Bad Day

I had every intention of putting a celebratory twist on my Ampuversary, but I was never able to fully embrace happy emotions. Instead I spent much of the morning struggling with feelings of grief, inadequacy and the frustration that I wasn't jovial. By lunchtime I had fully abandoned feigning the happy-go-lucky attitude and instead permitted myself to feel the emotions I was fighting against. I was sad. Of course, the fact that we had torrential downpours against dark skies all day certainly didn't help booster my mood.

My life is extremely full and happy, yet yesterday I couldn't help but keep thinking about everything that I lost ten years earlier. There was no way around it; I missed my leg! After finally accepting my melancholy mood, I broke down crying several times throughout the day. Robby, unaccustomed to seeing me break down, took it upon himself to try to cheer me up. He brought me water, cookies, Black Bear, a blanket and tried to play the guitar for me. It was impossible not to crack a smile when he attempted the Cha-Cha Slide!
 
Scooter took me out for a nice dinner and when we returned, Robby helped me harvest our first beans of the season.  I started to cut some hydrangeas to take in the house.  Bad move.  There was a yellow jacket nest nearby and they attacked! Four bites on my ankle, three on my bum, and four---well, let's just say I was seen screaming and removing my underwear.  Scott came running with my Epi-pen (which hurts to administer by the way) and I spent the evening in the Emergency Room.

Yep, yesterday was not a good day.

I want to thank everybody for the outpouring of support I received yesterday. Personally, I'm glad that the milestone Ampuversary is behind me. Although it was a difficult day, having such a wonderful support base certainly made it easier.

Happy Fourth of July!  Have fun and stay safe.

Decade of Limb Loss

Today marks my 10 year AmpuVersary. It is difficult to fathom that I have been living as an amputee for a decade. In some ways it feels as if I have been an amputee forever, with my bi-legged life a distant memory of a life lived by somebody else. It is odd how fully I have adapted to my new existence.  Despite the familiarity of my life with a prosthetic, the memories of July 3, 2003 remain as vivid as if they occurred yesterday.

The drive from our Virginia home to the Baltimore hospital that steamy July morning were perhaps the most angst-filled moments of my life. I have never before, and have not since, felt the same terror that I experienced that morning. I remember understanding that my life was about to be irrevocably changed and feeling as if the future was completely out of my control. Despite the fear, I was confident that I couldn't continue to live in the constant pain that I had been experiencing the preceding five years. In many ways I felt like I was rolling the dice, hoping for a better life but not certain of the outcome.

Although it has been a decade, the memories of the drive to the hospital remain raw. Just remembering causes me to experience a physical reaction as if I am reliving the terror and anxiety that I felt that morning. Needless to say, I try to avoid those memories!

Remembering the fear is uncomfortable, but it has also become unexpectedly empowering. When I am overwhelmed or scared, I find myself drawing strength from the knowledge that I have survived the physical pain and the emotional quagmire that accompanied my amputation. Although it won't always be easy or comfortable, I know that I will always figure out a way to adjust to life's changes. Discovering my inner strength has allowed me to try things with one foot that I never dreamed possible before my accident.

Today is not about lamenting what was lost a decade ago. Rather, I choose to celebrate everything that I have accomplished. During the past ten years I have adjusted to many new roles, and my life is completely different than I envisioned. My desire to help others adjust to their amputation, coupled with my growing need to assist the amputee community, has taken my career out of the classroom and into arenas I never knew existed.

In addition to being an amputee, I am also a wife, a mother, an advocate, a writer, a spokesperson, a teacher and a motivational speaker. Although certainly the most visible, my limb loss is only part of the changes my life has taken. It isn't always easy and I still have days when I curse my prosthetic and I mourn the loss of my biological foot. But when I look at my life in it's entirety, I can honestly say that the past ten years have been my best, and I'm looking forward to the possibilities of the future.

I think I'll celebrate my AmpuVersary with a cupcake!

Heaven Box

Ever since we told Robby that we were going to Ohio to visit his Grandma, he has been looking forward to two things: collecting eggs on his cousin's farm and going fishing. He vividly remembers "Grandma's fishing hole" and the fun he had reeling in fish after fish last year. It seemed as if a fish hooked onto his line nearly as soon as it was dropped in the water. 

Last year we drove to Ohio which made bringing his fishing gear feasible. Because he flew this year, we weren't able to pack his pole and tackle box. Scott and I discussed it and figured that, in the worse case scenario, we could run to Wal-Mart and buy a cheap pole to keep at Grandma's for future years.  Unbeknownst to anybody, Robby's grandfather who passed away more than 25 years ago had already taken care of securing a fishing pole for his grandson.

