Productivity

My leg is feeling better. It is amazing how liberating the absence of pain feels! Last night I was actually able to sleep and today I'm feeling both energetic and refreshed. 

I still have two full days in San Francisco before returning home. This trip is a tad longer than most, and I'm starting to really feel the distance between me and my boys. At my core I am a homebody.

I won't have a lot of time to ruminate on feeling homesick over the next few days. Today and tomorrow the schedule is packed from early morning until late evening.  I don't think I'll have problems staying busy until I fly home on Sunday.While I miss the boys, I am also feeling productive which is satisfying.

Step By Step

As predicted, yesterday was bustling with activity. In between meetings and working on projects I met with the Prosthetist to test out my new socket. I find the socket fitting process frustrating under the best of circumstances. I always feel deflated when I slip into a new socket and it doesn't fit. I realize that is part of the process, and that unlike a pair of jeans the socket can and should be adjusted. But I abhor the process!

The socket did not fit correctly and was being tweaked throughout the afternoon. I know that it will eventually be perfect, but the steps that I need to take (literally and figuratively) to get to that stage are frustrating. I used to be an easy-to-fit limb. Everything changed after the surgery a few years ago. 

The re-amputation after Timmy was born completely transformed my limb. While only about an inch of bone was removed, the changes in my limb are profound. I can no longer bear weight through the bottom of my limb, and I am now hyper sensitive to the pulling sensation when trying to wear a seal-in liner. 

I should have returned to my original surgeon when I was having issues with my limb. Instead I accepted a referral for somebody local. At the time I was struggling with a newborn, recovering from a hysterectomy and in survival mode. I didn't have the energy to investigate options, so I opted for the easiest solution. In hindsight I would have done things differently, but that revelation does not help me now.

I become depressed and self-loathing when I think of the ramifications from that leg surgery. I am going to deal with the consequences every day for the rest of my life. While most of the time I have adjusted and I don't think about it, the emotions come flooding back whenever I am dealing with socket issues. Yesterday was one of those days.

Greetings from SFO

Good morning from San Francisco. 

I arrived late last night after a non eventful trip. Today is going to be extraordinarily busy, so please excuse the brevity of this blog post. Typically I enjoy the practice of leisurely drinking my coffee while writing my blog in the morning, but today I do not that that luxury. I need to chug my coffee as soon as the temperature is tolerable, hop in an UBER and head into the office.  

Timmy is happy and safe at my Mom's house. (Robby is busy with school so he stayed in Virginia.) My sweet little guy cried on the drive to the transfer point, begging to stay. It absolutely broke my heart seeing him so upset with my departure. By the time my Mom and Timmy drove away I was in tears.

According to my Mom, Timmy's crying did not last long. His sadness morphed into smiles and laughter as soon as they arrived at her home. It made me feel considerably better getting onto the plane knowing that Timmy was happy.  

Low-Key Holiday

After several doses of ibuprofen, by mid afternoon my back twinges began to relax. We decided to take advantage of the final day of the pool season by heading to splish and splash for a few hours. The boys were delighted to go play in the pool. I was looking forward to cooling off and feeling weightless in the water.  

The cool pool water was exactly what I needed to feel completely better. I could feel the nerves relaxing as I gently waded in the water with Timmy. (Robby was busy playing with a friend in the deep end of the pool.)  By the time we were ready to come home the boys were sun drunk and my back was feeling completely normal. 

The evening was spent running errands and getting ready for the week. Unfortunately, after working in the kitchen for two hours and lugging laundry around the house, my back started to twitch again. As soon as I felt the first twinge I stopped what I was doing and rested. I can't afford to become immobile due to back pain.  The housework will have to wait.

Today I'm heading to San Francisco for work, and I'll be away from home until Sunday. (I am hoping that my back is healed enough to handle the long flight.) Timmy is going to be spending the week with my Mom while Robby and Scott are busy at school.  I know that everybody will be okay in my absence, but my goodness I am going to miss them!

