Test Anxiety

I have been trying to emotionally prepare for this date for weeks.  After dropping Robby off at school this morning, I'll be driving to the hospital for a scheduled battery of tests. For cancer survivors, the tests are considered "routine," although when you are the one being tested, it feels anything but normal!

It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself that I'm healthy because hearing it from the doctors is paramount. Until that happens, I am prepared for emotionally wrought and stress-filled days. I won't feel comfortable again until I receive the confirmation that I have no signs of cancer. I can't fathom hearing anything else, so I won't even entertain the possibility.

I detest undergoing these tests, but I also know that I am lucky to receive thorough preventative care. Although the wait is difficult, I've come to realize that there is no security in not knowing. After all, my awareness of any issues will only arm me with more tools to wage battle. Ignorance is like giving any abnormal cells (the enemy) insider information to employ against my body!

I live most of my life without giving cancer much thought. My diagnosis and treatment were part of my past and certainly impacted the way in which I view the world, but I don't define myself by those abnormal cells. Most days I draw strength from the knowledge that I'm a Survivor. Today, as I'm preparing for the tests, I am reminded of the fragility of  health. For the first time in a long time, I feel weak and vulnerable.


For now, I'm trying to focus on the positive. I feel healthy and strong. Because I am having no symptoms, I am trying to keep the tests in perspective: they are simply preventative, to provide definitive confirmation that everything is okay. A belief that everything will be okay, and perhaps a few cupcakes, will help me get through the next few days.