Special Surprise

Timmy has a propensity for early mornings which is not my preference. Ever since my chemo treatment, mornings have been even more difficult. Each morning I wake up feeling as if I have the flu. My limbs are heavy, my thoughts disoriented and my body is weak. Needless to say, it is beginning to be depressing!

In addition to what I have dubbed the "chemo flu," yesterday morning was especially difficult because of my wrist. It is still tender and sore, reminding me that I am injured each time I move incorrectly or try to use my fingers without deliberate thought. While I knew that I was pushing the limits of Timmy's patience, and that he could start screaming at any moment, I just couldn't seem to get my body motivated to move. I managed to get moving and to Timmy before he morphed into a full blown meltdown, saving the boys from an unwelcome wake up call.

I was sitting in my rocking chair, watching Hamlet happily chase a ball around the living room floor while feeling especially sorry for myself. I don't throw pity parties often, but when I do, I usually make sure that they are spectacular! I was in the midst of a full blown wallowing session when I opened my email and read a message that immediately brought me out of my self-imposed darkness.

Somebody, I don't know who, sent me a gift card for Toys R Us. I was shocked by the generous gift and, although it was given anonymously, I want the giver to know how much it is appreciated. I remain completely overwhelmed by the loving gesture. It feels like I have been inundated with negativity and sadness lately. Receiving the anonymous gift was the lift that I needed to remind me that caring and wonderful people do exist. I consider myself truly blessed to have so many people care about me. 

We are putting the gift card towards the swing set we have been coveting and, thanks to my anonymous friend, it will be delivered in time for Timmy's birthday party.  Robby was so excited to learn that we are finally getting the swing set, something that he has been wanting for several years now. I know that Timmy will probably enjoy swinging as much as his big brother, but he just doesn't know it yet. 

So to whomever sent me the unexpected gift, I want to say thank you.  Not only for the present, but for caring and reminding me that life is wonderful. I respect your anonymity, but please know that I will think of you every time I swing with my boys. 

Injured Reserve- again

This was my Mom's birthday weekend, and I was hoping that it would be as memorable and special as she.  I managed to find what I think was the perfect gift for her: a gnome bird bath. I knew that she was going to love it, and I couldn't wait to see her face when I gave it to her.  I'm typically not good at keeping secrets, but I managed to give her the gift without ruining it first. 

After meeting my mom and sister at our typical halfway point (a McDonald's parking lot), we decided to go to lunch. I was child free, so it didn't take much convincing for me to spend more time away from home! Other than the two weeks caring for my Dad, which hardly counts as carefree, I can't remember the last time I was able to enjoy an afternoon without at least one of my kids in tow. 

We decided to go to Glory Days in Frederick MD, mainly because the offerings in the area are extremely limited.  Our lunch was enjoyable, nothing stellar from a culinary perspective but it was nice to just sit and relax. Knowing that I had a long drive home, I visited the ladies room before leaving. As I was walking out of the restroom, my happy afternoon turned into a disaster.

A waitress, obviously in a hurry and not looking, came around the corner and plowed into me. I felt like a hockey player as I was body checked into the wall, only I didn't have the benefit of wearing protective pads. She was little, but she was moving so quickly that the momentum of her hit managed to move me several feet.

As I limped back to the table, I knew something was wrong. My Mom took one look at me and immediately knew that I had injured my wrist. It was swollen, tender to touch and painful to move. I didn't want to admit it, but eventually I couldn't deny the reality that I had been injured.

Our plans of meeting halfway were for futile because she ended up having to drive me home. (My sister drove behind us in her car so that my Mom would have a ride back home.) My wrist continued to swell during the drive, and by the time we pulled onto our street, I had resigned myself to needing an x-ray. 

My Mom and sister ended up babysitting the boys so that Scott could take me to the emergency room. After a few hours I returned home with my hand immobilized in a splint.  The x-rays revealed no obvious breaks, which is good news. I was diagnosed with a severe bone contusion with possible ligament and tendon issues, and I was provided with a referral for a hand/wrist specialist.  In the meantime, I am to keep my hand in the splint and my movements to a minimum.

Yet again my Mom ended up coming to my rescue. On a day that was supposed to honor and spoil her, she ended up driving down to Virginia and taking care of my boys. I definitely owe her a birthday do-over! In the meantime, I am going to visit the hand specialist and hope that everything heals quickly. I'm extremely frustrated that I am hurt, especially since I did absolutely nothing wrong! (Unlike my concussion, which is completely my fault.)

