Friends

Lately I have been feeling lost and overwhelmed. Some days I feel as if I am lost in a mirror fun house desperately trying to find an escape while I keep running into walls. Thankfully my escape arrived yesterday in the form of a visit from a friend.  I was delighted to see Pennie and her little girl. Being around happiness was just what I needed to lift my mood!

My friend Pennie lives in California, so when she emailed me a few months ago to let me know that she was coming to the area, I was overjoyed. I was planning on driving to meet her, but she graciously offered to drive to my house instead. I felt guilty accepting her offer, but I also realized that I was teetering on the brink of exhaustion and avoiding the drive would probably be for the best. It isn't easy for me to accept favors even from friends, but I am trying to push myself out of my comfort zone by admitting that sometimes I need help. I figured that accepting Pennie's offer would be a good place to start. 

I don't know why I don't get together with my friends more often. I always feel so much better after some quality time talking, laughing and sharing. I love my husband dearly, but he is a man and sometimes he just doesn't understand. I have come to accept that there are some things that are best understood by friends rather than spouses. 

It has been far too long since I've given myself permission to just relax and enjoy the day. I am typically running from project to project, leaving myself barely enough time to breath. Yesterday was one of those rare occasions where I just let go of the to do list and the stress of the recent weeks and just spent time with a friend.  My house is cluttered and I still have a mountain of work ready to be tackled, but I feel more centered and ready to plow through the piles.

Friend time

The turmoil of my Dad's illness and subsequent death, as well as the ensuing funerals, has waned giving way to a new normal. I feel overwhelmed when I remember that I can't just pick up the phone to talk to him, so I have been trying to keep busy so that my mind doesn't wander. Yesterday was the first day back to "normal" and I spent the majority of my time working and cleaning, both of which were neglected during the past week.

Although my house is extremely cluttered, I began my morning by cleaning out the car. We spent a lot of time traveling during the past week and the car has become a catchall for trinkets, toys, bottles, mail and assorted trash. Taking the time to clean it out and to stow the funeral pamphlets and pins in a safe location, but out of immediate site, was refreshing. After all of the accumulated "stuff" was purged, Timmy and I drove to the car wash so that we could have a fresh start. 

Between cleaning the car and catching up on work, I didn't have a chance to tackle the inside projects. My house remains a minefield of toys and clutter, all of which will have to wait for another day. Today I am driving to Baltimore for some much needed friend time. There is so much that I should be doing, but I really feel like I need to unwind and take some time for myself.

Easter Bunny

With my headache finally gone, I feel like I am able to concentrate enough to write about our Easter. Because of the extensive traveling we have done and the passing of my Dad, this year we kept the holiday relatively low key. I don't think any of us felt celebratory, but I still felt the need to make the day somewhat special.  In retrospect the boys would have been just as happy ordering a pizza and watching hockey on TV in lieu of a proper holiday dinner.

This was the first holiday that Robby has indicated doubt concerning the legitimacy of the magical visitors. My first clue was his putting the Easter Bunny in air quotes whenever referencing him. After I ignored the air quoting, he finally just said, "Momom, I don't think that the Easter Bunny is real." With that statement my heart sank. Doubt is the first step towards full blown discovery, and I know that it will probably happen quickly.

I decided to put the onus for discovery on Robby. His starting to ask questions is an indication that belief is waning, but I am in no hurry to speed along the process with a full confession. Instead I just shrugged and explained that it is up to him if he wants to believe.

He didn't really talk about the Easter Bunny again until Saturday night. We were still at my Mom's and he asked where the Easter Bunny would leave his treats. We explained that the surprises would probably be left at our home. He smirked and said, "Well, then I guess I'll be able to tell if this (imagine air quotes) Easter Bunny is fact or fiction because you and Dad are here at Nana's with me."

In that moment my mind began spinning through different scenarios to put out his treats and hide the eggs without his noticing. Sometimes the best solution is the easiest. I called Mr. Bill who spent Easter morning hiding our eggs and presents for the boys.

Robby was flabbergasted when he came home and spied an egg by the fire pit. I could see him trying to process how the eggs were hidden when we were all together two states away. The confusion quickly gave way to a huge smile. It was almost as if I could see the belief filter back into my little Koopa.

He may not believe for much longer, but we made it through one more holiday with the magic intact!

White Flag

I was planning on writing about our Easter in today's blog.  Unfortunately I am forced to surrender and wave the white flag for the day.  I don't succumb to headaches often, but when I do they are typically migraines. 

I'm off to bed, where I will hopefully sleep and regain my bearings.  Thankfully Scott and Robby are still home on Spring Break.  While I feel a little guilty knowing that their final day of freedom will be used wrangling Timmy, I also know that I need to take care of myself. 

Hopefully I'll feel better in a few hours and will be able to resume to normal tomorrow.

Prosthetic Discovery

Timmy is crawling, pulling up and cruising like a champion. He is both adorable and mischievous, taking the slightest lapse in attention as an opportunity to get into something. It turns out that he has quite the pallet for pet food, which judging by his actions is his snack du jour. 

He is not only my little mischief maker but he is also an amateur spelunker, loving to crawl into tight spaces and between legs. Unfortunately his coordination is not entirely honed and he often bumps his head against whatever he is exploring. Needless to say, he discovered my prosthetic with his face when venturing through my leg tunnel.  Unlike everybody else, my leg is hard and leaves a mark when headbutted. 

Poor little Hamlet! He seemed so confused by the experience, as if he was trying to figure out why one leg was hard and the other soft. I know that he isn't able to rationalize the oddity, but it definitely looked like he knew something was amiss.  I suspect that this little bump will be the first of many prosthetic encounters in his future.

Exhausted

Yesterday was as emotionally and physically draining as I anticipated.  I am waking this morning with a heavy heart but also happy for closure. Perhaps closure is the incorrect word though, because what I am happy about is the fact that my Dad is finally at peace. I know that he would have hated lying around unburied for over a week!

Robby accompanied us to the funeral, which was his choice. He was my stoic little man, covering me with hugs and kisses whenever I appeared sad. Needless to say, I was hugged a lot. He opted to avoid the interment service, which was a relief. I knew that watching his beloved Candy Papaw lowered into the ground would have become a source for nightmares. 

I was away from my computer most of yesterday, which means that I have a lot of work waiting for me.  I am going to be busy, which might be a good thing. As long as I'm working I can avoid thinking about the death of my Dad.  Again, avoidance is becoming my preferred coping mechanism.

Final Goodbye

This is the day I have been dreading.  Today my father will be laid to rest in his hometown of Butler PA. We will have a small funeral service for family and close friends, followed by his burial at the cemetery.

It feels surreal to know that I will watch my Dad being lowered into the ground. It has been an extremely long and exhausting week since he passed, and I know that it is time to let him go. Of course rationalizing something does little to temper the emotions.

Between the shock of his death and the memorial service in Texas, I feel like my head hasn't had time to catch up with my heart. After today there will be nothing left to do except grieve.  I am not looking forward to today as I say my final goodbye.