Egg Shells are Cracking

I woke up yesterday missing my boys terribly, but a Skype visit with them both soothed my frazzled Mom heart. I love technology! Although I am not there to hold and kiss them, seeing their faces did wonders. (I was especially concerned that Timmy would not remember me, but I could tell by the way his little face lit up when he saw me that my fears were for naught.)

Everyday I see my Dad grow just a little weaker. His mind is still sharp, which is a mixed blessing.  Although his body won't quite work the way he would like, it is reassuring to be able to just sit and talk with him. On the other hand, he is fully aware that his body is failing and expresses frustration and embarrassment over the changes occurring. He has always been a proud man, and experiencing these changes has not been easy for him to accept. 

During those moments he is struggling, I find myself desperate to find a way to ease his pain. Most of the time I come up empty, leaving me feeling utterly helpless.  All I can do is remind him that it is okay, and that the changes will not be his legacy. Still, I wish I could do more. 

I continue to step on eggshells, always cognizant of the fact that I am the guest during a private journey. I escape upstairs as much as possible so that I do not intrude in the quiet time between a husband and wife. I sit with my Dad when his wife is running errands or at work, but other than that I try to disappear.  Weighing the needs and desires of my Dad against the stress and disruption in their home is something I am constantly trying to balance. 

Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, I feel like I am failing.  I have contemplated staying at a hotel and visiting my Dad when his wife needs to run errands or work. Although he protests that plan, it may be the best option.  During this time he deserves nothing but peace.  Although unintended, my being here is obviously creating turmoil.

For the sake of my father's comfort I feel obligated to try to remedy the situation, and physically leaving during the day may be the best option.  I guess this will sort itself out today.