No Starting Quite Yet

 Its seems we were a bit too enthusiastic about the start of Scott's cardiac rehabilitation. While we did attend the first appointment on Tuesday, him wearing his sneakers and ready to work out and me with my notebook in hand, eager to take notes to help him at home, nothing of import occurred. We filled out forms and watched a PowerPoint presentation about the importance of completing Cardiac Rehabilitation. We were instructed to return next Tuesday to formally begin the program. 

Disappointed that we weren't starting that day, it was difficult to keep Scott's spirits up. He is feeling deflated and useless around the house. I am acutely aware of his frustrations because, while I have never had issues with my heart, I have experienced a life-changing medical event. Thus far I have refrained from offering this reminder as support because I fear it would come off as dismissive when that is the last thing I want to do.  

Yesterday we received a phone call from the cardiac rehab informing us that our insurance has summarily denied care. Ugh! I spent the afternoon working the phone and trying to come to a resolution.  It took me nearly 3 hours but I believe everything should be ready go for next Tuesday. 

Fighting insurance enraged me. Why is healthcare always such a battle in this country? Nobody should ever look at their spouse and wonder if they are going to have the financial means to maintain their medical needs! 

Memorial Day wrap up

 Timmy did a fabulous job presenting his Science Fair project. In a room full of moon phases and bean growth, uranium glass presentation was unique and unusual. His increased comfort level speaking publicly was on full display as he confidently taught everybody and fielded questions about his glass. I am so proud of him!

On Saturday we met my Mom at a local creamery for the afternoon. It was nice to sit outside in a different location and chat face to face for awhile. I know that it is going to be awhile before I can leave Scott overnight, but it is nice to know that my Mom is always willing to drive a little further for some ice cream.

Sunday was (and always has been) Scott's special "Day of Racing." He rises early and begins his day with F1 before the flag drops at his beloved Indianapolis 500. In the evening another Nascar race finishes out the night, logging another 600 miles. I don't get it, but I have learned to understand that this marathon day of car racing is one of his favorites.  

Monday we decided to take the boys to the local Go-Cart track to break up the day. They had a blast. I have a feeling that Go-Carting will become a regular part of our summer rotation.  

Today Scott reports for orientation for Cardiac Rehabilitation. To say that he is nervous would be an understatement. While I'm excited to learn his true limits and to have him begin the process of recovery, he is scared that it will trigger another event.  (The fact that Mr. Bill called and regaled us with a story of his own cardiac rehabilitation, which did indeed trigger a second heart attack, did not help!) While I know that Scott will be safe, I know that he is scared.  Fingers crossed!

 

Science Fair

 It is a big day in our house, and for the first time in a long time it has nothing to do with health! After working and planning for weeks, today Timmy will present his science fair project. He is extraordinarily proud of his topic, Uranium Glass, because it is both unique and heavily influenced by his big brother. (On a side note, everybody should be as fortunate as Robby to be perpetually viewed as a hero by at least one person in their life.)

As soon as the science fair concludes we will be officially celebrating Memorial Day weekend. Unfortunately this year we won't be traveling to visit my mom. I haven't been able to go to the local craft fair with her for several years and I was really hoping to go this time. But Scott isn't cleared to travel and he can't be alone, so we're going to settle in for the weekend. 

Don't worry though- I have some plans.

:)

 

Still Adjusting

 Adjusting to life as a cardiac family is difficult yet, in many ways, the emotions remind me of the summer of my amputation. Scott and I were both scared, frustrated and lost in our own ways. This summer those same emotions are again rising, but it is more difficult because our kids are involved. Watching them struggle to accept and adjust to life after their Dad's heart attack has been really hard.

Robby continues to blame himself for his dad's coronary event. While he understands that his dad suffers from coronary artery disease, the timing of the heart attack remains most unfortunate. I don't think it will matter how many times I tell Robby that it was not his fault, I fear he will always harbor a little guilt. (Scott's heart attack began as he was moving Robby out of the dormitory for the summer.)

While Timmy does not assume any guilt, which is good, he seems to have trouble accepting the changes within his dad. Until Scott completes cardiac rehab, there are a lot of restrictions on activities. There could be restrictions after rehab as well, but I keep trying to push that worry can down the road. Robby and I are trying to fill the void, but it is not easy!

 I've been so lucky that my leg has cooperated throughout this ordeal. The past two days have greeted us with heavy rains and cooler air. I woke up this morning and my leg is angry and does not want to be confined in a prosthesis.  I think today will be one for the couch and crutches.

 

Birthday Recap

 My birthday was both laid back and quiet, both of which our family needed as we continue to heal from Scott's heart attack. The weather was gorgeous so I made a reservation for us to all go strawberry picking. Timmy was especially excited to return to the farm, albeit a completely different farm, to resume a familiar and comforting tradition. Witnessing his excitement to pick strawberries showed me that I need to provide more familiar experiences for him during this summer. His world has also been turned upside down and I think he is finding comfort through familiarity. 

We had a great time at the strawberry farm which looked and felt very familiar to our old family stomping grounds. I'm going to check into the prices for their CSA and playpasses. If affordable, I think may be a fantastic option for our family, especially Timmy, this summer. We are going to be rather tethered to WV and I'm trying to find local activities that will spark joy.

In the meantime, we need to get through the rest of this school year. Timmy has two weeks left and then he is officially done. After some drama about school for next year, his teachers have worked tirelessly to create their won school based upon the current technology being used. In other words, despite the fears of the school closing, Timmy's education will continue without pause. Talk about a relief!

 

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

 Today is my birthday.  Traditionally I love my birthday as I I aist upon being doted upon by everybody in my family.  For a single day of the year I aspire to avoid preparing dinners, lunches or breakfasts.  (Well, in an ideal world I would love to opt out entirely from all adult responsibilities, but it never really happens.)

This year the anticipation of my birthday has only brought tears.  Our family is healing and is still too traumatized from the heart attack and scared of the future to enjoy a birthday, especially mine. 

50 has not been kind to us.  I want to hide from 51.

Returning

 I am going to do my best to returning to writing on a regular basis. My life has been crazy but I realized that I need the outlet for my emotions. Thank you for sticking by me.

Scott continues to recover at home. After four stent placements and the diagnosis of another artery blocked, our family lifestyle has been overhauled. While the kids are onboard and have not complained, I must admit that I discovered that a "family healthy lifestyle" is quite laborious! I feel like I am spending hours in the kitchen each day carefully prepping each meal. I'm hoping it eases with time because it is exhausting.

As a mercy, my leg seems to be complying beautifully. I despite spending considerably more time on my legs each day, I have been able to avoid skin issues and breakdown.  Now if my emotional meltdowns were as easy to avoid.

It's hard. It's really really hard. I don't want to be a cardiac family. I want to turn back the clock 15 months to when I was happy any and felt valued. But that isn't possible, so right now I'm in survival mode.

Getting through the hours until the days are easier. We've done this type of trip before and we know we will make it to the other side. But this summer is not going to be a lot of fun.