Although I never met him, I understand that Scott's dad was an avid fisherman. Unfortunately his poles, having been unused for at least half a century, were no longer functional. Scott and I decided that we were going to have to buy a pole for Robby to keep in Ohio, but we were hoping that his Dad's tackle box would hold all of the other supplies we needed.  After some searching, the massive tackle box, which hasn't been opened since he passed away, was pulled from the attic.

Sitting on the back porch, Robby and his Uncle Jeff opened the tackle box. To the surprise of everybody, especially his grandmother, the tackle box contained a grand new fishing pole. The printing on the package was the only indication that this pole was over 25 years old. The reel, a push button type scaled for a child, looked like it had been selected especially for a boy Robby's age. The fact that the rod was yellow only contributed to the mystique of this discovery.

Robby immediately declared that his grandfather was smiling in heaven because he had finally found the surprise. After that point, Robby renamed the tackle box the "heaven box" as he delighted in the gift. He was so excited to be fishing with the pole that he is confident was bought with him in mind so many years ago. 

Although he never met his maternal Grandfather, yesterday he held a strong presence in Robby's life. All afternoon he talked about him, about how happy he probably was watching him finally fishing with his pole, and how nice it was for him to think of him before he was even born. I never met him either, but I certainly felt his spirit as Robby was enjoying the sport they both love so much. 

Speech

To classify this past weekend as hectic would probably not be doing it justice. I woke up early Saturday morning in Orlando and finished my day at 11:00 P.M.  in southern Ohio. In between I was working, giving speeches, packing up the booth and traveling. I was exhausted by the time I arrived in Ohio, but being greeted by Robby wrapping his little arms and legs around me, covering me with kisses and promises that he was never going to let go, was the perfect way to end a very long day!

Public speaking is not something that comes naturally for me. I am much more comfortable telling my story and relaying my experiences when I am protected behind a computer screen. Standing in front of a crowd, even when it is filled with familiar faces, I feel vulnerable and scared. Although I don't relish the exposure, I do know that it is good for me to push my insecurities to the side and step outside my comfort zone.  Saturday afternoon, despite my anxieties, I stood in front of the conference and spoke openly and sincerely.

Preparing to speak, I reflected upon my life as an amputee. It's easy to dwell on the negatives. The sense of loss, the phantom pain, the socket issues and the obstacles that are encountered when living life with a disability often feel overwhelming. Wanting to be more uplifting, I challenged my thinking paradigm and tried to concentrate on the benefits.

Without a doubt, the greatest perk of living life as an amputees lies with the community. I have never encountered such an accepting and generous group of individuals. The level of amputation and the circumstances of our limb loss may differ, but the willingness to support and to share information seems to be universal. Working at the conference this past week, I witnessed strangers cheering on the first steps of a newbie, drying the eyes of a mother grieving the loss of her sons limb, and rallying to boost the self-esteem of a scared teenager. I have never been prouder to be a member of this community!

Bolstered by all of the positive energy abounding at the conference, I garnered my courage and spoke from my heart. To be honest I don't remember everything that I said, but I will never forget the connection that I felt with the audience. We were all there because we have lost part of our bodies, but at that moment we weren't consumed with what was missing.

We are becoming a community of individuals who prefer to celebrate what we can do instead of dwelling on what is difficult. I am hoping that this wave of empowerment continues beyond the conference because we have a lot of work to do.  I think prosthetic parity is a good place to start!

Conference

Yesterday morning I woke up and quietly sipped a cup of coffee, basking in the tranquility of the house. I suspected that once I started to move, the day would become exponentially more chaotic. I was correct,  and by the time I finally sat down for dinner (at 9:30 pm) I was bordering on exhausted.

I arrived in Orlando without any hiccups which was an unexpected surprise. As soon as I arrived at the hotel, I was slipping on my Ossur shirt and going to work. Between meetings and standing in the booth, I was busy every moment.

Although it was tiring, I was energized by seeing so many of my friends. Many who came by to see me I have known via Facebook and through email, but this was the first time we were able to meet. It is odd finally meeting people whom I feel like I know already!

It was surreal having so many of my peers recognize me as the AmputeeMommy. Walking through the lobby when I arrived, I was approached and asked to pose with pictures with readers of this blog. It felt odd being asked for my autograph, but I have to admit that I was tickled by the requests!

