Quiet Healing

Despite my visceral overreaction to sending Timmy to his Nana's house, removing the stress and temptations that stem from wanting to take care of him has been a godsend. I miss him terribly, but the constant guilt I felt about not being able to pick him up or carry him has been eliminated. I have been able to sit with the heating pad on my stomach and heal, which is precisely what I need to be doing right now.

Timmy is both safe and happy, enjoying visiting his Nana and being spoiled by everybody in the house. I Skype with him a few times a day, not because I think he needs to see me but because I need to see his little face. If my Mom is tired of anything it is probably my pestering her about him.  She hasn't refused to answer my calls- yet.

With Scott being busy with back to school meetings all week, the house is quiet with just Robby and me. My little Koopa has enthusiastically assumed the role of helper, providing me with a near constant flow of tea, cookies and crackers. I know that I have said this before, but I couldn't ask for a better helper.

I think that these quiet days are precisely what I need to regroup and heal. Having somebody simply stay here and take care of Timmy, although much appreciated, wouldn't be as beneficial. I am too tempted to pick him up and feel guilty watching somebody else care for him. I needed to have the impulse to pick him up, even once, removed completely or I would have ended up hurting myself and delaying my recovery.  My mom, who perhaps knows my tendencies best, knew that I would recover quicker if the Mommy temptation was removed. 

I understand that this family decision has been upsetting for some, so I wanted to take this opportunity to clarify our intentions. We are not trying to exclude anybody from participating in our lives. Instead, I am doing the best I can to survive what has turned into the most difficult summer of my life.

At this moment in time, Timmy is where we need him to be so that I can heal. This isn't because we lack offers of in-home help, but rather because I do not want to contend with the overwhelming feelings of guilt and frustration that arise from not being able to help with the simplest of tasks.  Any insinuation to the contrary is simply incorrect.

I want to take this opportunity to thank everybody for supporting us through our difficult summer. We have been living in Survival Mode for the past few months, but the patient and selfless understanding that our family and friends have bestowed has made a world of difference. We are blessed to have such a strong support system.