Working It Out

Every once in awhile I find myself in a funk about my limb loss. Most of the time I take the obstacles in stride, trying to find the humor in my new situation. Although it rarely happens, I would be lying if I didn't admit to my "why me" moments. Last Friday I was having a bout of what I have dubbed to be the "amputation blues."

In part, my "why me" moments are intensified because I have a limited number of people to whom I can vent. I know that many of my friends mean well, but it is not productive to counter a "why me" with the classic "why not you" argument. Although I see the logic, for me it only serves to invalidate my feelings.

Perhaps more than the "why not you" argument, I despise being lectured because "there are so many people worse off. You're lucky it was only your foot." This rationale is often posed by my four-limbed friends. I immediately become defensive and bite my tongue to stop a probable sarcastic retort.

I do not need to be reminded that I'm lucky to be alive. In addition to being an amputee, I am a cancer survivor. I think about my mortality daily. I don't need to be reminded that I'm lucky to have my remaining limbs. I know that my friends mean well, but diminishing my frustrations simply makes me want to take off my leg and hit them over the head with it!

I have learned that every amputee has "why me" moments. Knowing that I'm not alone in experiencing these emotions is helpful. I vowed years ago no longer to fight the wallowing. I have given myself permission to cry, scream, hide and mourn... for exactly 24 hours.

After 24 hours, I style my hair, put on make-up and stay busy until the feelings pass. This weekend I cut another half cord of firewood, gathered twelve bags of kindling and caulked all of my outdoor windows. I managed to install a wall heater in my bedroom and repair our bathroom hooks. The leaves have been raked from all of our flowerbeds, and I helped our neighbor spread a ton of topsoil.

I have worked away the "amputation blues," but I do have to admit that I'm exhausted! Thankfully I am feeling better and my "to do" list has been trimmed. All things considered, it was a productive weekend.