The Leg Lamp...

I absolutely love the Christmas season. As a matter of fact, frequent nightmares this time of year generally involve my somehow "sleeping through" or missing the holiday. I was disappointed when my surgery was postponed until after the holidays, but slightly gleeful because I would be healthy for the holidays.

This year I have decided to make Christmas as special as possible for Robby. He is at the age where he openly accepts and believes everything his Mommy tells him. For him the lights, sights, smells and wonders of the season are nothing short of magical. I love seeing him looking around and absorbing everything he sees.

I don't mind the crowded stores or the long lines. Truth be told, I completed the majority of my shopping in the fall when I thought I would be recovering from surgery during December. I take the increased road traffic in stride, and try to view it as an opportunity to sing more carols with Robby. Unfortunately Robby has begun to ask me to quit singing. This request makes me sad.

Yes, my kitchen is a mess from the seemingly endless supply of cookies coming from the ovens. I have colored sugar and sprinkles absolutely everywhere. Robby's new favorite "special treat" is cookie sprinkles in a small cup. Unfortunately, he is three and tends to spill things. There is not a room in my house that is devoid of cookie sprinkles at the moment. I was taking a shower yesterday and "found" three candy holly leaves stuck to my rear!

There remains, however, one aspect of the Christmas season that I dislike. It started out as a little joke in a delightful movie. Over the years it has grown in scope and is becoming a distorted symbol of the holiday season.

Yes, I'm talking about the leg lamp from The Christmas Story.

Every year I receive several cards which prominently feature the leg lamp along with a witty note about "making some extra money with extra legs" or "have you ever thought of doing this?" I know that my friends (and family) who send the cards mean well. They are trying to be funny.

I suppose I never found the lamp humorous before my amputation. I always took the lamp to be a minor subplot in the movie and never gave it much thought. Now this strange Christmas icon seems to remind everybody of me, or at least of my amputation.

Since my amputation the leg lamp has come to symbolize something which I feel is the antithesis of the Christmas season. For me, the lamp reminds me of devotees. For those of you who don't know, devotees are individuals who are sexually attracted to amputees, primarily the female amputee. Devotees have stalked, harassed and taken unsolicited pictures of me.

Every time I receive a leg lamp card or gift, I imagine a devotee sitting in a dark corner of his bedroom, looking at (and acting upon) the same image, experiencing a different type of Christmas cheer. The leg lamp now represents the sexual perversion of devotees. It certainly puts the image in a different perspective, doesn't it?

The leg lamp is a harmless and funny Christmas reference for most Americans. It is permeating popular Christmas culture. Leg lamp Christmas lights, night lights, cards, ornaments and assorted decorations are now becoming increasingly popular. I can't go to a drugstore without seeing a string of 18 legs hanging overhead! And yes, my mind immediately imagines the pervert in a sleeveless t-shirt sitting on a mattress in the corner of his mother's dank basement, staring lustfully at his set of twinkly leg lights strung among the rafters.

Over the years I have received sundry assorted leg lamp referenced Christmas decorations. Tucked away in the back of my closet I have at least 3 strands of lights, 2 night lights, several ornaments and one very odd leg themed shower curtain. I am certain that other amputees have similar collections.

Please, do not send me anything leg lamp related. For me, the iconic leg lamp does not evoke the spirit of Christmas. I would much rather receive a hearty "Merry Christmas" and avoid all references to what, to me, symbolizes true perversion. Ick.