. Talk about exciting!

My little bike rider loves his new bike, but he is enthralled by his drone. He spends 18 minutes out of every waking hour flying this tool, not a toy, through the house and yard. He has surveyed our gutters, taken beautiful aerial photos and challenging himself by building obstacle courses. 

Have a great week. I'm going to soak up the sun and try to stay happy.

 

Birthday and Easter

 My Mom came down to spend her birthday and Easter weekend at our house. Her traveling anywhere overnight is a rare occurrence and one that sparked great excitement for Timmy. He spent Friday evening helping Robby bake her birthday cake while Saturday was spent cleaning and decorating for her arrival. Hopefully she was able to feel how special she is to us and to so many!

Sunday was all about Easter. The bunny hopped around the yard in the morning in anticipation of Timmy's enthusiastic collection. My sister, my niece and nephew drove down for dinner in the afternoon. It was nice to have a full house. This was our first time hosting since we have been fully unpacked. With two full kitchens, it turns out this is an amazing house for entertaining.

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. Today I'm facing reality. I really don't want to do that! Hopefully we will get some idea on future plans for Timmy's school and my employment. Please send us good thoughts!