Head Banger

Yesterday was not one of my best days.

My morning started off on a positive note when Elliot was able to adjust my socket to alleviate the pain I was feeling. It is amazing how much lighter I always feel when I am walking without discomfort! Timmy was even quasi-cooperative during the appointment, which bolstered my hopes for a good day.

Unfortunately the day went downhill after I left his office. Timmy's mood soured almost as soon as I buckled him into his car seat. He proceeded to scream the entire drive home (nearly 60 minutes due to construction traffic). I thought that the meltdown would have tired him out. Instead his energy seemed to be intensified by his ire. By the time we arrived home he was a sweaty, angry mess and I was exhausted with a headache. 

Timmy settled down long enough for him to eat his lunch before I had to put him in the car to go work with Abby. He loudly vocalized his displeasure at being put back into the car and only stopped screaming when he finally dozed off -about 15 minutes before we arrived.  Needless to say, he was not amused at being woken up and moved when we arrived.

Abby was not feeling well, so our appointment was shortened. After I strapped a wiggly Hamlet into his car seat, I walked to the end of the driveway to open the wrought iron gates. With my head bent down (looking for the latches in the ground) I pushed on the gate. In a flash the gate flew back, hitting me squarely on the top of my forehead. 

I felt pain, and then I felt the gravel driveway beneath my cheek when I fell.  I had managed to knock myself out. The rest of the day I was disoriented, tired and frustrated by the ringing in my ears. I called the doctor which turned out to be a waste of time. I was told to avoid strenuous activities, not to hit my head again for six weeks, and not to drive any heavy machinery.  (I guess I'll have to put off participating in that demolition derby another month.)

I spent the rest of the afternoon trying (in vain) to focus and work. I finally acquiesced to the injury and shut down my computer early.  Hopefully today will be a better day because I think I am overdue!

Procrastination Mistake

This morning I am headed to see Elliot for a socket adjustment, and the appointment could not come soon enough. During the past few days I have developed a knot on the front of the bone which has become extremely painful. I suspect that the knot is the result of a misaligned socket that, to be completely honest I should have addressed weeks ago when I first started to notice. Unfortunately between my Dad being sick and ultimately dying and my work commitments, I just haven't been able to carve out the time in my schedule to take care of my leg.

Lesson learned, and I am now dealing with the true life consequences of my procrastination. The slight rubbing caused some inflammation, which in turned created more friction between my leg and the socket. I am now at the point where I have spot the circumference of a baseball on my bone that is red, inflamed and tender to the touch.

I have been trying to stay off my leg as much as possible, but being a Mom makes it is nearly impossible to stay off my feet. Timmy is into absolutely everything and loves nothing more than being pushed in his little stroller trike next to his big brother riding his new bicycle. Although I have thoroughly enjoyed spending so much time outside with my boys, I am now dealing with the result of all of the walking in a misaligned socket. 

Needless to say, right now I am not terribly fond of being an amputee. I am tired of having to schedule adjustments and new sockets into my already overflowing life. I just want things to be easy and maintenance free. I wish that I didn't have to worry about these issues and that the biggest ramification of my walking would be an occasional blister from a new pair of shoes. 

Of course, my limb loss is one thing that I definitely cannot change. I know that my mood will lift as soon as the pain wanes. Hopefully Elliot will be able to work his magic, and I'll resume my normal life this afternoon. I did learn that procrastination and prosthetics are not an advantageous combination!  The next time I sense a problem, I am going to make it a priority before it becomes a more debilitating issue.

Defeated.

Yesterday was not one of my best days of motherhood. Timmy woke up early, well before the sun rose, and appeared to regret his insistence of being sprung from his crib almost immediately. He was grumpy and difficult to comfort for two hours until he finally fell asleep (probably due to exhaustion.)  By the time he  fell asleep I had consumed two cups of coffee, jolting me awake. My going back to sleep was not going to be a viable option, so I opened up my computer and began to work.

By the time Scott left for work I already had nearly 4 hours of work under my belt for the day. It's a good thing that I was so productive early in the morning, because Timmy was a little ball of need and want all day. From the food that I provided to the way that I tried to hold and soothe him, apparently I could do nothing right. Needless to say, it was a rough day.

