Ready to Rumble...

It took me two days to work through the mountain of laundry that we accumulated during our vacation. I'm not positive but I'm fairly certain that my house became dirtier in our absence. Only after being home for a few days did I realize the dirt, cobwebs and clutter that had accumulated. Needless to say, after conquering the housework and laundry, I feel like I'm ready for another vacation!

I think that part of blame for my post vacation fatigue lies with my leg. The past few days have been uncomfortable, but I can't say that I've been in pain. Rather, I find myself acutely aware of each step I take. The bottom of my limb is sore and my knee feels weak as if it is going to buckle especially when I'm walking up stairs.

It didn't take long for me to problem solve my limb issue, but unfortunately the only thing that will help is time and rest. I spent the lion share of last week logging miles of walking on my water leg. Although it is great in the pool, it is certainly not designed for long distance ambulating. The socket is old (fabricated six years ago) and doesn't provide an ideal fit. I never bothered to get it changed because the buoyancy of the pool kept me from fully appreciating how uncomfortable the leg had become. It wasn't until I logged several miles a day trying to wear it that I realized the degree that my leg had become outdated.

The toes of the rubber foot have rotted away further compromising my gait. The ankle is fixed, and I have to lift from my hip in order to take a step. For some reason my knee slightly hyper extends with each step. Although it doesn't bother me during short distances, such as getting into and out of the pool, it became exhausting and painful after walking throughout the resort.

Right now my leg is angry with me for wearing an ill-fitting and broken leg. I know that it will feel better in a few days, but I admit that I'm frustrated. I know that these thoughts aren't productive, but at this moment I wish that I didn't have to deal with prosthetic issues.

Because I have no intention of avoiding water activities, I am starting the process for a new water leg. As if my aggravations with my current situation weren't great enough, I'm sure that my insurance adjustor Elsie will contribute to my frustrations. As far as I can tell, her real talent lies with wielding the "Denial" stamp. I guess we'll see who wins because I'm ready to fight.

Tips for Adjustment

One of the favorite aspects of my job lies with the people whom I meet. I enjoy meeting with individuals who have just become amputees, or those who are considering a delayed amputation, primarily because I lacked any one-on-one support when I started my journey. Remembering the isolation and fear that I felt continues to push me towards reaching out to offer support, insights and answers.

Although each individual is unique, some aspects seem to be universal. I find myself offering the same advice, so I thought it might be valuable to write about it. Below are my primary tips for adjusting to and living with limb loss.

Give yourself time. Everybody heals at a different rate. Just because somebody is up and using a prosthesis within six weeks does not mean that you are a failure or weak because your body hasn't recovered. The physical trauma that is sustained by the body when losing a limb is profound, so try to relax and remove the timeline from healing.

It is okay to grieve. I find that this needs to be stressed to those whom have undergone a delayed amputation. Just because you had some control over the timeline of your limb loss does not mean that the loss is less acute. It is okay to miss your limb; it was part of your body your entire life!

Give words to your emotions and find people to whom you can express them freely. When asked about my recovery, I  would always smile and say, "I'm doing okay." While this answer seemed to satisfy the question, in reality it was far from the truth. I was sad, angry, scared, in pain and feeling ugly. Worried that nobody would want to be around me if they knew that I wasn't nearly as well-adjusted as I seemed, I continued the charade. I spent the first 18 months of my amputee life feigning happiness and suffering silently.

Finally, I had to give myself permission to talk about my true experiences. Not feeling compelled to hide my true feelings to spare the discomfort of others has been liberating and supported my emotional recovery. If you don't find talking comfortable, try writing. In my opinion, the emotions will become toxic if you don't find a way to give them a voice.

Your body is different and it is normal to have body image issues after an amputation. The physical form that you've had for your entire life has been altered. It takes awhile to learn to adjust and to accept the changes. Although it might seem impossible, eventually living without your limb will feel normal.

Bad days are inevitable, and you are entitled to feel them. It is okay to visit the sadness and grief from time to time. I am a firm believer that we all have to visit those dark places in order to rally and come back stronger. I've been an amputee for a decade, yet I still experience those "I miss my leg" moments. I have learned to allow myself to wallow and feel sad, but I am also careful to pick myself up the next day and move forward. 

Keeping an open dialog with your prosthetist is paramount. Relying upon an ill-fitting socket can be painful and disabling. If you can't talk to your prosthetist or if you feel that you are not receiving quality care, it is your right to go somewhere else. The amputee is the consumer in the relationship. The prosthetist is not giving you a prosthesis; you are buying it and you deserve to be happy and comfortable.

Find a support system to help you transition and adjust. Having not only cheerleaders but also individuals who are able to provide first hand experience can be extremely beneficial. Solicit the input and experiences of others who have been living with limb loss.

