Quietly Waiting

I should know better than to consider any plans to be definitive. When a baby is involved, plans can change in an instant. I was expecting Timmy to come home yesterday. My Mom and I had the schedule worked out, and we were all chomping at the bit to welcome our little guy home. Unfortunately, Timmy developed a fever and everything changed.

Wednesday morning my Mom phoned and let me know that Timmy had a fever. As the day progressed his temperature continued to rise despite regular dosing of Tylenol. By the time evening set in my Mom was en route to Urgent Care. Being away from him during his first illness can only be defined as tortuous. 

My Mom, recognizing my growing panic, had the foresight to conference me into the room when Timmy was examined. I was able to communicate directly with the doctor, which certainly helped to set my mind at ease. Even though I couldn't physically with him, I felt better simply knowing that I was in the loop and involved. 

The doctor seemed confident in her diagnosis of Roseola, a common childhood virus. Although I wanted to trust her, I called Timmy's pediatrician to inform her about the situation and diagnosis. I was proud of myself for remaining so calm and composed, despite my racing heart and frantic thoughts.

I was delighted when she called me back, almost as soon as I finished leaving the message. Deliberately trying to sound reassuring, she began to calmly speak.

"Mrs. Chenoweth, you need to take a deep breath and remember to breathe. Timothy is going to be okay. Please, I know that you are upset that you can't be with him, but breath and stay calm."  I felt that her constant reassurance was odd considering that I really thought I was calm. Apparently I was not nearly as stoic as I envisioned!

Timmy is still at my Mom's house and will come home as soon as his fever dissipates. I know that he is in great hands, but I selfishly want him home with me. I want to be the one rocking him and providing the comfort he needs right now. Yes, I suppose I am struggling with the omnipresent Mom guilt again.

With Timmy convalescing with my Mom, the miles seem to have grown exponentially. I've been left to sit and fret. I knew I had to get my anxiety in check when I tried to get a mug for my coffee and my neck went into an intense spasm. I spent the rest of the day alternating the heating pad from my stomach to my neck.  I can't help but feel that my body is betraying me.

Thankfully, Timmy is continuing to improve. It is amazing how quickly little ones bounce back!  I'm hopeful that he will return home in the next few days. Today I have an appointment with my surgeon to go over both my post-op progress and my biopsy results. Hopefully I'll hear good news on all accounts, and my life (and neck) can return to normal!