Ouch

I heard Hamlet up early and ready to start playing. Normally I begrudgingly get out of bed within moments of hearing him, groggy and moving at a slightly slower speed until the coffee began to course through my system. This morning was different. I found myself laying in bed for more than 30 minutes after my little mischief maker woke up. I wasn't enjoying the holiday, nor was I enjoying the solitude of having Scott get up to watch Timmy. Instead, I was physically trapped because my back muscles decided to spasm.  

I laid in bed for nearly 20 minutes, trying (and many times failing) to turn my body without twinging my back. After I finally found myself in a propped sitting position, I realized that I needed to get on my liner and leg. It took me nearly 15 minutes and a variety of poses worthy of a Cirque du Soleil performance to slip on my liner. Each time my weight shifted I felt the complaints from my middle aged back.

Tomorrow I am leaving for San Francisco, which means that I have a lengthy to do list to tackle today. Unfortunately my back failed to get the "I don't have time to be sidelined" memo. Instead of working around the house and cleaning, today will be spent alternating between heat and ice in the quest for comfort and relief.  

I hate feeling my age!

September Woes

Despite the miserable weather, we had a fantastic summer.  As August draws to a close and I prepare to turn the calendar to September, I find myself feeling nostalgic and sad. The return to the school year routine always finds me feeling a mixture of opposing emotions. I'm thankful for a comfortable routine, but depressed that the excitement and energy of having everybody at home during the summer is over. 

This emotional quagmire is nothing new. I have been struggling with the transition from August to September for as long as I can remember. Even as a young child I dreaded and resented Labor Day. I found it nearly impossible to understand why anybody could be jubilant and happy during what felt like a sad and somber holiday.

The transition to September is always depressing, but this year I'm also feeling a lot of anxiety. I'm worried about Robby's school and already fretting about how to help him be successful. I'm also feeling overwhelmed by my exceptionally busy travel schedule during the next few weeks. I am going to be away from home for work at least twelve days during the next month. Considering that I typically only travel two or three times a year for work, this schedule is heavy by my standards.

My first trip begins with my traveling to San Francisco next week. I'm approaching the trip with mixed emotions. While the timing is less than ideal because of the return to school chaos, I'm excited about my current professional projects. Since I can't do anything to about the timing of the trip I'm working to put my anxiety to the side and trying to enjoy the moment. Perhaps focusing moment by moment is my key to surviving all of September.

Repair Anxiety

Today the repairman is scheduled to return to our house to repair our fridge. Even though we were all tired and grumpy from the oppressive heatwave, last night's family activity was purging and cleaning. It took us over an hour to get rid of the expired food, half eaten tubs of dip and lone pickles that had been hiding in the recesses of our fridge.  Our freezer was littered with single hot dogs and assorted veggies that had somehow escaped their packaging. Between the freezer and the refrigerator, we filled three giant trash bags.  

After the food was relocated to either the trash can or the refrigerator and freezers downstairs, we turned our efforts to cleaning. Well, I turned my attention to cleaning. The boys retreated to the bedroom as soon as the last frozen pizza was put away. I was disgusted by the gunk that had accumulated on the shelves and within the bins!

I'll be glad when the repair is complete. The loud humming coming from the motor has been driving me batty. I feel like I am being taunted by the constant reminder that it is broken. Silence will surely be golden when everything is fixed.

Even though I'm looking forward to the repair being completed and my kitchen returning to its normal state of clutter and chaos, I am not looking forward to hosting the repairman today. I hate having people in the house when I am home alone. (The fact that Timmy is also home offers little solace.) Whenever somebody unknown is in the house I feel uneasy and paranoid.

The fact that I am an amputee definitely contributes to my uneasiness. If somebody wanted to hurt me, I worry that I'm an easy target. Even though I am strong and have taken self-defense courses, I can't help but feel vulnerable by my prosthesis.  

I hate feeling this way.