Growing Weary

The weekend was relatively quiet which is good because I was in desperate need of some down time. I avoided my natural inclination to stay busy with assorted projects and allowed myself to simply relax. The decompression time provided me with a glimpse of clarity into an issue that requires my immediate attention.  The more I thought about it, the more aggravated I became.

I am fortunate to have a solid support base of wonderful friends and family who celebrate my accomplishments and are always willing to organize a posse to help me right a wrong. Their honesty has helped me grow, and they understand and respect my goals. I would do anything to help my friends, and I know that they feel the same way. 

Unfortunately, it occurred to me that I also have a myriad of toxic relationships in my life. From the Facebook friends whose status updates do nothing more than make me shake my head out of frustration to the real life "friends" who are always critical of my mistakes yet never cheer my victories, at times I am surrounded by negative energy. I am an eternal optimist, always trying to find the silver lining and never wanting to hurt anyone's feelings.

Unfortunately, my desire to evade a conflict often results in my harboring hurt feelings. I find confrontation uncomfortable and tend to avoid it at all costs. Always the consummate peacemaker, I tend to absorb the petty actions and comments of others in order to avoid a negative conversation. I've become adept at letting things roll off my back, but lately I find myself growing weary of fearing the reactions and comments of a few people. 

Toxic relationships exist a personal level, but also can occur in the professional arena. Of course those waters are trickier to navigate, but I feel like I am just beginning to find my way. My desire to keep everybody happy often interferes with my ability to advocate for myself.

I accept my portion of the responsibility for these unsatisfactory relationships. I have been overly accommodating, always willing to lend a hand and work towards the greater goal. I have donated my time and my talents towards various projects without any expectation of acknowledgment or compensation. I fear that my generosity has resulted in the devaluation of my skills and worth. Instead of being viewed as somebody who is a hard working team player, I believe I am being perceived as somebody who is easy to manipulate.

The past few weeks have been both exciting and clarifying. I don't relish the spotlight, but I am honored to have built a platform which I can use to speak for our community. I expect my friends, family members and colleagues to afford me the same courtesies and respect which I offer to them. I am going to be 40 years old next year, and I no longer have time for high school interactions.