Finally, it does get easier. I remember everything feeling laborious and exhausting. Nothing felt normal and I felt foreign in my own body. I was certain that I had made a huge mistake and was destined to live the remainder of my life in misery. One day during lunch I realized that I hadn't yet cursed my prosthesis. In that moment I realized that I was adjusting and that I was going to be okay.

It takes time and it isn't always easy, but life can be fabulous after limb loss. Eventually the limb loss will not define you but it will be relegated to a part of what makes you unique. Adjusting to a major life change is never easy, but know that you aren't alone and that there are legions of people who are willing to help.

Pancake Revolution

Robby is an extremely active child who prefers playing to watching television. He typically watches a few minutes of cartoons in the morning as he wakes up and select shows with his Daddy at night. Other than those times, he only sits and watches TV when he is sick. It's a good thing that he doesn't zone out in front of the television because he is a sucker for commercials!

I am amazed at how versed he has become in commercial jingles, tag lines and money back guarantees. We can't walk through the grocery store without his picking up a product and reenacting the spokesperson spiel. I am bombarded down the aisles with pleas to buy the latest miracle product he spies on the shelves.

Although he has a talent for pitching cleaning products, his true passion lies with infomercial products. He is easily swayed by the often frantic demonstrations and the money back guarantees. When I try to employ logic he only becomes more adamant in his sales pitch. "It works Momom. They showed it on TV. See, I told you it works. We neeeeeed this!"

For some unknown reason, his favorite product is the "perfect pancake pan." He has been mesmerized with this pan since he saw it advertised for the first time, and I am bombarded with pleas, justifications and begging every time we see it in the store. Despite the fact that I don't have a problem flipping pancakes, he is utterly convinced that my kitchen is deprived because I don't own one. 

A few days ago while Robby was playing with his Legos, I turned on Spongebob and told my little builder that I would be in the computer room if he needed me.  About five minutes later I heard him running down the hall before frantically pounding on the door. In a hurried voice he asked me if I had a major credit card. I thought it was an odd question, but needing to finish my project I decided it was best to just answer and not ask any questions. He quickly closed the door and went running down the hallway.

As the minutes passed I could hear Robby running around the house and up and down the stairs. I finally decided to abandon my work when I heard the front door slam closed. I found him running up the stairs, talking on the phone with his little hand wrapped around my debit card. 

He must have sensed my displeasure by the look on my face because he immediately began to justify his actions. "Don't worry Momom. I'm just getting you a present. It's okay, the man on the phone told me all I had to do was read him the numbers and then you will never tear another pancake. It's going to be great Momom. It's Guar-AN-Teed!"

I took the phone away from his eager little ear and calmly spoke to the individual on the other end. Robby apparently called the 800 number on the infomercial and was in the process of ordering the Perfect Pancake Pan. Thank goodness I caught him with my debit card before he read the numbers. A few minutes later and I'd be part of the "pancake revolution."

Home Sweet Home

We had a great time on our Bahamian vacation. With the exception of one day, the weather cooperated providing us with sunny and warm days to spend playing in the pools and ocean. Robby was partial to visiting the aquarium (which we did at least a dozen times) and feeding the various sea animals. Of course feeding the Koopas was his all-time favorite activity and one which we did at each opportunity. 

However, all good things must come to an end, and Saturday morning we woke and headed home. Robby's tears which he shed on the way to the airport were a distant memory as soon as Charlie Cat met us at the door. It was certainly more fun carrying the luggage to the car before we left versus lugging it all back inside after we came home.

Yesterday while Robby happily played with his feline friend, I trudged my way through the mountain of laundry that we had accumulated on our vacation. I continue to be astounded that three people can dirty so many clothes! Scott spent the majority of the day vegging out in front of the television, flipping between various sporting events and movies that he has seen at least a dozen times. I think that we all needed space and time to decompress after the non-stop togetherness and excitement during the past week. Few words were exchanged, and we all seemed content being alone in our separate rooms.

The quiet broke as soon as I put dinner on the table. Robby started chatting about our vacation and relived his favorite adventures. I was happy to be sitting around our dining room table, eating food that I prepared. Although the food at the resort was good, after awhile it all started to taste the same. It was nice to have familiar and distinct flavors again.

Although I could use another day or two to decompress, today I resume our summer schedule. I'm still feeling out of sorts and I'm having a difficult time prioritizing my projects. Hopefully I'll be able to figure out where to start soon because I feel like I'm spinning my wheels right now. I guess my brain is still lounging in the Bahamas.

A Wonderful Day!

We had a wonderful day yesterday playing in the pools, splashing in the ocean and exploring the resort. The sun was shining bright against the bluest skies I have ever seen, but the constant gentle breeze kept the temperatures bearable.  To be succinct, it was a perfect day!