Today will be another long day, but I am feeling energized. I'm looking forward to spending the day with friends, new and established, and learning about the new technology which is becoming available. I wait to see how the day unfolds!

Mommy Night

Yesterday morning, after a few frustrated rants from both sides, Scott and Robby were finally packed for their trip to Ohio. Fed up with his procrastination, I swore that I was not going to contribute to the last minute panic packing. Of course when the frantic searching through drawers began, I ended up helping. I just couldn't let them go away for the week woefully unprepared.

As soon as the boys drove out of the driveway, I felt an unexpected surge of excitement. (I'm sure the fact that Scott and I were scrapping before he left contributed to my relief when he drove away.) While I knew that I was going to miss them, I was also looking forward to my first quiet evening at home in over seven years.

Almost as soon as I realized that I was going to be here alone, which was 6 weeks ago, I began planning my evening. There was a time I would have taken the opportunity to get together with my friends, drink wine coolers and go dancing. Now taking a bubble bath with the door unlocked, eating cupcakes for dinner and curling up to watch Big Brother has become my idea of an ideal evening.

I spent the afternoon at the salon getting my grey covered and hair trimmed. I had planned on maintaining the color and cut that I have been wearing for the past year, but on the spur of the moment I decided that I wanted to do something more exciting. I told my stylist that I wanted to rediscover my inner sexy. My hair is now red, my eyebrows have been shaped and my upper lip has been waxed. (Unbeknownst to me I was growing a mustache?) I emerged from the salon two hours later; feeling sassy, youthful and ready to tackle the conference. It is amazing what a new color and hair removal can do for the psyche!

I came home and I decided follow my own advice and pack for the trip. I'm glad that I did because I realized that my Proprio foot was not functional. Thankfully, I discovered the issue with enough time that a replacement can be sent via overnight mail to my hotel. With the crisis averted and my bags packed, I went out to secure the evening's supplies: cupcakes.

I have to admit, I thoroughly enjoyed my evening of solitude. I thought I would miss Robby and Scott, but to be honest I had a wonderful night. Yes the house was quiet, but the novelty of being by myself overshadowed my lamenting their absence. I'm sure my friends will tease me for my choice of activity, but I think that the down time was exactly what I needed.

I ended up going to bed early and woke up feeling refreshed, energized and ready to conquer the conference! With my sexy new red hair, I'm feeling unstoppable. I'm looking forward to seeing friends and to meeting new people and exploring opportunities. My plane leaves in a few hours, and I am ready for what lies ahead!

Preparing for Orlando

This morning has all the hallmarks of being nothing less than chaotic. Scott and Robby are leaving for Ohio in a few hours. Despite my casual suggestions and reminders, some might call it nagging, they are not yet packed.

It is going to be difficult seeing Scott drive away today, but I know that they will both have fun with Grandma. Scott has not visited his Mom without me in tow in nearly eight years, and this is Robby's first Mommy-less visit. To be honest, I think that everybody is looking forward to visiting in my absence. I have no doubt that Grandma will relish the alone time with her son and grandson. 

While Scott and Robby are in Ohio, I'll be heading to the Amputee Coalition conference in Orlando. I leave tomorrow morning which means I will be alone in the house for the day. Preparing for this trip, I realized that I have not slept alone in this house since Robby was born. I've become accustomed to the quiet of the house during the day, but I suspect that the solitude at night will feel uncomfortable.

Although I'll miss my boys, my schedule will keep my lamenting to a minimum. Today I need to get my hair cut and colored. Last week I looked in the mirror and realized that I am sporting more grey than brown. I'm not sure when that happened, but I am not amused.

After the salon I'm going to try to buff the stains out of my foot shell. Since my prosthesis will be the focal point during my talks and work in the booth, it is important that it is as pristine as possible. Unfortunately, there is only so much magic Mr. Clean can be expected to perform. I'm afraid that the leather stains from last year's sandals are now a permanent fixture on the plastic foot. Another frustrating element of living with a prosthesis: it is almost impossible to clean! There are always a variety of stains on the foot and unsightly nicks in the socket. 

My evening will be spent cleaning the house in preparation for our house sitter. While my sister is looking forward to a mini vacation at my house, I'm not overly excited about the cleaning I need to do in advance of her arrival! I don't want her to step into my clutter and take off running for less chaotic surroundings. Who knows, maybe with all the Legos picked up, we'll be able to locate the snake!