Okay, yesterday was not my best. My leg was so swollen and painful that the only thing I could feel was anger and frustration. I keep reminding myself that I needed the surgery, but I am also struggling with huge feelings of regret as I try to process the setback. My surgeon promised that I could do no damage if I tried to walk at the four week mark; obviously he was wrong. If I didn't think it was a bad idea to alienate the man in control of my pain management, I'd have a few choice words for him right now! Instead, I find myself biting my lip and nodding attentively.
I should be enjoying summer with my family but I've been relegated to sitting on the couch and watching the fun unfold for everybody else. I so badly want to be the one on the trampoline or zipline with Robby that being forced to simply watch has been heart wrenching. I love being an involved and active mom; being forced to assume the role of passive observer has not been an easy transition.
My work, a source of both pride and great satisfaction, has been impacted by my surgery and recovery. I have been forced to slow down and adjust my schedule. I'm not earning as much because I'm not working at the same capacity. My mind is swirling with projects and ideas, all of which are on hold until I can ambulate. Perhaps this is another reason that I am chomping at the bit to start walking again.
I keep reminding myself that the surgery was only five weeks ago and that I need to give my body time to heal. This weekend I am going to hold Timmy while sitting on the swing outside, watching Robby play and climb. I'm going to soak up the sunshine and try to accept my temporary new normal. I'm going to let my leg rest and hopefully heal. More than anything, I'm going to try to rediscover and channel my happy place. Wish me luck!