After swimming for a few hours in the morning, we ducked out of the pool to make it to the Turtle Lagoon in time for the feeding. Robby was in his element feeding the turtles. We stayed for nearly an hour watching them munch nasty looking cabbage. I never would have imagined I would spend an hour watching turtles eat, but Robby was so excited that it was a highlight of my day.

I probably climbed at least 500 stairs with all of the water slides that Robby and I rode. We also walked at least two miles (round trip) to feed the turtles. Because we began our day in the pool, I was wearing my water leg which is not designed for walking. The leg is comprised of a Sach foot,  a molded rubber foot which offers no energy return. All of the effort to ambulate must be generated in my knee and hip which after several hours becomes laborious and exhausting. It is great for playing in the water but is barely functional for walking on land. Needless to say, by the time we climbed out of the pool for the final time, I could barely hobble to our hotel room.

Today we will continue the fun with another day of swimming and wave jumping. We're also going to feed the turtles (again) and visit some baby turtles who just hatched. Robby doesn't know about this adventure, and I can hardly wait until we reveal the surprise!  It's hard to believe that our vacation is coming to an end, but I can honestly say that we've had a great time.

Snorkeling!

Yesterday morning we woke up to dreary weather, and I began to wonder if our snorkeling adventure was going to materialize. Trying to put the weather worries aside, we went to breakfast. My boys have an affinity for the all-you-can-eat gorging, and by the time we were done (90 minutes later), the skies had cleared.

Robby was ecstatic about going snorkeling in the ocean whereas I was a tad more cautious. I was worried about his safety and my losing my leg. This is the first time I have been snorkeling since becoming an amputee, and I wasn't sure how to proceed. My water leg doesn't really help me swim, and it actually becomes more cumbersome than helpful in deep water. However after much debate, Scott and I decided it would be best to wear my water leg simply because it would be easier (and less embarrassing) climbing onto and out of the boat.

Once it was decided that I would wear the leg, I began preparations for tethering the prosthesis to my body. I know too many amputees who have lost their prosthetics to the waves and current. Knowing that I was going to be floating around in the deep ocean, I didn't want to risk losing suction. Having my prosthesis stolen by the waves would certainly hinder on our vacation!

With the help of a family friend before the trip, we refurbished a boogie board tether to create a makeshift prosthetic leash. Yesterday I wrapped the Velcro strap around the ankle and provided extra security with a safety pin. I then put the handle of the tether through a belt appropriated from an old pair of shorts and strapped it around my waist. I am sure that my contraption looked odd, especially the beige belt, but the extra security that it provided outweighed the stares and second glances.

With my prosthesis tethered and Robby and Scott finned up and ready to go, we all hopped into the ocean. Robby was initially nervous, clinging to me with a look of sheer panic on his face. We finally convinced him just to relax and to float. Within a few minutes he was gently paddling through the reef, reaching to pet the fish (which managed to stay safely out of reach) and following creature he found interesting. Eventually I began to relax, trusting that Robby was safe and happy.

We had a great afternoon snorkeling, and thankfully my leg never lost suction. While my prosthesis did not help me swim, it was easy for me to climb back onto the boat. The fact that I didn't have to be hoisted by the crew was worth the effort of donning the odd looking tether!

Today will be spent playing in the pools and in the ocean. We are scheduled to help the aquarium staff feed the giant turtles this afternoon, an event that Robby has been eagerly anticipating since we arrived. The weather is supposed to be beautiful, and I'm sure we are going to have a great day!

Rain Delay

Yesterday was spent dodging the raindrops and trying to take advantage of the brief breaks between storms. This resort is wonderful when the weather is nice, but indoor activities are limited especially if you want to keep room charges to a minimum.  Thankfully Robby is content looking through the aquariums in the lobby, and he didn't seem the mind standing in the torrential downpours to look at the turtles in the lagoons in front of the hotel.

We took full advantage of the time between thunderstorms by hitting the Lazy River and the pools. A light rain was not enough of a deterrent to keep us from the water, but we headed for cover each time we felt the winds pick up and heard the thunder rumbling towards us. I wish we had been able to spend hours splashing, but mother nature did not cooperate.

Because we were stuck inside today, we spent a lot of time walking through the various hotel lobbies in the resort. I was struck by the fact I haven't seen anybody else with a disability. I'm accustomed to being the only amputee, but it is rare to encounter another person with some sort of handicap. I am used to seeing people on crutches, in wheelchairs or reliant upon a walker or cane. I haven't seen anybody reliant on anything other than their biological limbs. It is a strange feeling to be the only one with a disability, but I am not letting that stop me.  We have been having a great time!

The weather is supposed to be clear today which is good news because we are going on a snorkeling excursion. Robby is hoping to see some colorful fish. I'm hoping to survive the boat trip without becoming sea sick. Let's hope we both get our wishes!