To add another layer of dissatisfaction to the day, my phantom ankle was aching all day. It felt like I needed to crack the joint, which was obviously not possible because it is missing. I hate those phantom sensations. It wasn't enough pain to force me to take medication, but it was just enough discomfort to be annoying and tiring. I'm sure that the rain contributed to the issue, but knowing the cause did nothing to diminish the annoyance.

By the time Scott came from from work I was treading on my last frayed nerve. I would like to think that I said hello before I handed him a red faced bundle of discontent, but to be honest I am not certain.  I just passed him off and ran straight to the bathroom.

I locked the door, took a deep breath and polished off the last of my stashed chocolate treats. Yesterday, I was defeated by an 11 month old. 

Bike Buddies

If you have been reading this blog for any length of time,  you are aware of my ongoing battle with the bike. Until my amputation I loved to ride. After I became adjusted to my prosthesis, I resumed my beloved activity, only it was modified. Instead of riding outside I limited my experience to an indoor bicycle trainer. I have used computer programs to simulate riding outside, and although it did adjust the tension on the pedals, the computer was unable to fully replicate riding outside.  There was something wonderful about feeling the wind in my face that I had come to accept was something from my past.

Although I knew that it was irrational, I developed an unyielding phobia about riding my bike outside. I became so terrified of falling that I refused to try. I did venture out a few years ago, where I proudly "conquered" my fear by riding around the neighborhood once. After my victory lap I promptly parked my bike back into the garage where it resumed gathering dust and dirt. Even though I proved my ability, the fear persisted.

During the past two weeks my little Koopa has become quite a bike rider. Right now, he loves nothing more than hopping onto his bike and taking off down the street. While he is still cautious, he is becoming more skilled and adventurous. Yesterday he even ventured off our street and meandered through the neighborhood with his friend Rowan. I can't remember the last time I saw him smile so brightly. 

On Sunday Robby asked me to ride bikes with him. I was about to make an excuse but stopped myself in mid sentence. If I asked him to conquer his fear of riding the bike, I needed to step up to the plate and do the same. After all, what would I communicate if I let my fears control my actions?

So, instead of making excuses I calmly explained my fear to Robby. I told him that I was going to try, but that I was scared of falling with my prosthetic. He gave me a kiss, told me that he believed in me and handed me a helmet. 

With that I was forced to face one of my biggest, albeit irrational, fears. I was nervous, but it turns out that the saying is true. Once you learn how to ride a bike you never forget! 

Robby and I have spent hours riding our bikes together. While Scott is watching Timmy, the two of us hop on and just pedal and talk.  He has dubbed us "bike buddies," which is a title I proudly wear considering the phobia I had to conquer to receive it. Of course, I am not naive enough to believe that my "bike buddy" distinction is without strings. As far as I can tell, it is only valid when no other friends are available for an adventure. Regardless of the fleeting honor, I am happy to assume the role of substitute riding partner. 

Lazy Weekend

What a wonderful weekend. After the chaos of the past few months, it was nice not to have anything of consequence that needed our attention. We were able to stay home and play outside because we granted ourselves permission just to relax and have fun. It has been a long time since we've had a family fun weekend, and I would say that it was long overdue!

Robby spent much of his time on his new bicycle, pedaling up our drive way and down the street. His skills as well as his confidence are growing quickly. With the exception of endurance, it is not obvious that he is a novice rider. I'm amazed at how quickly he learned after years of fear-based refusals.

While his big brother was outside riding his bike, Timmy followed along in his new stroller bike. (I know I said that I bought it for him, but truth be told I am probably enjoying it as much, if not more, than he.) He loves sitting up tall as he is wheeled through the neighborhood. He is particularly excited when Robby whizzes by him on his bike. His squeals and giggles could be heard down the street.

I am absolutely loving pushing him and spending so much time outside. I feel like I lost last summer, which makes the simple act of walking through the neighborhood even more special. I have a feeling that he and I will log a lot of miles in the coming years because I have no plans of slowing down.

Although we didn't accomplish anything tangible, this past weekend was exactly what we all needed. I think we are all approaching this week with a reduced stress thanks to our "no work" declaration. It is hard to slow down and ignore the to-do list, but I am going to try to enjoy the "lazy weekend" more often.