20 years ago today I was in an operating room in Baltimore Maryland, undergoing my amputation. Most years I am able to pass my ampuversary with an acknowledgement of another year and a celebratory cupcake. This year is different. I have felt haunted by the memories of my life 20 years ago.
When my mind starts to drift back and mourn, I know I am going into a dark place. The memories, while powerful, are heartbreaking and exhausting to relive. I want to celebrate everything positive in my life, everything that I would not have had I not made that decision twenty years ago. I can't make my thoughts obey and I keep floating back in time.
I suspect that today is going to be rough, so I am going to try to stay as busy as possible. At this point, I consider myself fully in the middle of the ampuversary abyss. I need to tread water and keep moving until it is over. I don't want to break down today but I fear that it is building.
I guess some years are tougher than others.
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