Beginning of the End

 Yesterday Timmy returned to school for the first time since Spring Break. He was delighted to see his friends again which I take as a good sign that I have made the correct school decisions for him. With him occupied in class I feel like I can tiptoe back into my life. The past few weeks have been difficult and chaotic. Returning to 'normal' feels like a vacation.

Of course, there is nothing normal about the weeks to come. Birthdays, a trip to New Orleans, a graduation and a retirement are all on the horizon in the next six weeks. What an exciting time in our family! I suspect that I'm going to need to double down on my coffee intake in order to keep up with the excitement in our house.

Robby's graduation announcements arrived yesterday, heralding the beginning of the end of his high school career. Time has moved so quickly that the memories are making my heart hurt. I also realize that I am not in an emotional place where reflecting is beneficial. Right now, it is best to shove every memory and reflection into the corner until I can process them properly. 

Again, avoidance is my go-to coping mechanism.

No Cast

I was optimistic that Timmy would be waking up in a hard cast this morning. Unfortunately my optimism did not pan out. The doctor did not yet want to proceed to the hard cast, which was disappointing, but he also did not recommend surgery-yet. After examining a new round of x-rays it was decided to give Timmy's arm another week for the bones to settle down. If they continue to shift, surgery will be scheduled after his appointment next week. If the bones stay in place and do not move more, they will put him into a cast. 

While part of me would like to just make a decision and go with it, I understand the need to proceed with caution. I think I spent so many years of my life in orthopedic limbo that the thought of my son riding this roller coaster, even for a short period of time, saddens me. He is ready to ditch the sling and get back to moving. Waiting is hard, even when you know it is the right thing to do.

After Timmy's appointment I spent the afternoon working and cleaning up around the house. I gathered up all of the scraps of paper that were used to plan my brother's memorial service. Seeing the constant reminders of his death has become overwhelming. I think the only way I can maintain my composure will be through utilizing my favorite go to coping strategy: avoidance. I am going to try to focus on my day-to-day activities because thinking about Jae's death.

Today is another step towards normalcy. Timmy is going to return to school after an extended Spring Break. I know that he is missing his friends and resuming his schedule will be good for everybody.

Home

 The past few days have been exhausting, heartbreaking and cathartic. Memorializing my brother has been among the hardest things I've ever attempted. I quickly discovered that it is simply impossible to encapsulate somebody's life in a few words and moments on a random Sunday afternoon. I will continue to hold my brother's memory close to my heart and I will miss him terribly. 

While last week was about grieving and helping my mom, this week I am turning my efforts towards obtaining answers. We would like to know why a blind amputee was shot in the neck when he called for assistance. I have zero confidence in an internal investigation being conducted among the "brotherhood." As expected, we are being met with a wall when we reach out.Thankfully I am versed at chipping away at walls and calling in the cavalry when necessary. I know that nothing will bring Jae back, but I plan on pushing for both accountability and change.

While I'm readying myself for the battle to come, this morning I am focusing on Timmy. We are returning to the ortho for another round of xrays on his arm. Hopefully his bones did not shift and the doctor is able to put Timmy into a hard cast. If the bones moved or or if they are somehow misaligned, we will be preparing for surgery.

Obituary

 https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/legacyremembers/jae-friedman-obituary?id=54833347

 

When it Rains

The past few days have been a blur. We've cried and laughed as we looked through old photos and shared stories about Jae. It all feels so surreal. Although my brother has been on a self-destructive path for decades, the reality of the situation is numbing. I guess you really can't prepare for this type of tragedy, regardless of what you tell yourself.

The Memorial Service for my brother will be held on Sunday, April 14th from 1-3 at the Penn Harris Hotel and Convention Center, Governor Room B. Everybody is welcome to stop by, say hello and share memories and thoughts about Jae. While I acknowledge that the venue is a tad unorthodox, my mom's desire to bypass a funeral home entirely forced some creativity. Although the motivation was not financial, I was shocked at how much cheaper it is to rent a meeting room vs. a funeral home. 

We spent Monday morning making phone calls and finalizing all of the arrangements. Almost as soon as I settled in to enjoy the eclipse with my mom and sister Scott called me. He was at an eclipse party at the park with the boys. While I thought he was calling to share their excitement about the solar show, I immediately knew by the tone in his voice that something had gone wrong.

Timmy fell off the slide and broke his left arm in three places. While Scott was at the ER with Timmy, I was being driven back to VA to be with them. They realigned the bones and we are returning today to see if pins are necessary. My poor little Hamlet.

Jae

 Friday will be forever be remembered as a day in which my life completely changed. My brother, who has been battling addiction for 30 years, was fatally shot by Travis County police in Austin Texas during an active mental health crisis. Loving an addict for decades, we have all resigned ourselves to the reality that his death may be both premature and unnatural. Out of all of the scenarios for which we have prepared for over the decades, being shot in the neck during a call for help was not among them.

Despite living with the anticipation of receiving devastating news for years, the news came as a shock. My sister and I immediately drove to Pennsylvania to be with my Mom and to try to make sense of our life going forward. As much as I try, I just can't make sense of this.

My brother was shot at 9:36 pm on Wednesday. We were not informed until 5:30 pm on Friday. Why did it take so long, especially since they knew his identity when the call for assistance was placed?  Perhaps more important, why did my brother, who was a blind above-knee amputee amputee, receive two bullets instead of the care he desperately needed? These are the questions are are heavy on my heart, and I will work towards finding answers in the coming weeks.

But today is not the time. Right now we are in crisis mode and just trying to work through the necessities of the situation. I made arrangements for Jae to be cremated and brought home. Because his death is under investigation, his body may not be released for several weeks. We decided that we did not want to wait to hold a memorial service. 

This morning I am going to try to locate a venue. My mom would like to avoid using a funeral home, so after much deliberation we settled on a meeting room at a hotel. Hopefully I can get the plans solidified this morning so we can publish his obituary.  

Please keep my mom in your thoughts. This is extraordinarily difficult for her.  

pain

 I'm glad I didn't have anywhere to go yesterday. It feels as if I was hiking up my pant leg and removing my prosthesis every few minutes. Comfort remained elusive as I desperately tried a variety of padding combinations. By the time evening finally came my leg was angry and the blister had fully developed. I ended up on the couch with an ice pack and my crutches. 

An evening of ice, compression and ibuprofen seemed to have worked. My leg is considerably more comfortable today although I have no intention of pushing my limits. The boys are home for Spring Break and I'm going to acquiesce all dog-walking duties for the next 24 hours. If I want to remain mobile, I need to allow my leg time to rest and to heal. 

Most days I am barely concerned with being an amputee. I am only bothered by my "disability" when my prosthesis isn't fitting well and I'm in pain. This has been one of those weeks and I'm becoming frustrated. I want my life back!