Unspoken Rules

I anticipated a considerable amount of emotional fluctuations during this trip.  Trying to provide comfort to my Dad through the dying process is utterly heartbreaking. Instead of considering the end result of these efforts, I found I am only able to cope if I live in the moment. The ultimate reality is too much to comprehend, and grieving now will do nothing to thwart the emotions when the time occurs.  Again, avoidance is my go-to coping mechanism.

While I knew that the trip would be difficult, I was unprepared about my need to carefully navigate through the treacherous family dynamics. Everybody is stressed which has exacerbated already tender relationships. I have struggled to find my role in his care taking team, but after trial and error I think I have finally figured it out.

I help my dad when requested, but only when his primary caretaker is unavailable.  Helping when the primary is present seems to result in a conflict.  I have taken to asking questions about care to the primary, not the patient. Offers of assistance are misinterpreted as criticism of the care being rendered.

While I have to admit that I am disheartened by the never verbalized rules, at this point I don't have the energy to contest. I wouldn't say that I don't care, nor would I deny being extremely hurt by the situation. I spent much of yesterday crying tears of frustration. After all, being pushed away and rejected never feels good!

 However, at this juncture, I will do anything to avoid conflict because it puts undo stress on my Dad.  I am accepting the rules because I am a guest to a very personal journey.  My voicing my feelings aloud at this time, although it might be feel cathartic in the moment, would not be constructive given the situation.

I will sort through the emotions of rejection and disrespect later because right now I need my energy to focus on my Dad. (Thank goodness I have a blog!) His time is short and I want it to be drama-free.