Regrouping

My mom's pain is lessening and her mobility is improving. It was hard to leave her yesterday afternoon, but with my sister and her kiddos home during the evening, I felt comfortable going home knowing that she won't be alone.  I'll be returning for the weekend, and soon if needed, but I wanted to get the boys home for Halloween celebrations.

Between my mom's surgery and the chaos and heartbreak of dealing with my brother, I had completely lost the Halloween excitement. If I had my way, I would turn off the lights and forget about the holiday altogether. But with a 12-year-old a 4-year-old, canceling trick-or-treat isn't an option. I'm hoping to recapture some of the fun today by baking spooky cookies with the kids. Even if I don't feel the mood, I know that my boys deserve to be excited and celebrate. 

I want to thank everybody who reached out and offered support during the past few days. I am both heartbroken and relieved that my brother is in jail. Hopefully, he will dry out and gain some perspective. I am not optimistic, but I always have hope.  

The Real Monster

My Mom continues to recover from her knee surgery. The fact that she is feeling both stronger and less pain has been the bright spot in an otherwise dismal weekend. The rest of the weekend has been a nightmare.

Drugs are a horrible scourge, so those impacted still hide in shame. My brother has been addicted to drugs and alcohol for nearly 25 years and over that time I have watched his demise and spiral out of control. I thought I had witnessed his bottom so many times, but each time he demonstrated that he was capable of diving deeper into the darkness.  Nothing over the past 25 years prepared me for the monster that emerged over the weekend.

With my Mom out of commission, I tried to pick up the support reigns with my brother. When he called and asked me to send him some food because he was both homeless and hungry, I obliged. I ordered him a sandwich and Gatorade from Subway for delivery. My act of kindness was met with greedy wrath.

He called me and demanded that I send him more food, cigarettes, and beer.  When I refused, he became belligerent.  When I refused again, he became abusive. I ended up blocking his number to the house phone so my Mom could rest. The berating threats continued through text messaging.
You are a whore.
You are ugly.
You are fat.
You are worthless.
I hope you get cancer again and die.
I hope your children die.
You are disgusting.
You should make me happy by killing yourself.

These are only the texts that I feel comfortable sharing, and those with the expletives removed. He became far more threatening as time passed and when he wasn't getting the money was demanding. He detailed both his hatred for me and his plans to kill my family. He was graphic and engaged.

He doesn't realize that I am desensitized to his abuse. After each message I responded with the same words.  "I love you. Please get help."  Engaging him in any other way only causes more ire.

I am accustomed to his verbal abuse and threats of violence, but I was surprised when the police showed up at my Mom's house on Friday afternoon.  He actually called the police to report me for abuse! He had bragged in an earlier text that he was reporting me for molesting my children, but I didn't think he would actually follow through with his threat. When the officer showed up I simply handed him my phone so that he could read the exchanges. The officer took his name and number and promised to follow-up with the Austin police for wasting his time and resources.

My brother is currently living in Austin, which is my only solace in this horrific situation. I sleep better knowing that the monster is too far away to show up at my door. It feels odd calling this monster my brother, because the brother that I knew and loved died many years ago. His body is still moving, overtaken by a demon. I no longer recognize this person.

I found out this morning that my brother has been arrested (again.)  I feel guilty for feeling relieved that he is no longer able to harass and threaten the family. For a little while, I will sleep easier. I continue to hope that my brother finds sobriety and recovers, but I am resigned to the fact that the decades of abuse have caused irreversible damage.

My heart is broken.

Update

My Mom was released yesterday afternoon. She continues to experience considerable pain, but we are all happy to have her at home. Her dog is especially delighted and hasn't left her side since she came into the house. Hopefully, the pain will begin to wane today and each day she will discover more comfort.  

Today, and through the weekend, will be spent keeping Mom comfortable. 

Recovery

Mom's surgery went well.  She is in pain but the surgeon feels that the new knee cap will help her maintain stability and remain more comfortable when she walks. Of course, she has to heal from the surgical pain before she will reap the benefits and right now that is the priority. She spent the night in the hospital for pain control, but hopefully she will be released today. 

Robby, Timmy and I are at my Mom's house to prepare for her return and to help her during the recovery. I'm thankful that we have the flexibility to adjust our schedules to be able to help her. Heaven knows she has spent enough time helping me recover from surgeries!

Worried

The next few days will be a bit wonky for our family. Instead of going through our normal schedule, we will be heading to Pennsylvania. We are planning to stay at least a week to help my mom recover from surgery.  She has nursed me after surgeries more times than I can remember. It is odd being on the other end of the relationship, but I vow to do my best!

Today my mom will be going into surgery to have her prosthetic kneecap replaced. Although she has been doing well since her bilateral knee replacements six years ago. Unfortunately, one of her kneecaps has shifted and needs to be replaced. The surgeon promises that both the procedure and the recovery are considered "easy," but that did little to calm our anxiety. Until my mom is fully recovered and out of pain, I am going to worry.

Please send her some good thoughts today. I know that she is going to be fine, but having her go into surgery at all is worrisome.  

Sleep Interrupted.

Yesterday morning I was up at 5 but not by choice. This time I wasn't awoken by an excited and precocious four-year-old; rather, I was roused by an uninvited phone call.  We received a robocall announcement from Scott's school, informing all staff of a credible threat made by a student. My mind immediately propelled into panic mode.

As my mind was conjuring the worst case scenarios I continued to listen to the announcement. The student who made the threat had been apprehended without incident. Talk about a whirlwind of emotions in a short period of time! I would have preferred to have been awoken by Timmy. He is far more predictable than a telephone call. 

Even though we were assured that the student was apprehended and that the school was deemed safe, and despite the assurances of an increase in police presence, it was hard for me to relax. My anxiety quickly turned to anger as I reflected upon now living in a society where school threats are becoming commonplace. 

My mood lifted through the day simply because I was distracted by work and my kids. As the night rolled around, my frustrated anger returned. Between the kids and work, I have so many good reasons to worry and fret. Worrying that my husband may be gunned down in a school should not be one of them!

Disconnected

Saturday I had to work, which was a bummer because the weather was beautiful. Sunday I was determined to spend some quality time with the family so I logged off the computer for the day. It was oddly empowering to turn the computer off and to break the electronic tether that has become my norm. Instead of working, we all headed to Pumpkinville for the day.

Timmy was ecstatic to show his brother and daddy around one of his favorite places. Robby Rotten, the snarky tween who has recently invaded my son's body, stayed away all day long. Robby and Timmy played beautifully together, giggling among the hay bales and racing each other on the giant slides. Timmy was over-the-moon to be playing with his hero all afternoon!

I thoroughly enjoyed having Scott and Robby along during this Pumpkinville visit. Typically I am Timmy's playmate because I'm usually the only one there. I don't mind going down the slides and meandering through the mazes, but I was certainly happy to relinquish the role for the day. I loved being able to relax and just watch the brothers play.  

My weekend was shortened by a day, but we definitely made the most of it. I think I'll start to disconnect more often. I certainly feel more rested, centered and happier than I have in a long time!